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Probably false hope, but I’m willing to go along.
If only for my mental health. Sometimes delusions were the only safety blanket you can afford.
I nod slowly, agreeing to see a doctor first thing tomorrow.
Morning brings another level of dread I don’t want to face. I couldn’t sleep. The thoughts and possibilities kept spinning around in my mind late into the night. I lay in my bed looking up at the ceiling for hours until I eventually passed out from exhaustion.
I wake up with Jennie wrapped around me like a koala, making me struggle for my life to get out of her grip. I finally manage to untangle myself without waking her, which is impressive. Jennie can sleep through anything.
In the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror. Dark, heavy bags under my eyes, tired-looking face, exhaustion clear in my posture, I’m a mess, inside and out. Mess or not, I get showered and dressed. Today’s the day I see a doctor and pray this is all some crazy story I can tell over drinks by the weekend.
Jennie’s up by the time I’m getting out of the shower. I hear her on the phone with the doctor’s office through the door. Despite the circumstances, I’m smiling a little. I’m happy that she’s here to handle the mundane part of this whole thing. I take a final look in the mirror as I get ready, then settle into the reality that we are going to see a doctor and that’s all there was to it.
And Jennie’s here now that we’re in the waiting room. She’s making jokes about the paperwork and that’s settling my nerves. I’m grateful for her being here.
The entire visit takes about an hour and a half. I fill out paperwork. The nurses weigh me and take my temperature. And after I tell them what I’m there for, they ask me all the super personal questions about my reproductive system.When was your last period? Did you use a condom? Do you think you might also have STDs?and so on and on.
The part with the doctor was the hardest part. I sit on the table holding Jennie’s hand as he explains to me that if the tests were right, then, more than likely, I was pregnant.Modern tests are about as accurate as the ones we use in the office…I drowned most of that out. He still wants to do a blood test, though, just to see how far along I am. I go through a pelvic exam just to make sure everything is where it’s supposed to be. I come out of that with a clean bill of health. No infections. No abnormalities. At least there’s that.
When we leave, it’s with the knowledge that Iampregnant.
I’m pregnant. For really real.
We’re sitting in the car now and Jennie is looking over at me carefully, her hand on the ignition. “You okay over there?”
I nod. My throat is dry and even if it wasn’t, I don’t have any words.
Jennie drops me off at the house and tells me that she’ll be back with some dinner for me tonight. I shouldn’t have to worry about cooking, I guess.
One of the first things I do once I get home is call in to work. I tell my boss that I’m not feeling well and I’m going to take a couple of days. My nausea must have been noticeable because he doesn’t give me a fight about it, even though we’re swamped at the job. With all this free time, my overthinking habit exceeds its maximum capacity.
I think about Jack and all the complications that come with being forever associated with him. How do I bring this up to him?
My mind suddenly shifts to Stacy, and at that exact moment, I know exactly what she must feel. I chuckle at the irony of the situation. Just a few weeks back, I was gossiping about her ending up pregnant and now look at me.
I think about calling her, wanting to talk to someone who recently went through a similar situation but then I talk myself out of it. Stacy probably has her own problems right now and…well, at the moment, I’m still in a slight bit of deniable about it.
The doctor said I was pregnant, but couldn’t that blood test come back showing I wasn’t?
Modern tests are about as accurate as the ones we use in the office…
Sure. The hope is pretty slim.
The morning comes and I wake up from another nearly sleepless night. My test results are supposed to be back today. I sit by my bed, looking at the time and biting my bottom lip nervously. They’re due to be open any minute, now.
Everything seems loud to me all of a sudden. I can hear my refrigerator buzzing all the way in the kitchen. I can hear the click of the air conditioning come on. It also seems a little too fucking bright in here all of a sudden.
I take some deep breaths as the clock ticks on. I need to calm down. If I call there like a raving maniac, they’re liable to call the cops on me for harassing them.I need to calm down…
I breathe until my hands stop shaking, then I pick up my phone from the nightstand and dial.
The phone rings and rings. Three…four…five…Jesus, pick up the fucking phone…
“Medical General, how can I help you?”
The woman’s voice sounds pleasant. Maybe even a little relaxed.It must be nice.I clear my throat and say, “Hi, this is Sarah Williams. I was there yesterday for a test…”
The sound of typing. Then, “Oh, right. Let me pull it up for you.”
