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I shook my head and told her that she didn't have to worry about that. “What does that even mean?”
“I would never go to someone else for sexual favors, that's what I mean. I'm not one to cheat. We should have talked about this before we got married, but even though it's a bit of a sham, I still think we should be monogamous.”
“What if we never consummate?”
Her question made me feel a little alarmed, so I asked her why we never would. It certainly wasn't going to be from anything that I had decided. I didn't know exactly why, but I wanted to make damn sure that she knew I wanted her. “Trust me, Augustine. That will never be a problem.”
“I didn't think it would be, but maybe you wouldn't have agreed to this, if you had realized that we would actually have to be together. It just seems like more than you want to deal with. I am inexperienced, and obviously not up to your standards. If you can bear to be with me, after time, how will you not relieve yourself outside of the marriage?” Augustine asked, sad sounding, yet pragmatic as well.
Augustine's words made me stop on the street. I didn't know what was going through her mind to ask such questions, but I needed her to understand that there was nothing to worry about. I was turned on to no end and for her to actually think anything else was wrong.
“You can't really think that I don't like you, Augustine, right? I mean, you know that I do.”
She was shocked and told me that it was hard to believe that I did.
“Why do you say that?” Really, I was confused.
“Well, how about the fact that we were about to do it and then you basically kicked me out of your bedroom and sent me down the hall. How do you think I was going to take that?”
I sighed and remembered it well. It wasn’t the best moment. It was rather painful watching her go, my manhood full of need for her. It was damn hard watching her walk away.
“You are seeing things the wrong way,” I told her.
“Then how am I supposed to see them?” Augustine asked. She was definitely pissed off at me, and she wasn't getting it. She had no clue that I was dying inside to be with her. How could she really not know any of that?
I didn't answer her fast enough and Augustine started to walk away. I stopped her with my hand on her arm and pulled her back to me.
“How about you see it as I want you so badly that I cannot imagine being with you when you are not ready for me. I wish to God you were. I want to be inside of you right now, the way you're looking at me. The fact that no one has touched you yet is all I can think about. And trust me, Augustine, when I say, it is all I can think about. If you knew how badly I wanted you last night, you would not feel the way you do, I promise. You are very attractive, and I want you so badly, but it cannot be when you are afraid of what is going to happen between us. I cannot be with a woman who fears me.”
Then she said something that I didn't necessarily have an answer to or even a comment to bounce back. She stumped me honestly.
“How am I ever going to not fear what’s going to happen between us? Weren’t you afraid the first time you did it?”
It had happened so long ago, that it took me a few minutes to go back that far. I was young and anxious at that age, and I probably had several other lovers at the same time. It was hard to remember the first time and how it felt. I think it was just anticipation more than anything. “I don't like the idea that you're afraid of me, Augustine. It's not something that works for me. Can’t you understand that?”
She agreed that she could, but at the same time she didn't know what she was supposed to do about it. We were standing so close and the urge to kiss her was too strong. I could feel her surrender, it was such a sweet response. It was enough to awaken parts of me that were still blue.
I had to pull away after a moment because all I wanted to do was take more. Was I really to be the first man to truly touch her? The thought made me feel like I had more responsibility, but it was hard to think anything negative of such a task.
28
Augustine
Istarted to respond to his kiss and honestly it just upset me. I could not believe that he was so bound and determined to mess with me like this. We were on a sidewalk somewhere, and he had me pressed up against him, kissing me, making my head spin with his touch, and this wasn't the place where we could do anything about it. He was working me all up for nothing. I didn't understand why he kept messing with me. I finally pulled away and pushed him back a little bit. “What are you doing?”
He looked at me strangely for a moment and asked me what was wrong. My heart was beating hard in my chest, I was dying with desire, and I didn't know what to do with it. It's like he kept starting me up and then leaving me to it with no idea whatsoever how to make it better. I wish I did know, maybe I wouldn't feel as crazy as I did now. Truth was though, in almost every way possible, I was lost, and Derrick didn’t seem able or willing to help me.
“What do you mean? I was just giving you a kiss. I didn't think you would mind or react like this. I must have completely read that wrong.”
“No, I want you to kiss me, but then it got me thinking about where we were and the fact that your apartment is full of my family. We are supposed to be on our honeymoon and when you have the perfect opportunity to do something, you don't. And now, we are out on the side of a street and there's no way possible for anything to happen, you want to kiss me like that again? Just because I don't have much experience, Derrick, doesn't mean that I don't know how unusual you are acting. You are not acting like a man who wants the woman who is in front of you that you married to.”
While in one instance I was embarrassed to no end for having to say any of that, there was a small part of me that at least felt better because I got it off my chest. It wasn’t going to help anything, and I was okay now, as long as I got to say my peace. Now that I had, all I wanted to do was drop it. It was hard to express myself in such a way, and now I could barely even look at him.
“You are just looking at it the wrong way. I am giving you time, Augustine. I know you like to say that you don’t need it, but you do. You were afraid of me last night, I could see it in your eyes, and I can’t do that. I can’t be with you, when you look like you are ready to run at any moment. Why can’t you understand that? I am not that man.”
I told him that I got it, but in a way I didn’t. I think I had opened up this honest conversation that we were having and though it was hard to imagine where it was all going to end, I was glad to hear that it wasn’t me being undesirable. I knew that I was different. I had waited too long to be with a man, so it’s strange now that I am trying to. I’d always put it off, though it wasn’t like I didn’t think about it. I thought about it all the time, especially since I’d started working with Derrick. He made me think about it a lot.
“I just don’t know what you want. I thought that it was a given, marriage, sex, but not with you…”
