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I still could barely look at him. He scoffed and told me that I had no idea what I was talking about. I agreed, but that was half the problem. I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to no longer be in the dark about all of it. I was old enough and I was ready. I wanted it to be Derrick that made me a woman.
He kissed me again, this time it was enough to sweep me fully off my feet and I was leaning against him when he pulled away. His eyes were intense, and I pulled back after a moment and sighed.
“Stop saying that I don’t want you, Augustine. I do, I just don’t want to hurt you.”
He said it like he was really going to, and I paused, asking him if it wasn’t painful for every woman when it first happened.
“I have never been a woman’s first.”
“Oh,” I said. I hadn’t thought about that before. Maybe it wasn’t something that he wanted to do. “Do you want me to find someone to do it with the first time, so that you don’t have to?”
“No!” His voice was so loud that he scared me enough that I actually jumped. He didn’t apologize for yelling, just said that I was messing with him. I wasn’t. I wanted us to be together, so I told him that if it would be easier for the first time to be done by another, we could try it afterward. I was hopeful that he would be willing. We were walking back toward his place, and he groaned at me.
“Come on, it will be over, and then you won’t have to worry about doing it for the first time.”
He turned to me all serious. “I am not going to let someone else touch you!”
That was that, and we didn’t say anything else on the way back to his place. The walk hadn’t seemed that long, until we were on the way back in silence. It felt like miles now. I was trying to be accommodating, but Derrick was making it impossible.
29
Derrick
It was the last night that we were going to be together before we went back to work the next day. I had thought a lot about what Augustine had said earlier about being together physically. I wanted to, obviously, but something was holding me back. She made me nervous and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that much of what she said was right. We were married. It was part of it.
Instead of thinking about it too much, I asked her if she wanted to come out with me.
Augustine gave me a dirty look and said that she wasn't really in the mood, considering that the two of us were in a strange place emotionally. I knew that we needed to spend some time together. I wasn't sure what I was even doing, but I knew that I wanted Augustine by my side. I didn't want to lose her, which was exactly how I was feeling at the moment. She had no trouble telling me what I was doing was wrong. She was right, Augustine was my wife now.
“Come on, Augustine, anywhere you want to go and anything you want to do.”
I thought that she might request something completely over the top, but I had told her that the sky was the limit, anything, and that could mean a lot of things. I was prepared for her answer, or at least I thought I was.
“I want to go upstairs and for you to make love to me. That's what I want, Derrick. Can you do that?” Augustine asked, challenging me and calling out my anything comment. How was I supposed to know that she was going to go there?
Immediately all the blood from my brain went exactly where I didn't want it to go, and I could feel the pull of desire on me. It was hard and fast; I was trying so desperately not to think about such things and then she had said that. What was I supposed to say to that? I think the answer was there was nothing to say. I just kind of stared at her mouth and Augustine scoffed after a moment, “I guess the sky isn't the limit, is it?”
Most of me just wanted to know what in the world I was doing. How did I get here? It was complicated. Being with Augustine was exactly what I wanted to do, but the problem was that I didn't know how to be the gentle lover that she needed me to be. I was afraid that I would be rough, I wouldn't be able to take it slow like she needed. There was just so much fear inside of me because I knew that I wanted to do it right. I had to do it right. I would only get one chance and if I messed it up, she would remember always.
That was a lot for anyone to have to think about. Since I cared about her so much, the stakes were just too high. If I messed up, I couldn't even think about it. If I ruined it, I might lose her completely. I couldn't think of such things.
Now I was on the spot, and she was looking at me with desire and wantonness. She had this grin, the sort of grin that was like a challenge. She had called me out and there was nothing that I could do about it. She was right, I couldn’t do what she requested, even though I had said anything. I liked to be a man of my word, but how could I?
What she didn't understand was, I didn't mind being called out. I didn't mind proving to her that she had the wrong idea about it. I was not afraid of her. I was afraid of myself and my lack of control when it got down to it. I’d never wanted a woman as badly as I wanted Augustine. I'd hoped that she'd have a little bit more time to get used to being around me before we got to the next part. Now though, I realized that she wasn't going to give me more time. Time was up as it were.
So, like all other men who were given such a challenge, I did exactly what I wanted to do. If she thought that I was afraid, she was not reading the room well. I was not afraid at all. It was her that was, so I agreed that it would happen soon. She was a bit shocked maybe. There was surprise on her face but no fear this time. My hands were all over her, pulling her closer and showing her that it wasn't fear that kept me subdued. It was the lack of control that made me question myself.
Augustine was panting, her head was spinning she said, and her eyes were dilated a little bit. I liked all of these signs, I liked the lack of fear that I’d seen last night, but she was still overwhelmed.
“Why don't we go out and get something to eat? Then we can come back here and do whatever you want to do. Maybe give you some time to make up your mind,” I suggested.
“I have already made up my mind,” she retorted very quickly.
I pulled her in close and rubbed her lower hip against mine. I wanted her to see how hard I was and how quickly I was needy and ready for her. My wife would never think that I didn't want her. It was too far from the truth to think that was real.
I heard Augustine gasp and I guess that she had gotten enough of a feel to know what was going on. I was ready for her, so damn ready, and I didn't want her to ever mistake my true feelings. The whole reason I came up with this crazy idea to get married was because I wanted her so badly. I was willing to marry her so I could date her. Of course, I wanted her.
At the same time, I was thinking about the long term. Sure, I could take her to bed, lose control like I knew I would, and quite possibly, break something between us. I was thinking about the long game. I didn't want Augustine for the night, I wanted her for a lifetime, and I needed the first time to be perfect. I might be a little upset about it, if I thought about it too much.
