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Ethan’s kiss moves something within me more than my lust. I don’t just want him, need has found its way in and I feel my heart fill so quickly I’m afraid it will burst open. I pull away again.
“You know, Lizzy is one of my best friends,” I say. “She’ll need me. This is a big day for her and I want to get there early.”
“Of course,” Ethan says, dejected.
I stand up and walk out of the study and back into the bathroom, immediately heading for the solace of the shower.
I hear Ethan in the bedroom right outside the bathroom, and call to him. “Ethan?” He doesn’t respond, but I know he hears me. “Please don’t do this,” I beg. “Please don’t turn our entire lives upside down. I really need this to work out,” I say desperately.
Ethan is quiet. He stops doing whatever it was I could hear him doing before, and I know it’s his turn to be frozen with shock.
It breaks my heart that I have to choose one or the other, but I know we can’t have both. And for the first time I have to choose myself over an ‘us’ that could just be a fleeting dalliance.
“Ethan, please, this is my only hope at making my bakery a reality. Please,” I beg. It’s easier to do when I know he is not here looking at me, judging me.
“Fine. We’ll go on as planned if that’s what you really want,” Ethan says.
It’s a question and opportunity to tell him how I feel and I keep quiet. I don’t say a word more because I don’t want to get in my own way and I don’t want to lie to Ethan about how I feel.
I hear him sigh, a deep sad sigh that tells me he is disappointed. Then I hear the door slam shut and I know he’s left the bedroom. I let my tears wash down my face under the running water and get ready for the wedding with hope that things will actually work out for me and my bakery.
The car ride to the wedding is tense and uncomfortable. I know there are so many things that Ethan wishes I would say, but I let all the unsaid things build between us instead, pushing him away.
“Beth!” I squeal, seeing her as soon as we arrive at the wedding venue. I drag Ethan behind me and go to hug her.
Ethan and Beth share a cold hello and I give him a quick hug and kiss before we go to check on Lizzy.
Lizzy is a vision in her dress. She looks more beautiful than she did when I first saw her dress at her fitting.
“How do I look?” Lizzy asks, her eyes glossy with tears.
“Like an angel,” I say, hugging her. “Everything looks perfect. You look perfect,” I say, stepping back to get a good look at her again.
“I’m so nervous,” Lizzy says. “It’s just a whole jumble of emotions. Are you sure everything looks okay out there?” she asks, wringing her hands.
“Everything is perfect,” Beth says.
And it is. Everything is perfect, even as we walk out and toward the chapel. I spot Ethan sitting next to an elderly lady, quickly smile at him and give a small wave. He smiles back and even though there are no tears in his eyes, I can tell that he is weighed down by emotions. I just can’t be sure if it’s the wedding or the conversation we had earlier.
I walk down the aisle ahead of Lizzy expecting to feel some magic, some fluttering feeling in my belly as I imagine my own wedding. But there is nothing. I smile, taking in all the beautiful décor and wondering how much it all cost.
I look back to see Ethan while the priest reads out a passage and takes Lizzy and Tom through their vows. He is listening intently; the old woman holds onto his arm, squeezing it, and I wonder what he is thinking. He nods his approval and smiles when Lizzy and Tom kiss. In that moment, even if we hadn’t had that awful conversation this morning, it’s clear that something has shifted in Ethan.
“That really was a beautiful ceremony,” Ethan says when I find him during the reception.
“Oh yes, lovely,” I say. Honestly, even though I am happy for Lizzy, the wedding ceremony was like any other. White dress, flowers and tearful vows.
Ethan’s elderly friend comes to join us standing around a cocktail table. “Is this your lovely lady?” she asks, smiling.
“Yes,” Ethan smiles proudly. “Julia, this is Cassidy.”
I smile and shake Julia’s hand. “Thank you for looking after him for me,” I say, not knowing what else to add in such a situation.
“I’m sure the two of you will be having a wedding of your own soon enough,” Julia smiles, holding my hand for a little too long.
I smile back awkwardly. The wedding was a done deal and we were running out of time, but that isn’t very romantic. I decide to keep things vague with Julia.
Ethan puts his arm around me and squeezes as if to assure me that our day would really be coming soon.
