AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Usually they brought with them the promise of a new day, but my days hadn’t been filled with anything worthy of giving a shit. Not since Maggie died.
Sunlight flitted through the crack in the drapes, perfectly placed so the beams landed across my face. I winced, shutting my eyes tighter from the world that threatened to impede on the dreams I wanted to crawl back into.
My head pounded against the inside of my skull as I snuggled into the too soft pillow and wondered where the hell it came from. I thought I’d gotten rid of Maggie’s soft ones after she died, but apparently I’d forgotten one.
Maggie.
Just her name made my chest ache, but ever the masochist of my own heart, I followed the trail.
Maggie
Maggie was gone.
Maggie wasn’t mine.
She was Bill’s.
Eden.
Eden.
Her name hit me like a freight train as memories from the night before slammed to the forefront. It was like watching my deepest fantasies and greatest nightmares through a warped bubble that was about to pop.
My eyes flew open, and instead of the warm smile that should’ve stretched across my face at the sight of the beautiful woman snuggled up beside me, shame blossomed in my chest.
I wanted this, I reminded myself, but my words didn’t hold the confidence they did the night before. That’s what happened with the light of day.
My gaze drifted to Eden, lying draped in the white hotel sheet, her hair shimmering in the morning sun just above the bite marks I left on her shoulders during round two… or maybe it was three. Fuck, it didn’t matter.
The pounding in my head increased with every waking moment, no doubt from the ridiculous amount of alcohol I drank.
What the fuck was I thinking?
I wasn’t in my twenties anymore. I wasn’t back in Harrison County trying to survive. I had an entire life that I’d built. It might not be perfect, but there were people who counted on me, and I’d forgotten all about them.
How could I be so fucking selfish?
Easy.
I’d been questioning who I was for the last year.
Ignoring my intrusive thoughts, I carefully bunched the sheets so as not to wake her and tugged them from my torso before sliding out of the bed. Standing there naked, I ran a hand through my hair while searching for my clothes which were strewn across the floor.
Everything hurt. My heart from Maggie, my muscles from Eden, and my mind from the giant cluster-fuck I’d created for myself.
I’m sorry. So sorry. My conscience echoed the mantra through my mind to the point I wasn’t sure if my internal chant was for Eden, myself, or my God. I knew Catholic guilt was a real thing, but it was never more evident than in that moment, because I had no one to blame but myself.
Again I asked myself what the hell was I thinking, but with consciousness came clarity, and I already knew the answer.
I wasn’t.
My grief and rage paired with copious amounts of alcohol and temptation were the perfect storm to send me spiraling into actions I’d only thought about in moments of weakness. Only this time, I wasn’t strong enough to resist.
Which, apparently, was a running theme in my life. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to my father. I wasn’t strong enough to be the man Maggie needed. I wasn’t strong enough to tell Eden no.
The last one left a bitter taste in my mouth. Eden wasn’t a problem to be solved. Somewhere deep inside me, I knew that. I hadn’t wanted to tell her no. She rushed into my life like a crashing wave and exposed the thin layer of doubt that echoed in my soul. The promise of ‘what if’.
What if I wasn’t supposed to be a deacon?
