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“I don’t think I want a big wedding,” I say as soon as Julia is gone. “It's too much trouble for just one day.”
Ethan looks at me quizzically. “So you don’t want the sunflower field and the mermaid dress?” he asks.
Of course, the cover of the magazine. It was just what I wanted when we first met, but now it made no sense to me.
“Don’t you think that would be a waste?” I ask. We order our food and smile as the photographer comes by taking quick pictures of the wedding guests.
“A waste?” Ethan asks. “I thought it’s what you always wanted. You could live your dream for a day. I don’t see how something that would make you happy could ever be a waste,” he says.
“Well, not for our wedding anyway. I think it would be better if we just go to the courthouse for that. Not sure I still want the big wedding anyhow,” I explain casually.
It is only after I have said it that I see how my words sting Ethan. Our wedding, the one he had first planned to trick me into, then we agreed to have as a means to an end, had now become something more to Ethan. It’s clear from the look in his eyes and the way he gulps down his champagne after I have spoken.
I shrink back ashamed to have hurt Ethan and try to turn the whole situation around. I still care for him and we are still partners. I want him to be okay with how things work out.
“Do you want a big wedding?” I ask him.
Ethan smiles sadly. “I want a wedding that will make my wife happy,” he says simply.
I blush and feel a rush of emotions towards him. I want to lay on his chest and hear his heartbeat, but I want my bakery more.
“Come,” Ethan says, leading me onto the dance floor. “Let me dance at a wedding, since I won’t be dancing at my own.”
I follow Ethan onto the dance floor and we dance, our bodies close to each other. Even though this really does feel right, I have to keep reminding myself that it is not real.
24
Ethan
It’s been a few days since the wedding, but it feels like so much longer because so much has changed. I’ve been working, researching and calling in favors to get my ducks in a row. I didn’t need the distractions so I haven’t been to the club and I haven’t spoken to Cassidy.
I wasn’t ready then, but now I am.
I know exactly what I need to say and when I send her a text message asking her to meet me, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.
“Mr. Knight, the driver is downstairs,” my receptionist says, and I ask her to tell him he can leave the car in the parking garage.
I want to drive myself today. It will give me time to think, figure things out. God knows, I need to clear my head.
I drive out past the club and then past Cassidy’s apartment block toward a greener part of the city. Down the street from a row of restaurants and around the corner from the theater, I park the car in front of an empty building. Newspapers stuck on the store front, a clean canvas, it could be anything.
I look up the street and see Cassidy walking toward me. Dressed in a bright yellow dress and sandals she looks like happiness, like a happy sunny day with her red hair falling in luscious curls around her shoulders. She is more beautiful than I imagined she would be. I was expecting her work uniform: black slacks, white shirt and maybe a hoodie or a sweater over it. But this blew me away.
“Hi,” she smiles.
I keep my hands buried deep in my pockets to ward off any thoughts of hugs or kisses.
I can’t bear the touch of her skin, the feeling of her body pressed up against mine, while knowing I can’t have her. Cassidy can never really be mine. She has made her choice.
“Hi,” I say back.
It wasn’t part of my plan, but my face just refuses to smile and pretend everything is okay. I know I can’t do this if I don’t shut off all my emotions. I need to keep my distance, keep a wall between us for this to end as quickly as possible.
This is about logic. Plain and simple. It’s black and white, no gray areas or room for interpretation. I just have to do it. I have to end it.
“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you,” Cassidy says nervously. She wrings her hands helplessly and searches my face for something.
I’m not sure what she wants to see.
