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"Yeah, and if you remembered what that felt like…then you might be in trouble."
"Why is that?"
He finally takes a few steps back, giving me the space I so desperately needed to breathe again. "I guess we'll never know," he shrugs. "Unless you want to come back to bed and see if I can find a way to remind you."
"No thank you," I say firmly. "I've had enough reminders for tonight."
I take the rest of my clothes into the bathroom and slam the door shut, locking it behind me. I don't come out until I'm fully dressed and cleaned up enough so it's not as obvious that I just failed at having revenge sex with my ex. The only one who's hurting from all of this…is me.
Once I've recomposed myself, I suck in a deep breath then take the dangerous dive back into the bedroom with Joshua. I don't give him a chance to come close again. I simply gather up the rest of my things to leave.
"Feel free to stay in the room as long as you want," I tell him. "Just don't do anything crazy like rent a bunch of porn or raid the expensive minibar."
"And if I do?" he teases.
"I know where you work," I remind us both with a heavy sigh. "I'll be seeing you tomorrow and every day after that, so…yeah. Look, about tonight…"
"Vanessa, you don't have to–"
"It was a mistake," I state sternly. "It won't happen again. Now that we've gotten it out of the way, we can just be professional colleagues. Okay?"
He nods. "Yeah. Of course."
"See you at work," I huff, turning for the door.
On my way out, I think I hear him trying to say more, but I don't stop long enough to hear a word of it. I just keep marching and repeating those words to myself…Professional colleagues.I already know that's going to be easier said than done.
15
Joshua
Ipace the room for a minute, reeling from everything that just happened.
How did it go so wrong so fast? I had her. She was right here. She was the one who invited me to come in the first place.
Then of course, just like I always do - I had to go and fuck it up somehow. And this time...I don't even know what exactly I did wrong.
One thing is for certain. Obviously, I have no interest in hanging around the hotel room by myself. So I grab my jacket and head for the door, still in disbelief that she just left me like that. Again.
It feels like I'm already being given a lifetime of regret for even coming here in the first place.
After driving home, I walk into the cold emptiness of my house, and find myself instantly gravitating towards the half-burnt box of old photos on top of my dresser.
I can't believe I had my chance to be with her like that again…and I blew it.
I keep replaying everything we said over and over again. Why didn't I try harder to explain how I really feel? Why didn't I tell her I've never stopped thinking about her? That I've never felt that way about anyone but her?
Deep down, I know why. Because then what would happen? The more we mess around with each other, the higher the risk for our jobs. Not to mention my inability to settle down and commit to anyone.
I keep trying to convince myself and Vanessa that I'm not the same man I was ten years ago, but I know that's not true. I still can't give her everything she deserves.
At least not as a boyfriend or a husband. But as her co-worker…maybe I can be everything she needs. That has to be my new mission. I have to use our work to make it up to her.
Which means…she's right. All of these games have to stop.
I put the box of photos back into their resting spot, even though they relentlessly haunt me far more than they ever rest, and I start getting ready for bed. Even though I can already tell it's going to be another restless night of tossing and turning - aching to have her next to be in bed again, longing to finish what we started. I wanted that round two, dammit.
But by the next morning, tired as I am, I'm determined to stick to the decision I made. No more games. No more tormenting her, or myself. It's the straight and narrow for the two of us - strictly professional from here on out.
