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“Okay,” Alan answered. “Thanks.”
I sat on the couch, handing him the water, and making sure to sit on one end. I wanted distance between us. Alan wasn’t a touchy-feely sort of man, but I felt closed off from him. It wasn’t fair, and I knew it. I’d changed, not him.
We both opened the bottles, and I had a long drink. I felt parched, my throat as dry as a desert.
“Something has changed, Remi. What is it?”
Alan was very smart, and I owed it to him to be honest. “Just… it’s the first time in three years I was with my entire family. Everyone was there for Dylan’s last college game. It was so fun seeing everyone.”
“I knew that they’d all be there, but that doesn’t explain why you didn’t return my calls.”
“We just got busy. Dylan and I decided to go to Dollywood to catch up. We used to go there as kids.” I wasn’t sure if I was lying through my teeth in avoidance or to try and soften the blow.
Alan’s expression reflected that he understood. Really understood. “So, you blew me off for days because you were playing around with your stepbrother? It’s damned irresponsible, Remi, and it’s also inconsiderate!”
I felt sick inside. “Dylan is not my stepbrother! His mom is married to my stepdad and he’s my best friend. You knew that.” I knew my attempt at justification was weak. I sat my water bottle on the coffee table.
“Wow. That was adamant!” He looked at me knowingly. I was sure the guilt I felt shone on my face. “What I knew was that you barely spoke to him for three years. I didn’t really understand why you bothered driving all the way to Clemson for the game, but I thought it was for your stepdad.”
I put my head in my hands as I bent over my knees. “I went for everyone. But, yeah,” I glanced up at him. “I wanted to see his last game. You’re right. I was inconsiderate when I didn’t return your calls or texts.” I felt the sting of tears at the back of my eyes. “I just got immersed in catching up. As you said… it had been three years. We had a lot to talk about.”
“I’m sure you did.”
“We did!” I saw no need to tell him that things had gotten physical with Dylan. I didn’t know if it was to save him pain or save me humiliation. Either way, I didn’t want to elaborate. “We realized how much we miss each other. We talked about the future.”
“Really,” Alan said flatly, standing and walking away from me.
“Yes. About his soccer career, and med school. St. Jude’s…” my voice fell off and I was finding it harder and harder to speak past the lump in my throat. “I don’t want to hurt you, Alan. Believe me, I don’t.”
“But you’re dumping me because you spent three days over a weekend screwing your brother?”
Anger flared but I was also embarrassed. It made me sick that he kept saying that. “Screw you, Dylan is not my brother!” I didn’t contradict the part about dumping him.
“We haveyearsplanned out! I gave up a place at Yale medical school for you!” he spat. This was the most emotion that I’d ever seen Alan display, though he was still stoic by anyone else’s standards.
“You never said that…”
“Because I knew it would make you feel guilty that I was dumbing down my career for you!”
Wow. I paused. He was being a dick, but it was probably justified.
“I never asked you to change your plans for me! I thought you wanted to go to U of T for med school. I didn’t even know you’d applied anywhere else!”
“I wanted my life planned out, Remi! I wanted to be with someone who understands the commitment, the years and sacrifice necessary to become a surgeon. What about our plans?”
“Our plans included dating and med school. We never talked about anything else. I mean… we don’t even live in the same apartment, Alan. I guess… I mean… you never said you wanted more.”
“You should have known that I wanted you if I’d settle for less than I was capable of … for less than I deserve.”
I felt like he’d punched me in the gut. “So, you lowered your standards for me? Are you saying St. Jude is a compromise?”
He sobered, his demeanor settling. “No. I’m saying I made decisions based on a life I wanted with you.” Alan’s tone was calmer now as he sat back down on the couch and reached for both of my hands with his. “We can still have it all Remi. I have it all planned. We can get engaged after two years of med school, get married before residency is a more impressive place… and I’ll forgive you this indiscretion.”
I pulled my hands from his and stood back, frowning. “I want someone who talks to me. Who cares what I want, who considers whatIhave planned. You’ve constructed this blueprint for my life without even consulting me.” I suddenly realized that Dylan had never asked me to give up St. Jude’s or U of Tennessee in Memphis. He said he’d compromise and make our relationship work, and suddenly any guilt I felt from falling into his arms and following my heart vanished.
“I thought I was doing so now. I wanted to build a life with you.” His face fell. “I’m sorry… I thought you were as driven as me. I thought we both wanted the same things. I thought being a doctor was important to you.”
He knew it was important, but I wanted it at St. Jude’s. “It is, but it’s not everything. And what does that have to do with us?”
