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I threw my phone aside and turned on the television, flipping it to HGTV and lowering the volume to a mere whisper, and finally, with something for my overactive brain to focus mindlessly on, I fell asleep.
For a few hours, at least.
It was 3:12 a.m. when two things happened at once. First, the camera app on my phone went off, warning me for the very first time of a human being, instead of wildlife or a blowing leaf, caught on the security system. The alert tone was sharper, more panic-inducing than I had expected, and the unfamiliar noise jolted me awake.
Before I could fumble with my phone to open the app, I heard a pounding on the front door, heavier and more adamant than it had any right to be. There in the dark room, lit only by the blue light of the TV screen, my soul seemed to leave my body in terror.
I laid my hand over my galloping heart, forcing myself to breathe slowly enough to thumb the app open, even as whoever was at the door continued to pound. When I finally got the feed up, I could see, even in the greenish haze of the night-vision camera, that the two men at the door were police officers.
I flashed back to a one-off memory that I would never have thought about again under other circumstances. When Trevor and I had moved in, two cruisers had pulled up behind our moving truck, causing Trevor, pulling a duffle bag out of the car, to freeze mid-motion. The cruisers were the old style, square and long, and they reminded me of an old-timey detective movie.
Two officers had exited each car, one pair heading over to talk to Trevor, while the other two approached me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Trevor relax as one officer reached out to shake his hand, and it made me feel at ease, too. The other pair reached me, and the older officer in front, the only one of the four wearing a wide-brimmed campaign hat, held out his hand for me.
“Just wanted to welcome the new neighbors to town,” the officer said as I shook his hand. His palm was enormous and uncomfortably damp, and he didn’t let go for a moment too long. “I’m Sheriff Buck.”
“Rachel,” I replied, dragging my hand subtly down my jeans to wipe the moisture off.
“It’s always a huge deal when we get newcomers in town, but somehow you two managed to slip under my radar until this morning. And trust me, Miss Rachel, you’re not the type of girl I’d let slip under normal circumstances.” He chuckled at his own joke, breath blowing a rather gross mustache away from his lips.
“Okay, well. Thanks,” I said awkwardly, but he wasn’t done.
“Just wanted to let you two know we’re a phone call away if you need us. If your boyfriend there works away from home, I wouldn’t want you to feel afraid.”
“I’m a big girl,” I retorted, dropping the box I had in my arms and turning to face him fully. I wasn’t in what I would consider my untouchable, badass ensemble at the time, but was sweaty, and my dark hair was frizzing out from under a ball cap I wore while we helped the movers unload, but I still drew myself up to my full height and tilted my chin at Sherriff Buck. “I can handle myself, don’t you worry, Sheriff.”
At the time, it had just seemed like Buck was one of the old-school Texas sheriff types. The kind that thought they were the savior of the entire small town that they watched over and figured that this made them God’s gift to women. Buck had leered at me, raking his too-small eyes up my body like someone examining a classic car, and when his gaze finally connected with mine, I raised one perfectly sculpted dark eyebrow, crossing my arms silently.
He seemed to take the hint, tipping his hat to me before handing me a business card with his number. I crumpled it up and dropped into the dirt the moment he left, but not before he managed to pat my shoulder briefly as he walked past.
I had plenty of weird encounters with men, and Sherriff Buck wouldn’t even have registered as out of the ordinary if he hadn’t been one of the two men pounding on my door past 3 a.m. that night. I felt cold all over and sat staring at my phone screen, praying they would leave eventually. Long minutes passed, and the officers continued to knock. After two unanswered calls to Trevor, I knew I had to go to the door, or they would never leave.
I pulled one of my fiancé’s too-big t-shirts over my bra and panties before shrugging on my favorite silk robe, tying it as I made my way barefoot down the stairs and to the front door. Before I could second-guess myself, I pulled it open.
The motion lights were on, rendering Buck and the other policeman pale. I opened my mouth to speak but clicked it shut immediately as Buck removed his campaign hat and held it over his heart, bowing his balding head.
“Miss Starr, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this. Would you let me and my partner come inside so we can all sit down?”
Panic was starting to bubble in me, but not to a point where I couldn’t hold it down. “No, I don’t think I’m comfortable with that. Just tell me what you need to tell me so desperately in the middle of the night.”
Buck seemed to be trying to look over my shoulder, maybe for a dog or another house occupant, before he turned his eyes back to me. “Ma’am, there was a car crash. Only your fiancé’s vehicle was involved, but it was—” He took a deep breath. “It was fatal, ma’am. He died on impact, going over a cliff. I’m sorry.”
If I hadn’t played back the security tape later, I would never have remembered my first reaction at that moment because it all became static for me. Amazingly, I laughedin Buck’s face, detaching from the actual reality of the situation even as the officers continued to stand there, looking somber.
“Bullshit,” I spat out.
“I know these things can be tough, ma’am,” Buck continued. “But I made sure we verified everything before coming to talk to you.”
I looked at the other officer, a younger man, who nodded. I made a choking sound, and it was only by the grace of God that I was able to lock my knees and not fall to the floor. It was impossible.Impossible.
“You’re wrong,” I told the younger officer, too sick to look at Buck.
“He’s telling the truth,” the young man confirmed, and whereas the empathy in Buck’s face looked like a mask, it was the genuine sadness and compassion in the other policeman's face that made it seem real to me.
I lived an entire year of my life over, standing in that door, remembering my time with Trevor, all of it ending with the shadow of the two of us standing in that very doorway just hours before, awkwardly kissing goodbye. Forever.
“Fuck,” I gasped, in utter and complete shock.
Sherriff Buck put a too-large, too-damp hand on my shoulder, skimming my cheek with his knuckles almost as if by accident. I jumped, but his hand didn’t move.
