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When she’d asked me before if I would keep it or not, I didn’t know the answer. Now, sitting here with ginger tea warming my hands, I found myself cringing a little at the idea of giving the baby away or having an abortion.
“We don’t know for sure yet, though,” said Jennie, glancing at the clock on her phone. “And we won’t know for at least ten more minutes. So let’s just drink our tea and wait.”
So…we wait.
The fifteen minutes drag on until, finally, it’s time. Three-quarters of my tea is gone and what’s left is cold in my cup. I’m frozen in my seat.
“Okay,” says Jennie. “Time to see the results.”
“I don’t think I can do it.”
“Come on.” Jennie holds out her hand to me and stands up. I take her hand and she pulls me up from my seat.
We walk to the bathroom and I freeze just outside the half-open door. “You see what the results are.” I look to Jennie. I can’t seem to get my feet to move any further. “Please.”
Jennie smiles at me and pats my hand gently. “Okay.” She walks all the way into the bathroom and looks down at the three test sticks on the sink. She stands there for an eternity, her complexion going paler by the second.
“Jennie?” I say when she doesn’t move. “H-hey. Jennie, what is it?”
Jennie doesn’t move except to bite her lip in distress.
“Jennie, goddamn it, say something, please. You’re scaring me.”
Jennie takes a breath. It’s quick and succinct as if she just needed a second to breathe. She looks over at me with big, brown eyes the size of saucers.
“It is positive,” she says. “Allof them are positive.”
The breath I’m holding whooshes from my lungs, and all my emotions release in as if a dam has been broken.
I step back once, twice, and a third time. I continue wobbling backward as if separating myself from the consequences of my actions, of my foolishness.
Until I back myself against the hallway wall.
Stupid. That is what I am. Extremely stupid. How did I fall into something that was so avoidable, something so idiotic? How did I make this mistake despite being proud of my critical thinking skills and intellectual decision-making? This is not intellectual in any way. How can this be happening to me?
And with Jack, of all people?
“Sarah?” Jennie’s coming out of the bathroom and walking towards me. “Sarah, honey. Come on.” She takes me by the shoulders and holds me up. I feel like my knees are buckling from beneath me.
“This is not the end of the world. Remember what I told you. No matter what, it’s going to be okay.”
She engulfs me in her arms, giving me a warm hug. I can’t feel anything, but the arms around me provide some comfort. I’m staring at the bottom of the bathroom through the door, my mind spinning out with the possibilities….
What am I supposed to do now? How do I manage this? What about Jack? Do I tell him?ShouldI even tell him? I don’t even know what I’m going to do about all this really. Should I even involve him in this situation?
A thousand different questions run through my head, and I can’t answer a single one. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down. One step at a time–I have to take this one step at a time. That’s all I can manage right now.
Jennie walks me to the living room and we sit down on the couch. For a long time, she doesn’t say anything and neither do I. We’re both still reeling from the shock.
When she finally does break the silence, it’s only to say, “You know, you’ll need to go to the doctor. We can’t just go by the tests.”
“I don’t see why not,” I reply. “Three out of three. What are even the odds?”
She nods slowly. “Good point. You should still go anyway. I mean…you can’t not go to the doctor here, Sarah. You know this isn’t up for debate…right?”
I look over at her and there’s nothing but seriousness in her eyes. “All right,” I say. “Besides, I could be one of the small percentages of women that got three false positives.”
“Anything’s possible,” she said, feeding into my need to hope that this wasn’t real.
