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I felt like an electric shock ran through me. The thought had never occurred to me, though I could see why someone outside of the immediate situation might come to that conclusion.
I ran a weary hand through my hair and rose from the table and went to the sink full of dishes and started to rinse them before bending to open the dishwasher. “No.” Never, my mind boomed. Chase would never ask me to do that. I shook myself mentally. My heart still felt exactly the same as it had from the minute I fell in love with him as if my heart knew his even better than he knew himself, but maybe I didn’t. If Kat would even suggest it, maybe he would have, too. She was his sister, so if it weren’t possible, would she suggest it? Jesus. “No, I never thought he’d ask that of me. Do you think he would have if I’d have told him the truth?”
“No, but over the years, I’ve considered that you might have taken the decision to put his career first out of his hands just to avoid that exact conversation. Like maybe… the possibility of him failing you like that would hurt too much.”
“That’s generous of you, Kat. More than I deserve. No.” Tears filled my eyes as I plugged the sink, turned on the hot water and reached for the dishwashing liquid and squeezed a good amount into the water before shoving several dirty pans into it. “Chase would never fail that test.”
“Then I don’t get it?” Kat pulled off the dishtowel I had hanging on the handle of the oven and came to stand next to me at the sink. I blinked in an attempt to hide my tears. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but I can’t help wondering.”
I glanced at her trying to conjure a weak smile. I gave up and started to wash the dishes, plunging a clean dishcloth into the scalding water; wincing. It seared my skin and still, I persisted, pushing the wet rag over the surface of a pan that Jensen used to make macaroni and cheese, and then left it to dry. I scrubbed, ignoring the burn of the water on my flesh. Physical pain was a welcome respite from the emotional torture I dealt with.
“Sorry, Teagan,” Kat said softly. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, again.”
“Everything makes me cry, lately. It’s not you. My emotions are just a little too raw. I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings.”
Kat took the pan from me and rinsed it, and then started to dry it before setting it aside as I washed the next one. “I will never forgive myself, Kat. Just seeing Chase and Remi together I realize how I’ve robbed them both of something priceless. If Remi doesn’t make it, I’m not sure how I’ll live with myself.”
Kat reached out and laid a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. “She’s going to be fine. You’ll see. Chase will match.”
“He has to, Kat.” I continued my task. “He just has to.”
“Well, if he doesn’t, we’ll start hounding people to test for the registry. We can start a campaign on social media. If you’re all willing to tell the world he’s her father, I’m sure thousands would turn out for it.”
I nodded, unwilling to tell her I wasn’t sure if we had the luxury of the time necessary. Remi had already been on the donor list for four months without result. If Chase didn’t match she’d have to take chemo right away and I shuddered at the possibility. “Mean medicine; that’s what Remi calls chemo and if he doesn’t match we have to start it right away …” I let my words die in despair.
Kat wrapped her right arm around me as we both leaned against the counter in front of the sink full of sudsy water. She tugged me a bit closer until our hips touched and squeezed my waist. “It’s all gonna be fine. We just have to have faith, Teagan. Remi will be okay, and Chase will come around. Time heals everything.”
My chin fell toward my chest and I gave an almost imperceptible nod in affirmation, though inside I was frozen with fear. I’d been praying for Remi for two years and Chase well, there’d been a hole in my heart since he left for London so long ago.
I prayed to God that Kat was right.
CHASE
Remi was sleeping and I was slumped in the chair beside her.
The sound of her even breathing had a calming effect on the raging turmoil in my head and heart. It was only 10 PM, but Remi had been sleeping for over an hour. Teagan was working with Kat and the cleaning crew to get her house ready for Remi the next day. I’d texted to let her know I planned to take Remi some ice cream and spend time with her before she went to sleep, so she’d be able to finish the house without worrying about our daughter.
Our daughter. I was still reeling but somehow accepting responsibility for Remi was easier than forgiving Teagan, Jensen and now, Kat.
Jesus. Did my entire family know and keep it from me?
I’d left the hotel with my head full of convoluted thoughts, but still took a cab to the nearest bookstore and picked up a dozen new books, a teddy bear, a coloring book, and crayons for her; then I had the driver drop me off at the 7-11 down the street from the hospital where I picked up a carton of chocolate Ben & Jerry’s. We shared it and then I read her one of the stories about Clifford the Big Red Dog. I’d adored the series when I was young and was pleased that Remi loved it, too.
The light in the room was off with only the soft blue glow from the silenced television to fall on Remi lying so peacefully in the bed. I glanced at her angelic face and my heart seized. In repose, it was a perfect replica of Teagan’s, and when her eyes were open there was no denying she was mine. How could Teagan look in those eyes every day for the past five years and not tell me about my daughter? I felt utterly betrayed, furious, and so fucking destroyed I could barely breathe. I closed my eyes in anguish. I felt robbed and broken-hearted, walking around with my chest cracked open allowing the slow bleed that would slowly kill me.
My heart screamed at me to confront Teagan. Part of me wanted to yell and demand the answers I deserved, and another part was dying to pull her close to me and never let go. It was amazing, and at the same time, so incredibly tragic. She ripped my fucking heart out, and still I couldn’t hate her even though I wanted to, and I wanted to with everything I had. I was tired of the pain that exhausted me. It had taken me years to even breathe, praying for the year I’d forget her birthday, yet one text and I was yanked mercilessly back into the past, helpless to stop the flood of emotions or the torturous thoughts.
I sighed and swallowed hard at the lump forming in my throat. Despite the desperation, depression, misery or complete and utter loss I’d suffered, there wasn’t a second when I’d wished I never knew Teagan. Remi’s existence, so small and fragile, only made her harder to regret. Remi was perfect and knowing how much she suffered was more than I could stand. I’d only just met her and the gravity of her illness was overwhelming; I could only imagine what Teagan had to go through watching her baby suffer the horrors of chemotherapy. Twice.
It had to be literal hell, and Kat was right; I had been spared all of it, but now I was drowning in sorrow. I pulled at the front of my shirt, absently trying to ease the tightness in my chest. I tried to fill my lungs, but it was like two steel bands refused to let them expand.
I leaned forward, and fell to my knees, resting my elbows on the mattress. Remi smelled of lotion and baby shampoo; the scent filling my nostrils as I studied her little face; the perfect bow of her mouth, her pert nose, the curve of her delicate brows and the dark lashes resting on her cheeks. She was thin so her cheeks weren’t as plump as those of most children I’d seen of similar age, but she was still so beautiful.
Poor, brave little shit, my mind screamed. It wasn’t fair! Life had a way of fucking you over and that was fine for me. Maybe I even deserved it, but not Remi.
I blinked at the burn in my eyes as I reached out to trace the curve of her face with the index finger of my right hand. Her skin was like velvet, her hair silky soft and baby fine. She was perfect; except for that bitch; cancer. Perfect, yet robbed of time. No child should have to suffer hospitals, needles, pain, or poison. She should be playing with her friends, going to school and having a dog… without any worries. The whole thing was so goddamn wrong.
I laid my head on Remi’s pillow above hers with one arm laid over her. How could my entire world be altered so completely in less than twenty-four hours? I’d never considered this was what Teagan needed when she texted and asked me to get on a plane. I knew it was something big, but a child she’d hidden? Never. I never thought she’d do something like this. My mind slammed shut when uncertainty about her reasons nagged at me.
