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“You wereunforgettable. I thought about you every hour of every day, waiting for the sale. In the car, I only pushed you away because my control was slipping, and I needed to do the right thing. The right thing for you by setting you free.”
He steps closer, his chest heaving. “I’m not an easy boyfriend. I think I made that clear the afternoon you agreed to move in with me. I plan to ride you pretty hard—no pun intended. But I hope the payoff is worth it. I’m controlling and possessive, and the way I like sex isborderline.My expectations of you are high, and my demands of you will be immense.But if it’s not you, then it’s no one.”
He pauses to check in with me, to catch his breath too. “You’re it for me. You were mine by heart and soul and lust and love from that first moment, but I didn’t think my brand of love was right for you. I’m ravenous, demanding, at times unprincipled and obsessive, all the things a survivor of rape doesn’t need. I’ll smother you because I’ll never have enough. Because I want to take and take and give as well. And you’re brilliant and smart and you foundmy sister!How can I not love you? There’s so much to love. So much strength and beauty and bravery to admire. Between us, you’re the one with the heart of a lion, Ava. It’s you who has the strength to heal us both.”
I stare at the ground, unable to take the raw passion in his eyes anymore as he reveals every way he is, and isn’t, the right man for me. “Are you undercover police?” I ask.
Max makes a face. “What?”
“Are you, or Jeremy working for the police?”
An incredulous, confused smile forms. “Well, no.”
I watch him, curious. “Then how did you know about the cabin in Shropshire?”
His head drops under the weight of his guilt, his voice weary. “Jeremy has friends in the force.”
“That’s why you knew where to find me.”
Dave knew I was going away—he probably wrote it in the report to the police. That must be how Jeremy knew.
“Jeremy has been working for me for years. He let me know that there was a way to find you when it was clear you were back in Cambridge and you weren’t saying anything. I was confused—we all were. Once you were freed we were optimistic, waiting to hear of a breakthrough in the case Ben has with the Metropolitan police. But there was nothing.”
Oh God.“You must have hated me.”
“No. I was confused, and upset,” he says, watching me warily, “wondering what the hell was going on. So Jeremy looked into it with his contacts and it became clear you had no memory of it due to a psychological condition. I thought that perhaps the drugs had affected you. That maybe you had the details but couldn’t access them.
“I always intended to come for you. I was going to give you some time with your family—with Jonas—and then I was going to introduce myself. But knowing your memories had gone I didn’t know how to do that. My principles of trying to do the right thing, my fraying restraint, were shoved aside. If I was going to talk to you and rectify my mistakes, then I was going to fucking have you too, and I thought starting out fresh might be the best way to do it.”
He stares me down, refusing to apologise for his goals.
“I told you I was a lot to handle, Ava. Make no mistake, I don’t want to give you a two month break, but if you need it, then it’s yours, because there's nothing I won’t do for you.”
“Three months,” I remind him, refusing to smile. He’s so much,too much, just as he describes himself.
Seeing my reaction, Max’s expression eases. “I’m sorry.For everything. For hurting you, and for not being honest. I didn’t know how to explain that I met you in a shed while you were tired to a bed and promising you at the same time that I didn’t take full advantage of you. I hoped that seeing me in Cambridge would jog your memory, that we could reconnect afterwards like normal people.” He sighs softly. “After we met, I dreamt of you every night, missing you, and praying you were surviving. My plan was to see you safely home and then I’d come for you. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t also praying you could help me.”
Unable to maintain the distance between us, I envelop him in my arms. “I love you, Max.”
“I love you, too.”
We stand still for long moments, my heart hurting. “I have two abiding memories of you from before,” I explain before pulling away so that I can see him better. “The first memory is centred around the profound connection we made. This sense of belonging to you. You made me hopeful. Your affection temporarily chased away the horrors. Your face, your promise kept me alive, desperate for my sale day. Your search became my quest, and you wereeverythingto me.”
Max hangs on my every word, his jaw trembling.
“I was drunk on happiness when you were in that car. Knowing you’d actually come for me mentally incapacitated me. Safety and freedom were beyond my comprehension and yet there you were, giving them to me so effortlessly. I thought it was the beginning ofus. Your face, my memory of you had kept me going when all I’d wanted to do before was give up. And then you pushed me away. All my dreams guttered out in front of me and I felt mentally void all over again, but this time because you broke me.”
Tears drip down my face and I wipe them away. “You had raised me so high, and then you let me go. And I don’t know which one is the truth.”
“Ava—” His voice is thick with anguish, his face a mix of horror and distress.
“I’m worried you’re only with me because I served a purpose.”
Angrily, Max shakes his head. “No,absolutely not.”
“You pushed me to my breaking point several times, helping me find answers. And for that I’m grateful, but I can’t trust the reasons behind the behaviour.”
“I’m fast,” he implores. “I listed out a whole load of adjectives why I’m no saint, but don’t doubt my feelings for you. Ilove you. I had to break you down in order to build you back up. I only wanted to unshackle you from your past.”
