AllFreeNovel
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“Yours,” I reply smiling widely. “Sorry, Ellis.”
“Nah. She secretly wants me to win,” Ellis retorts smugly, skating backwards and showing off some impressive spins and twists. “Catch me if you can!” he hollers in our direction.
“Go faster,” I tell Max, his eyes bright with enthusiasm, his cheeks pink from the cold as we chase after his brother. Aware I’m keeping Max back, I tell him, “Let go of my hand! Go get him!”
With a determined look, Max races after Ellis, his family sending them both encouragements. There’s a lot of cheating going on, lots of corners being cut and interceptions being made across the ice, but it’s good to laugh at their antics.
I join Barbara and Nils as the siblings mess around, but I can see the deep love in their eyes. Watching their children play together—even in their twenties and thirties, is a heartwarming moment they shouldn’t miss. So I feign tired legs and head for the bench to watch, taking photos to send to them later. From my lonely spot I watch Max and Sabine make a meandering circuit. It’s obvious they’re close, and that they have lots to talk about. Their bond stems from emotional intelligence which is different to how the brothers interact.
I dwell on it for far too long, my body chilling.
After a gut-bustingmeal of roasted meat and all the trimmings, and after Logan has devoured a bowl full of leftovers, Max and I take him out for a walk in the grounds. It was his suggestion. He’s noticed how quiet I’ve been since the pond. And while I’ve not been treated like an outsider, I feel like one. I feel like my purpose here is done.
“Whatever you’re thinking, I’m begging you to stop.”
I take a bolstering breath. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
Max’s face drops. He looks off towards Logan as if to compose himself before giving me his full attention. “We’ll get through this.”
He’s always been so attuned to my emotions and worries. Of course, he’s ready to fight me on this. He’s anticipated this conversation for some time. “Do you think we can?”
He stops walking, so I do too. Facing me, he says, “I want to, so yes, we can. We must, because I love you, and I’m not walking away.”
“What if I want to walk away?”
It takes a second for him to react. His hands come to his head as he turns, his gaze fixed on something in the distance. His hands rake through his hair, and his agonised reaction brings tears to my eyes. When he turns back to me, his hands dropping to his sides in defeat, I damn well near retract everything.
His voice is a broken whisper. “Is that what you want?”
Yes. No.“I think I need some time away.” I steel myself. "Apart.”
His lips open, unformed questions hovering on his tongue. “For how long?”
“Two months. Three.”
He swallows. “Don’t ask me to do this. I can’t lose you now I’ve finally got you.”
“I need time, Max.”
“I’ve got all the time to give, but we’re not doing it apart.”
I shake my head. “You need to be with your sister—”
“She’s got Ben,” he interrupts. “And you’ve got me. I want to help you through this. I should never have let you go that first time—that was my fault. But don’t punish me for doing what I thought was best for you.”
Is that what I’m doing?“I’m not punishing you. Or, I don’t mean to,” I say through my tears.
He reaches for my hand, snagging it up and holding it tightly. “Don’t cry. I hate seeing you like this.” He pauses, weighing up his thoughts. “I’ll give you all the time you need, as long as there’s anusat the end of it.”
I wipe away the tears and struggle to compose my voice. “You lied to me, Max. You pretended not to know me, yet you ran past me by the Cam for days. You rented a cabin next to ours in Shropshire, fabricating a fucked up food delivery so that we’d invite you to eat with us. You and Ben played me, dangling the idea of him, and then you chased after me, giving me gifts I don’t deserve and inviting me to live with you. And for what?” I don’t pause for an answer, I carry on. “To force the memories out of me. To find your sister—deservedly so, and for which I am immeasurably happy, but it’s left me feeling used. Worthless. And believe me, I’ve had my fill of being used.”
“Christ,” he curses, raking agitated hands through his hair again. “I know I’m a bastard, but I’m not as sick as them."
My heart pinches at his distressed voice. At his words. I catch my breath. “I don’t know what to make of that night in the shed. I feel like I imprinted on you, or you, me. I looked into your eyes for so long, thinking you were a golden king come to free me from the monsters. And when you did, you pushed me away. Youliterallypushed me out of the car and left me. I had never felt so broken. Saved, but lost. Free, but in hell.”
Watching Max cry, hurts. I take no comfort in it, but he needs to know how I feel if I’m going to be able to move on from here. To heal. I remind myself that I have a voice that will be heard, when for so long it was beaten out of me or threatened into silence. And that’s what I need to focus on over the next few weeks, no matter the pain caused by splitting from Max. He complicates things for me—an eternal reminder of my life in captivity, of men who took and took. Because like it or not, he’s part of that cycle of men who took advantage of me. His motives were altruistic, but his methods weren’t.
Now it’s Max’s turn to wipe away the tears. “I know I have an awful lot to atone for, and I will. I promise I will,” he says earnestly. “To answer your accusations, they are allmostlytrue. I did run past you hoping that seeing me would unstick your memory of me. Of your time with Luca. But you didn’t recognise me. And the food delivery was a genuine fuck up—that wasn’t staged. And whether you remembered or not, I wanted to pursue you. Do not doubt that,” he states with conviction. “The first time I saw you in that shed was torturous. I wanted to free you and to fuck you. Those two hours we shared were unique and terrifying butunifying, Ava. We made a bone-deep connection. An irreversible meeting of our souls.
