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“Get her out of here,” the attending physician said firmly. “Bag her, and give me twenty units of vasopressin, then push normal saline, stat. Ready another ten units and a syringe of epinephrine as a back-up.”
I couldn’t breathe. The irony of own heart was pounding like a drum in my ears, while Remi’s had stopped; made me sick. I heard everything as if I were underwater; even my own voice. “No! I can’t leave my baby! Please!”
“Come on, ma’am. You know that you have to get out of here so the doctors have room to work,” the nurse pulling on my right arm slid her other arm around my back and turned me, ushering me quickly out of the examining room. “It’s best to go to the waiting room. Is there anyone to sit with you?”
I nodded absently and in a matter of three seconds, I was in the hallway and out of the double ER doors. The nurse’s arm was withdrawn from around me and she was murmuring something about letting us know. She turned and rushed through the door before it had a chance to close all the way. I watched her disappear into the room where my daughter lay lifeless, as the door shut me out.
I gasped; my arms curling up until both of my hands rested at the base of my throat. I could feel my heartbeat under my hands and was acutely aware of my aching chest rising and falling. My breath left as quickly as I’d sucked it in, and my eyes blurred with tears.
Instantly, Kat and Jensen were by my side. Jensen’s dark eyes were concerned and my mind briefly registered that his face was bruised and bloody. Kat was already weeping, though I could tell she was trying hard not to.
My husband tried to enfold me into his strong embrace, but I didn’t want to be touched. It was if I’d crumble to dust if anyone touched me. My eyes searched the room for Chase, but he wasn’t there. Kat turned quickly ran through the lobby and out of the hospital doors to the ER parking lot.
I felt numb. There was a sort of incredible pain lurking, but in that second all I wanted was to be alone. I didn’t want Jensen holding me and I moved forward out of his embrace, holding up a hand to keep him from trying to keep the contact between us. I huffed out a breath, closing my eyes as my chin dropped and my head bowed. That damn heartbeat wouldn’t stop its annoying thud in my chest or inside my head.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
I walked toward the window through the room of people, oblivious to all of them. Everything seemed to be playing out in slow motion as I placed my hands on the sill and leaned my head on the cold glass. It was dark outside, with just a smattering of yellow lights glowing in the parking lot and from the buildings across the street. Vaguely, I registered the yellow, red and green of a changing traffic light. It was all a blur and I wasn’t sure if it was due to the tears in my eyes or the rain just beginning to bead on the other side of the window. Lightning struck in the distance; running brightly through the dark, billowing storm clouds all around.
Boom. Boom. Boom… my heart continued its unending torture.
The room was suddenly filled with a high visceral wail; like a wounded animal screaming at its predator just before it succumbed to the inevitable. I started to crumble as my mind started to wrap around the reality that my little girl could be dead. My heart was exploding, the beating finally getting the better of me, and I couldn’t breathe. I was shaking violently; my knees starting to buckle.
“Teagan—” Jensen rushed up to catch me, but I shook him off, sliding to the floor. I curled into a ball of misery, pulling my knees up and as violent sobs wracked my body.
“For God’s sake, what’s going on?” He crouched down beside me, reaching out his hand to touch my arm. I could do nothing but sob.
“Pardon me. Excuse me. Let me though!” Chase’s voice sounded frantic as he rushed to my side, followed closely by Kat. “Teagan!” In seconds he’d fallen to the floor beside me and was pulling my quaking body fully into his arms and onto his lap. “Jesus Christ! Teagan!”
I was crushed to him and soon, I was crying into his neck and chest, clutching at his clothes and skin. “Cha—Chase,” I cried. Chase sat with me, stroking my hair while I shook with the magnitude of my grief. “Oh, God, Chase! Remi wasn’t brea—eathing!”
His voice was thick when he spoke, and he sniffed. “For God’s sake, tell me what happened,” he begged.
“Her heart stuh—stopped,”
Chase’s breathing started coming in shallow pants. His arms tightened and I curled into him like a child as his grief ripped through him. “No!” he said brokenly, slamming one closed fist against the wall so hard I felt the impact ricochet through both of us.
“God wouldn’t be this cruel, Teagan. She’s gonna make it.” I felt his lips against my hair as we huddled together. I wasn’t sure if the hot tears running down the skin of his neck and chest were mine, or his. “Remi has to make it. I haven’t—uh, had time to be her dad, yet.”
A new torrent of tears unleashed at his words. “I’m suh—so, suh—sorry.” I was sure I was the one dying because every breath and shuddering gasp hurt.
Chase’s hand continued its soothing, even strokes down the back of my head, smoothing my hair down my back over and over. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about me right now. Remi is who is important and I know she’ll make it, sweetheart.”
I sensed Jensen getting to his feet and then looming over us. I realized that he had to be devastated, too. I pulled back slightly from Chase to look up into Jensen’s face. He was wiping his own tears; his expression was hurt and angry. I tried to scramble off of Chase’s lap to reach for Jensen but he took a step back; as if touching me would burn him. “No.,” he said, angrily. “I’m outta here. You don’t need me.” He turned to leave but Chase stopped him.
“Jensen!” Chase said loudly as he quickly, but gently, pushed me from his lap so he could stand. “Remi needs all of us. Don’t go.”
I sat there looking up at the two most important men to ever touch my life, watching Chase extend his hand to Jensen and wait for him to take it. Both of them looked beaten and it dawned on me that they must have fought. Another little piece of my heart broke. No matter what happened, I wanted them to be friends again.
“Come on. man.” He nodded at his hand. “We gotta get through this, for all our sakes. You were right about what you said out there.” He nodded toward the parking lot with his head. “It’s on me. I’m sorry, brother.”
Jensen looked at the hand Chase was offering and after a few short seconds took it. “I’m sorry, too. I should have told you.”
“Yeah, you should have, and maybe someday I can understand it, but now isn’t the time.”
Jensen’s left hand came up to grab Chase’s right shoulder. “You’re right.”
The ER doors opened and the nurse who had taken me out just moments earlier emerged. I scrambled to my feet. All four of us moved toward the nurse. I was scared to death about what she was about to say. Chase’s arm snaked around my waist and pulled me close to his side. I used my free hand to reach for Jensen’s. Kat used both of her hands to push her short hair back.
