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At first, I thought it was working. The sun was good for his complexion, and the lunches, which ended up being as calorically heavy as I could make a sandwich, slowly helped to fill out his hollow cheeks and sunken eyes. It was a minor victory, and my constant companionship and presence seemed to calm him down. I saw little flickers of who he used to be. We were getting somewhere.
It made me jump fully into housewife mode, even though my stomach sank to my feet each time I had to delete an email from a potential job without responding, or silence calls from coworkers.It’s only temporary,I told myself, over and over again.He’s going through something, and I need to be there for him. For my future husband.
I got to the point where I could be a certified Susie Homemaker if I had really wanted to. When I said before that I was smart and business-minded, it wasn’t just a flex. Mornings I exercised; sometimes yoga, sometimes running up the tree-lined road until I felt like I could leave my worries behind for a brief time.
It always had to be before Trevor woke up, so I didn’t have to undergo a full interview after my run, but I was up before him most days, anyway. I made sure to have protein-heavy breakfasts made for him, overnight oats, or whatever else I could make in advance, just to keep weight on him before he disappeared to his office cave.
I’d sometimes record these workouts or cooking sessions to upload on social media, filling my feeds with things other than photos from the set, and my followers ate it up. They loved seeing me being a normal, approachable person. Too bad it was all just a coping mechanism to keep my fiancé on a healthier path.
After forcing another meal on Trevor, afternoons were when I still worked out of the home, I only had so much time to shoot content before I had to make the long drive back to Lace Elm.
Trevor and I would order in or make dinner together, and it was the only time things seemed to be almost normal—domestic. I don’t know, but those short evenings were the last happy moments I spent with him when I still saw the man I’d fallen for when I looked deep into his eyes. I would have never guessed how easy it was to miss someone who was right in front of me.
After everything went to hell, I realized how obvious it was that something was about to happen. The writing was on the wall, but I was in too much denial to read it.
I had just finished a shoot, a new movie for Brazzers. I wasn’t under contract with them anymore, but I always enjoyed working with them, so when they called and asked, I jumped at the opportunity.
I was only gone for a few days, and I spent the entire time worrying about Trevor being home alone, without me to check on him. I didn’t like going out of town for shoots. Drastic changes set off Trevor’s paranoias, and I tried to avoid upsetting him at all costs.
But sometimes it couldn’t be helped. Brazzers wouldn’t come to me in Texas to film, so if I wanted to work with them, I had to make the trek out to Los Angeles or Las Vegas.
Trevor and I both knew he needed something more than an overbearing mother hen of a fiancé. Trevor needed real help with his mental health, and in the dark of our late nights together, when we would occasionally still come together as if the distance between us wasn’t gaping like a canyon during the day, he would promise to get that help as soon as he could. “Not much longer,” he would swear. “I just have to get past this one job, and then I will fix this, Rachel. I swear I will.”
It was those moments that made me think he did really love me, in his own way, not just as a pawn in a scheme I couldn’t even comprehend. And if he did truly love me, then his story is even more tragic.
But back to that fateful evening. I tossed my shoes aside as soon as I shut the door behind me and padded through the front room into the kitchen, feeling like a teenager that was late for curfew. I found Trevor looking more like himself than he had in months now, and it made my heart lurch in my chest.
His hair was fixed, swept back from his face, and he had shaved. His clothes were clean and pressed, and when I looked at him, he looked back at me with a peaceful calmness that I had almost forgotten existed within him.
He was sitting at our dining room table, a spread of sushi and sake spread out before him, but I couldn’t care less about it. I dropped my purse as I walked to him, sinking down into his lap with my hands around his neck and my legs hanging off to the side.
“What’s the occasion?” I asked, almost afraid to speak and break the spell.
“Nothing. I just want to give you what you deserve, Rachel. I know I haven’t been a suitable partner lately, and you’ve been keeping us both treading water on your willpower alone.”
“Are you sure that’s all?” I teased, but when I felt him tense minutely under me, disappointment flashed bright and painful. Therewassomething more.
“I … well …” Trevor sighed as he leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “I have to leave for a few nights on business. I’m sorry. I just found out, and I wanted to soften the blow a little. Please believe me when I say I did not know.”
“It’s fine,” I lied. “You didn’t have to do all this, either. It’s all fine.”
I felt the breath leave his body and his shoulders sink. “I really am sorry. I was hoping to remind you of how good it can be between us, so you won’t resent me the whole time I’m gone.”
I slid from his lap, the magic of the moment long blown away, giving him a tight nod. “I appreciate it,”
In a perfect world–no, in a better world, Trevor and I would have had a heartfelt, romantic dinner and spent the rest of our time together making love and plans for the future, but it just wasn’t meant to be. We ate awkwardly, talking about, as usual, my job and my job alone, transitioning to the thrilling discussion of whether the cars needed yearly maintenance and, finally to, when Trevor would be home. I tried to broach the subject of the wedding one more time, and Trevor shut me down immediately, saying that he didn’t have the mental space to think about it right then.
Everything was galloping towards the crescendo of our time together, and whether he was meant to be with me or not, I still wished I had known it would be the last night we would spend together. I would have kissed him more, given him a little more grace even if he had put me through hell, and let him know he was loved, mental breakdown or not. Trevor might not have been my forever man, but he was still a person who touched my soul, however briefly, and he deserved better than the cards he was dealt.
But, again, it wasn’t meant to be.
I kissed him quickly goodbye, lips closed, as he left that night for his “business trip”. He hesitated at the door, looking down at the suitcase in his hand, almost as if he was considering staying, but he seemed to shrug the thought off, gave me a last peck on the cheek, and disappeared into the night, only the scent of his expensive cologne lingering.
I went to bed shortly after, actually feeling relieved to have the excessive security now that I was alone.
It was bizarre, being a public figure with millions of social media followers, but actually being entirely alone. I could have picked up my cell, gone live just to ramble about some new recipe or pair of yoga pants I had purchased, and had all the people to talk to that I had ever wished for. Except, none of them would be the one man out there in the world, driving further from me by the minute, who I actually wanted.
I tossed and turned, unable to rest, the sheets tangling in my legs. I was filled with a nervous energy that made no sense, and I found myself checking the cameras obsessively. There was no one, there never was, except for a rogue raccoon that I watched make his way slowly across the property.
