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“You. Saved. My. Life,” I stress. He saved me in all the ways a person can be saved. “I will always feel indebted to you. So I need to make sure I’m with you for all the right reasons too.”
Max’s mouth parts. His head tilts as he absorbs my words. “What are you saying?”
I swallow. “Just like you need time to make sure you’re with me—not out of duty now Sabine is safe, but forgenuine reasons, I need to ensure my love for you is based on real emotion. Did I fall in love with you in that shed?” I nod. “Yes, I really think I did. Did I fall in love with you all over again? Yes, without a doubt.”
“So what’s the problem?” he asks lethally calmly. “What isn’t clear to you, because it sounds pretty logical to me?”
“I need to spend some time onme.Not us, but me, to work this all out. And I can’t do that while living with you in Highgate and sleeping in your bed.” I take a breath, ready to deliver the final blow. “I’m going to New York with Tilly.”
His body deflates, a heavy exhale misting in the space between us. “What if you lived in Cambridge while you thought this through?”
“I need to get away from the area and all the crap that drags around behind me. I need a change.”
“Am I the crap?”
“No.No,” I stress. “But Cambridge is where I see my counsellor, the police. Where I used to work and then struggled to work. Where I struggled to live.” It was where I was too afraid to look at my boyfriend’s penis, let alone touch it. “Cambridge is a reminder of an old life I need to leave behind.”
“I can work from New York. We can work through this together—”
“Max,” I plead. “You can’t follow me. If you love me, you need to let me do this.”
His exhale is deep and long, his breath fogging the air. “I know,” he murmurs. “I’ve got to be Aslan.”
I lean into him, my arms encircling his trim waist as he holds me tightly.
“What will you do in New York?”
I twist my head to see him. “My former boss has given me some contacts. Maybe I can pick up some cancer research again, or I’ll branch out and look at other areas of research. I’m excited for the new direction.”
“You should follow that energy. You should do work you love.”
I drop my head, murmuring, “Thanks.”
“So, a month?”
I can’t help but smile. “Three. It will give us time to realise one way or the other if we’re together for all the right reasons.”
“We are,” he asserts, palming my face. “I hate this idea, but I’ll prove it to you every day because we’re not cutting communication lines as well. There’s no way you’ll forget me this time.”
His statement is delivered with such gentle teasing, such confidence, I can’t help but laugh. And the thought of no contact for three months was something I dreaded.
My hands settle on his chest, his down jacket soft under my hands. “I’ll miss you, but we need this.”
Quietly, he replies, “I just need you.”
CHAPTERTHIRTY
MAX
After a long swim,I grab a quick shower before walking Logan around the heath. Ava and I only managed to run here together once before she left for New York. Still, I try and focus on the good memories as Logan trots happily around the huge park, but I miss her.
Physically, we might be thousands of miles apart, but she lives inside my head all the time, an obsession I can’t wean myself from. But instead of my thoughts being dominated by how much I wanted her, about her memories returning and what that would mean for us, for my sister, now I’m more concerned about the impact of those memories on her.
She’s struggling. Sleep evades her. Anxieties swarm her, the world a constant trigger to her past. When I pushed Tilly for a straight-up answer to my constant, worried texts, she admitted Ava was homesick.
I presumed that was code for missing me. It’s how I’m interpreting it at any rate, but I can’t blame Tilly for not trusting me. For not divulging every small detail about Ava’s recovery. I need to prove myself to her too.
Ava’s been gone two months, a fucking lifetime. That first month, before she left for America, she met with Sabine often, both of them supporting each other. Some of those occasions, Sabs or Ben tipped me off, and I just happened to call in on my sister with some flowers or a book to read.
