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I tried to keep my voice soft and not drenched with anger. “Well, that’s done, darling. I will apologize to you whenever I need to. I am hoping I won't need to too many times.”
Kira smiled softly, but there was something so much deeper in her eyes. “So, you did want me to touch you?” she asked. Her voice was still quiet, but she sounded too hopeful for my control to remain strong.
My free hand flexed, trying to keep my body in check. I wanted to kiss her like crazy. “I didn’t want you to touch me like that,” I said. When the weight of her cheek on my palm got lighter and her eyes filled with disappointment, I added, “I didn’t want you to touch me because you felt like you had to. I didn’t want you to see me as one of them.”
“I don’t,” she said so fast. She looked horrified by the thought.
“But that is why you did it, right? They never gave you anything for free. They always demanded something sexual for thank-yous. You just went into autopilot.”
Her forehead wrinkled, and I spent so much of my energy to not smooth down those lines. “I don’t know what I was thinking,” she confessed. “But I didn’t see you as one of them.”
I tried to smile, but I couldn’t unsee her lie. It hurt me, but I didn’t hurtherby showing it. “Please don’t.”
This time she shook her head. She wanted me to believe it. Her cheek pressed into my hand more, and one of her hands came to my knee hesitantly. “They did do that. They always wanted something in return, but they were never silent about it. Anytime they did anything good for me, they would tell me to thank them. They would tell me to pay back.” My jaw flexed, but Kira kept going like she didn’t notice. “But you didn’t. You didn’t ask for anything. You just did something good, and I wanted to thank you.” Her eyes left mine. “I just don’t know any other way to thank someone.”
Fuck me. I was gonna enjoy killing Ivan so much.
My thumb slowly brushed her cheek and then traced a line along her jaw as I cupped her neck so that she would look back at me. When she finally turned those sad blue eyes to me, I tried my best to breathe normally. “Next time, just use your words. It is enough for me.”Or tell me you don’t want to die anymore.
She nodded softly. “Okay.”
My hand left her cheek, and I felt the loss all over my body. From the look on her face, she did too. Or I was hoping too much. Still, I couldn’t help but held her hand to press a quick soft kiss to her wrist before saying, “Come on. Let’s finish our food.”
She again nodded. I rose from the bed, but as I took a few steps towards the door, Kira didn’t move. When I turned back to look at her, she had an absent and a little shy look on her face. I looked at her expectantly.
Her delicate throat moved with her swallowing. “Other than all that. Did you… want me to touch you?”
Shit.
I had no idea how I could answer that. I wanted to tell her I wanted that more than anything. I wanted to tell her pushing her away was the hardest thing I have ever done. Yet, I knew I shouldn’t. I also knew I shouldn’t tell her no because I felt like that would also make her sad.
After clearing my throat, I just repeated what I said earlier. “I just didn’t want you to touch me like that.” Kira seemed like she was not breathing. She was waiting for more, but I couldn’t give it to her. I didn’t know how to treat her right. I didn’t know how I could gather all her broken pieces so she could see me for what I really was.
I didn’t know.
So, I just turned my back and said, “Let’s eat.
Chapter 9
Kira
I felt so stupid. So stupid.
“Tupoy,” I hit my head with my hand again. It seemed like I couldn’t stop since last night.
Our dinner went out pretty quiet, and after I was done eating, I just ran back to my room. At first, I was horrified with myself, but after Gabriele assured me that it was okay, the embarrassment came. I literally tried to suck his dick because I felt grateful. I couldn’t find another way to show my happiness.
It was pathetic.
I was pathetic.
I nearly forced myself to him. I didn’t see him like he said, though. He was different than Aleksei. I knew he would not demand anything for a thank you. I just wanted to give. I wanted to touch him.
Maybe it was more than my brain going into autopilot. I wanted his touch. For once in my life, I wanted to be touched with my consent. I wanted to know it didn’t have to be horrible. I wanted to know that it could be pleasurable for me too.
Gabriele’s words still danced in my mind.
I just didn’t want you to touch me like that.
