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“From what I’ve seen so far, you are. You didn’t speak whenever there was a question that could potentially hurt someone you care about, so you nodded instead. I would say that was a kind, sensitive, and loving person, wouldn’t you?”
“Maybe, but I don’t have a strong-will or determination. Not anymore. I’m tired of fighting.”
She nods in understanding. “That’s okay, Teagan. When days are tough, we lean on those we trust and can count on. Do you have anyone you can lean on?”
I place the cup onto the table and trace the white bandage on my wrist. The doctor came this morning to check on the wound. He said it’s healing and that it’ll take some time until it’s fully recovered. I didn’t hit deep enough to do any nerve damage.
“Teagan, why does that question make you feel uncomfortable?”
I lick my lips. “Until this morning, I believed that I was alone. I felt that no one would care if I was alive.”
She leans forward in her seat. “What changed this morning?”
She’s so inquisitive. “Elio held me as I cried, and Portia was scared she'll lose me.”
She’s silent. I can see the questions swirling in her eyes. “Growing up, what were your parents like?”
I recoil at the question. “My mom died before I was three. I went to live with my dad then.”
“I’m sorry for your loss. What was she like?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I can’t remember her. I’ve heard stories about her. She was sweet and kind, and she was always helping people out who needed it. She loved my father, but he didn’t return the feelings.”
She nods. “Do you feel as though that’s happening with you and your husband? That he’s not returning your feelings?”
It’s like ping-pong. Going from one question to the next. There’s no time to breathe. “Yes. Elio was the first man to show me pleasure, but he’s not exactly the easiest man to get along with.”
“Teagan, whatever is said stays between us. I’m your doctor. I’m here to help you. I just want to help. I’m not here to judge.”
I inhale deeply and release it slowly. “Elio and I, we’re not like a normal couple. He didn’t marry me for love. He did so for revenge.” She waits for me to continue to speak. “My father did something despicable to him, and I understand that he needed to make him pay for what happened. But my father died, and Elio needed an outlet for his anger and pain.”
“So he came to you.”
“Yes. But things weren’t always so dark. I made friends, and I was free. Something I enjoyed being. I was able to see the light in my world.”
“So what changed? You saw the light, so what brought on the dark?”
I swallow, unsure if I should say this or not. “Nell died.”
“Who’s Nell? Was she your friend?”
I nod. “She wanted to save me, and I failed her. She was finally happy and now she’s dead.”
“Why do you believe it was your fault?”
I glance away from her. The pain of that day hurts deep. “Someone broke into our apartment. He shot me, and Nell raced over to help me, but he shot her too. I survived, and she didn’t. It was my fault for not getting up in time and pushing her away.”
“Had you pushed her away, do you think the gunman would have let you both go?” she asks softly, and her voice has a tinge of sadness to it. “He would have probably killed you and Nell.”
I stare at the wall and will the tears not to fall.
“Okay, let’s try something else,” she says, and I turn to look at her. She sits up taller and presses her hands together. “When I say happiness, what do you think of?”
I blush. The images of Elio’s head between my thighs and the orgasm washing through me, hit me. But then images of Portia, Nell, and I watching the sun come up fills my mind.
“Watching the sun come up,” I tell her as I bring my feet up onto the couch and bring my knees to my chest. I rest my head against them. “I love the feeling of seeing the sun rise and watching as it spreads across the city.”
“I must try that one day. It sounds like it would be an amazing thing to watch.”
