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When I reached an age where I should have understood his mind games, it was too late. He was already in my head. Every time he hurt me, he would tell me I was not a real man and what I should do to become one. I was also coming out to myself as bisexual, and it made it even harder. I thought that maybe I really wanted what Duran did to me. I thought maybe I deserved it.
In years I got over the homophobia he put in my head. I made peace with who I was, but that didn’t solve everything. I still heard his voice in my head. Whenever I was not sure about something or when I was vulnerable, I heard him telling me I was not a real man. I heard him tormenting me.
I thought that I could escape him, especially after I killed him.
Because I did. I killed him as my first victim. I cut off his cock and his balls and pushed them into his throat. I made him bleed, and I made him choke. Unfortunately, I could only do that after he hurt me irreversibly.
When Salvatore became Capo, my torment was paused. Sal didn’t like Ricci, so he was not able to come to visit our house so often. He couldn’t stay under the same roof as me. He was not able to hurt me anymore. I was thirteen, and I was aware of most things. I hoped that maybe that was the end. I knew I was not going to get over it easily, but at least it was done. Maybe one day, I would even tell Sal.
I hoped that maybe one day I would heal.
Ricci had other plans, though. He was not happy with Salvatore’s leadership and his ideas. He decided to team up with Bratva and betray us. One day when Sal was not at home, he broke in with the Bratva. Their main goal was to get Mia, but instead, they found us.
Verona and I were supposed to be at school, but that was the day she got her period for the first time. Her skirt was bloodied. I gave her my hoodie, as she was still so embarrassed, and she had cramps. She wanted to go back home. I could have made fun of her and forced her to stay. I was an asshole kid. I was supposed to do that.
I should have found a way to keep her in school, but I wanted to go back home too. I was just bored. I didn’t want to attend any more classes. I wanted to go home and play video games. I didn’t know what was waiting for us in there.
I didn’t know Ricci was going to break in with Bratva.
I fought him. I was already strong. I managed to run and land a few hits on him. I was strong, and he was old, but unfortunately, he was not alone.
And the worst part was that I was not alone either.
Ricci got a hold of me and pulled me into a room, telling me that he was going to fuck me. I felt horrible. I felt like a moron for thinking it was done. I was sure that it was going to continue forever. However, I was ready for that pain. I knew that pain. I got through it before, and I could get through it again.
I was not ready for the scene in that room, though.
Apparently, they caught Verona before me. When Ricci pushed me into the floor, face first, Verona was already in there. Her hair was messy, her clothes were messy, her panties were on her ankle, and a large man was already on top of her.
Ricci didn’t only rape me that day but made me watch my sister get raped too. I watched her get hurt without being able to help her. I listened to her screams, her cries. I watched her bleed. I held her hand.
When they left us there broken and bleeding, I got up despite the pain in my body because the pain in my soul was much worse. I gathered Verona in my arms, and I took care of her. I knew I was never going to get over that. I knew Verona was always going to carry that pain.
However, I didn’t want to cause pain to any other person I loved. I already failed Verona. I didn’t want to fail anyone else. I made her swear not to tell anyone about it. I didn’t want them to blame themselves. Salvatore was already going to feel horrible because of the break-in. There was no need for more pain.
We only told Bianca because Duran was her father, and she had a story to share with us as well. That helped, but I never wanted to tell anyone else. I wanted to give my family only happiness. I wanted to make jokes and smile and be their sunshine.
I didn’t want them to hurt.
I kept it a secret. Every time Verona had an episode and hurt herself, I patched her back together. I took care of her. I took her to a therapist. I always kept it a secret.
I did it all by myself. I put their happiness over mine, and I never regretted it.
Killing Duran never silenced his voice in my head. Whatever I did, nothing managed to heal Verona. I couldn’t fix everything, yet I never stopped. I was just too tired.
I am so tired.
When I was done telling the story, Luce was crying in my arms. I could tell she tried not to. She wanted to be strong for me, but she couldn’t hold it.
I understood. I was expecting her to cry. Most people would cry.
I just hoped that her tears were just because she was overwhelmed and because she loved me. Even though I didn’t regret telling her, I was still scared. I was horrified that she was crying because she pitied me. I didn’t want things to change between us. I told her so we could get closer, but I knew it could have the opposite effect. She could judge me for keeping it a secret. She could see a weak boy when she looked at me from now on.
I knew this could fuck up everything, but I still didn’t regret it. I wanted her to know and help me carry this burden. I wanted there to be no lies between us.
Softly I brushed away her tears and smiled weakly. “Don’t cry for me, Kitty. It is all in the past.”
She shook her head. “I don’t care. I want to kill him all over again. I want to fucking cut his tongue so he cannot talk in your head ever again.”
