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When I can’t bear to look at myself any longer, I move away from the mirror and step into the tub. As I sit down in the hot water, it hurts a little, but it’s also relieving as well. I sit in the water with my knees against my chest and my arms wrapped around them as I sob uncontrollably.
I can’t get the feel of their hands off me. I can’t get the feel of him inside me to go away, either. With that thought in mind, I grab the sponge that’s in the holder and squirt out some bodywash onto it before I start to scrub my skin in a frenzy, trying to get the phantom touches to go away.
I scrub and scrub until I’m raw and droplets of blood can be seen coming out on various parts of my skin, and that makes me cry harder.
Why did my life have to turn out this way? Why did it have to be so hard when I’ve done nothing to these people besides exist?
Their words,You think you’re so much better than everyone here, don’t you? Well, guess what? You’re nothing and I’m just about to show you how much!keep running through my head in a loop and I just wish it would stop.
I never once claimed that I was better than anyone else. I just shied away from their attention because I knew none of it was ever any good. Now I’ll have to live with what happened inside my head for the rest of my life.
I can’t let anyone else know because I’m scared. I’m scared that no one will believe me or they’ll just blame it on me since they all hate me anyway. So, it’s best to just keep my mouth shut and deal with it like I’ve dealt with everything else that has been thrown my way since moving to this godforsaken place.
I guess Knox finally got his wish. He wanted to ruin me from the start and now I’m actually ruined… more so than when he saw the self-inflicted scars on my body.
Now when I think about that, compared to what happened earlier, him seeing me in that state was child’s play compared to the state that I’m in right now.
But no, I need to push it all down and forget it even happened. With that thought in mind, I finally get out of the bath and get dressed before leaving the bathroom and walking into Camryn’s room since I can manage to open my eyes a little now.
She looks over at me when I enter her room again. Thank God, I don’t see pity in her eyes or I’d probably break down again. She looks at me like she normally does and even if she’s pretending right now, I’m thankful for it. I mean, it can’t be easy to see your friend in that position and not be able to do anything because you don’t know who did it, right?
“Are you okay?” she asks in a calm and easy voice, as though she’s trying to gauge my reaction.
“I’ll be fine. Thanks for not taking me to the hospital even though I know you wanted to,” I tell her, giving her a small smile to let her know I’m fine.At least for now…
“Don’t even mention it. I’m your friend just like you’re mine. I’ll trust that you know what you’re doing and what’s best for you at this moment,” she says and I nod my head.
“I appreciate that.”
“Do you need anything?” she questions.
“As a matter of fact, I need to get high. Then I need to talk to the guys before I need to get away from here for a minute. I need to do all that before Knox gets back. He’s been a royal pain in my ass for the past few days and I don’t need to see him right now, especially when my emotions are so raw and I look like this.” I say all that in one breath with a dry laugh and she nods her head as though she understands.
“Well, let’s go then!” she says and hops off her bed to lead the way.
I have a feeling that maybe she knows what this feels like or maybe she’s suffered from some of the things that I have as well. She didn’t question me or try to tell me what to do like normal people would.
People who don’t know shit about mental health or the struggles that come along with it are always the ones who want to push you. They always want to push you to do this and do that, or act this way or don’t act a certain way. That in itself just drains you and makes you feel as though you’d rather end your life right there and then just so you don’t have to listen to their bullshit any longer.
When we make our way downstairs, the guys are in the den yelling at whatever game they’re playing. They stop what they’re doing when we walk into the room.
“What do you need?” Ransom asks.
“To forget,” I say. Somehow, I know these boys will understand where I’m coming from.
“How about a mini party between us? Our girl needs to get high and then bounce,” she says, giving them a cheeky grin.
“We’re always down for a party,” Wolf says with a big grin on his face.
“Where are you heading?” Cyrus asks.
“New York. I haven’t seen my best friend in a while and figure now is as good a time as any,” I say with a shrug.
“Not to worry, doll, our plane will take you,” Ransom says and then smirks when my jaw drops open. I shouldn’t be so surprised that they have their own plane because the majority of the people here are rich as hell.
“What’s your venom?” Wolf asks and then gives me one of his cheeky grins. I just roll my eyes at him. Well, I try. You can’t really roll your eyes at someone when it feels like they’re about to fall out your eye sockets now, can you? I know they’ve heard people calling them the Venom Brothers before, or maybe they gave themselves the name, who knows?
“Alcohol and then some of those magic pills I’ve been getting from you guys,” I tell him, and he nods his head.
