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I had to get myself together, take a cold shower and get dressed before I went back into my bedroom. I told her that she didn't have to sleep with me. I didn't even know if I would be able to sleep with her, because I never shared a bed with somebody before. I had her a room done up down the hallway just a little bit. She looked at me like I was kicking her out and she was very upset. I asked her what was wrong, and Augustine couldn't speak. Whatever it was that was bugging her, it was enough that she couldn't even speak to me. What had I done that was so wrong?
“You really don't want to sleep with me in the bed either?”
“I don't know your sleeping schedule. I don't know if I snore. I just think it would be easier if we had separate bedrooms.”
“Is this even a marriage? You don’t want to consummate or sleep in the same room and bed?” Augustine asked me incredulously. It was clear how she felt about the turn of events. It was simple, she wasn’t happy.
I groaned inwardly and I told her that I would love to consummate it, but I couldn't do it while she was staring at me like I was going to attack her. It had to be consensual, and it didn't feel that way at all. It felt like she was being forced and it wasn't a feeling that I liked at all. Until that changed, I didn't know how else we could move forward. I told her not to take it personally, but I didn't think she listened. I think she definitely took it personally.
She took it so bad that she left the room in tears. I wasn’t in the right capacity to go after her right then. I couldn't be with a woman who was afraid. It just wasn't how I was built, and it definitely wasn't a turn on for me. Augustine was, all the way around, through and through, but I needed her to trust me, not look at me with apprehension and the idea that she had to brace herself for what we were going to do together. I wanted us to work, but that wasn’t the way forward.
Tomorrow, we could fix it tomorrow, that's what I told myself anyway. I had to relieve myself in the shower, something that I certainly hadn't seen coming but what else could I do? I was married now, and I planned to stay monogamist, I just didn't realize that even after the wedding I was still going to have to wait.
* * *
The next morning,I went downstairs, and my kitchen was full of people. I recognized some of them from the wedding, some of them from the apartments that I had taken Augustine to, but there were about ten of them in my kitchen, and everybody stopped and looked at me when I came through the door. Augustine had her back turned to me, making coffee and then going to a pan of eggs on the stove. I didn't know what the hell was going on here, but watching her unaware was one of my favorite pastimes.
26
Augustine
The kitchen got quiet, and I didn't even have to look, I just knew that Derrick was going to be behind me. My family just popped over this morning, definitely not what I wanted first thing in the morning after the night I’d had but what was I supposed to do? I was the good daughter and when I was prodded into offering breakfast, I then had to make it. Everyone had a lot of questions, comments, it was downright awful if I was completely honest. I would have done about anything to not have this conversation with them right now.
I turned around and, of course, Derrick was standing there. “Good morning.” I should have said more, but I honestly didn't know what else to say. I didn't even know how I was supposed to explain the reason why there was so many of my family members in the kitchen. I had always failed miserably to explain my family to an outsider. Some things just had no explanation, and this moment right here was probably one of them. This would be the moment that Derrick thought I was crazy.
“Good morning,” Derrick said right back. There was a question in his eyes, probably more than one, but he didn't say anything else. The whole room was eerily quiet, considering how many people were in it, and it felt very awkward. There was a lot of commentary after a few moments from everybody all at once. Apparently, we were lovebirds, and it was cute how shy I was. Everybody thought it was cute, except my mom. She had this strange look on her face, and I had to look away because as always, there were several things that I didn't want her to know about. It was like she knew that Derrick and I hadn’t been together, the marriage hadn't been consummated. That scared me, because if it wasn't consummated, then it wasn't real in tradition or in my family’s eyes. If that ever came to light, I would be mortified because then everybody would think that there was something wrong with me, and I was unfit to be his wife. It was kind of one of those situations where I didn't know how to make it better.
“Do you want some eggs?” Might as well just ignore the family in the room and keep going.
Derrick walked over to me and smiled, bent down and gave me a kiss. There was silence in the kitchen again or every noise around me stopped. I couldn't honestly say which thing was really what happened. Either way, I was in his arms, and it had me immediately thinking about last night and what didn't happen. It certainly wasn't because I didn't want it to happen. Right now, I was dying for it.
“That would be good,” Derrick told me as he pulled away. I had to take a moment to steady myself because the kiss really threw me off. How could Derrick kiss me like that and then so casually look at me afterward like nothing happened? My heart was racing, my head was throbbing, as well as other parts of me. Derrick looked like it didn’t bother him at all. I couldn't say that it helped my ego all that much.
I turned back around to start making eggs and I was surprised to see him next to me. After a few moments, he was still next to me, and I finally had to ask him what it was he was doing. It was just so strange to see a man attempting to cook. He stirred up some eggs, cracking them into a bowl. Why did it look so odd? Didn't he know that he was doing women's work?
I didn't have to look around me to notice that the silence was because the people that were in the kitchen, my very traditional family, were trying to figure out what my husband was doing. Then they gave me a dirty look, I could feel it on the back of my neck, even though I refused to actually look at them. They acted like it was somehow my fault or I had picked a reject. It wasn't my fault, and if he wanted to help, then I wasn't going to fight it. I was still learning how to cook and a little bit of help in the kitchen from somebody who was far more confident than me seemed like an improvement to the situation and possibly the eggs.
Derrick handed me the bowl after a moment and told me that it looked like the pan was ready. I took the eggs from him and put them in the pan. I watched him pepper the top. I wasn't worried about who else was in the kitchen, it could have just been me and him in the kitchen. I watched his big hands working, the large forearms, hard biceps. Everything about Derrick was a mystery to me, one that I desperately wanted to solve.
Someone cleared their throat, and I snapped out of it, the spell broken. “I didn’t know you could cook,” I said, not able to hide my surprise.
“Oh, course I can cook, Augustine. I am a grown ass man. Who can’t at my age?” Derrick asked, seriously wanting an answer. I could have told him that everyone that was male in the room didn’t know how or have any desire to learn how to cook. It wasn’t for men to do. It was just that simple, black and white. I didn’t care what they said. Derrick cooking something simple like eggs was sexy as hell, and I let him take over toward the end. I was just too busy watching him. Maybe sometimes breaking tradition was a good thing.
27
Derrick
We took a walk after breakfast, and I finally had to ask her what in the world was going on with all those people in the house. Augustine was obviously waiting for me to ask. It was hard to mistake so many extra people suddenly. I thought that her getting married would get her away from her family, so I was quite surprised to find them all in my kitchen this morning.
“I should say that they were here to check on me and make sure that everything went okay. I don’t know, honestly my family doesn’t know boundaries all that well.”
“What did you say?”
She scoffed. “I certainly didn't tell them the truth. I will never hear the end of it if they knew that the marriage wasn’t consummated. It would be like I wasn’t married at all.”
“Do you think that they know?” I asked her carefully. It was obviously bothering her, so I figured she was worried about that. There was something else on Augustine’s face though, something a bit harder to work with, yet easier to recognize. Augustine was disappointed. I was too, that's what I wanted to explain to her, but I didn't think I could without upsetting her further.
“My mom knows that something is off. I think it is the way that we act around each other. She can just tell that we haven't been together. She asked me about it point blank a little while after you went to the bathroom. I was told several times that if I did not take care of you, you would find other ways to do so.”
