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With my mind made up not to feed into any of it anymore, I finish my workout then hit the showers. Even after working up a sweat, it takes cold water to fully bring my heart rate -and my throbbing erection- back down to normal.
I decide it's a good night for working late. I need the distraction. But first I need food. I get dressed and set out for one of my favorite nearby dinner spots.
Maybe I should ask Vanessa to join me…so I can apologize about earlier and try to smooth things over…
I pull my phone from my pocket and scroll to her name in my contacts. Just as I'm about to press down, I manage to stop myself.
That's the worst fucking idea, Joshua. Come on. Get it together.
After sliding my phone back into my pocket, I continue on down the sidewalk to place my to-go order. With food in hand, I head back to my office where I intend to camp out and bury myself in my work for however long it takes to start thinking straight again.
But when I walk into my office, something unexpected is waiting for me on my desk. There's a small white box tied in black satin ribbon with a red card attached. I open it up to read the white gel pen lettering inside.
Do you really want to reminisce, Ashford?
Fine. We'll reminisce.
The Four Seasons. 9pm, Tonight. Room 303.
-Vanessa
I let the card slip from my fingers as my eyes drift over to the small ribbon-wrapped box. I reach for one end of the satin and pull, then lift off the top. Buried inside the red tissue paper is a pair of black lace thongs that nearly knock me out flat.
This isn't just any piece of enticing lingerie. This is like a bullet to my chest. She used to have a pair just like these, and she knew damn well it drove me mad when she'd wear them. Sometimes she'd have them on under her regular clothes without me knowing, but then she'd bend over and let them show. That was all it took to make me drop everything I was doing, every single time no matter what. I had to have her right then and there, no matter what plans we had to cancel to make that happen.
I clutch the lacey strip of witchcraft in my hand and sink down into my office chair, wishing I knew where all of my willpower has gone.
I brought this on myself. I'm the one who kept bringing up the past. She tried to stop me, but I just kept pushing and pushing. I'm the one who's cornered her twice now, giving us both a reminder we didn't need - of how it feels when the heat of our bodies come together. And now she wants to finish what I started…
…But I can't act on this. I have to say no.
Hudson was right. If I cared about her or our work at all, I'd start acting like the grown-ass neuro-surgeon I'm supposed to be. I know everything there is to know about brains. It shouldn't be so hard for me to override the primal urges that are pulsing through my own brain right now.
Maybe I really am the heartless jerk Vanessa thought I was. I can't do anything now to make it up to her. But I can stop this from spiraling out of control. I can stop us from making a huge mistake this time around.
I'm not going to stand her up in that hotel room, and I can't express what I want to say through a text or a call. I want her to look in my eyes and know how hard this is for me to do…but nothing can happen between us. I'll stop. I promise. But she has to stop too….before it's too late.
I'll go to the Four Seasons, but only to tell her nothing can happen.
12
Vanessa
By the time I'm settled into my room at the hotel, I'm anxious and guilt-ridden. Anxious from knowing I'm making a bad choice, but my heart is making it impossible for me not to do it anyway. Guilty because I lied to Sam - told her I was working late - and left her with Addy for the night all so...what? So I can teach Joshua Ashford a lesson?
I keep thinking I should just go home and call this whole thing off. But every time I pick up my bag and head for the door, something stops me dead in my tracks. I never make it out into the hall, but each time it's for a different reason.
Part of me is consumed with a need to kiss him and feel him close to me again. I wish that part was smaller than it is. There's another part of me that hates him and only wants to knock him down a peg, to get a little revenge.
"You've come this far, Vanessa," I grumble to myself. "You've already paid for the room for christ's sake. You might as well make this worth your while."
As I go into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup, transforming myself into an irresistible vixen, my stomach starts to turn. I can't tell if it's from butterflies or the stone cold truth that Ashford isn't worth all this effort. Maybe before I realized what a cheating liar he was back in the day, then yeah sure - I would've gone to the ends of the earth for him. But that was only because I didn't know the truth. I didn't know what he was doing behind my back. And the end of it all, I didn't know him at all.
"It's not like I'm actually going to have sex with him," I say outloud, talking to my reflection like a mad woman. "You never take advice from those kinds of magazines, and you're not going to start today. You're just going to push him to the edge...you know, dangle the fruit in front of him. Then right at the last second, you'll bring it all to a screeching halt. That will show him."
I don't feel so convinced, but maybe if I keep saying it outloud it will make it true.
I reach for the wine on the counter and take a big swig, washing down my nerves and second thoughts. The warm tingly feeling of it rushing into my body does wonders for settling my stomach, so I quickly finish off that glass and pour another.
