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I really shouldn’t enjoy his company as much as I do. I can’t be with him. Sitting beside him and talking to him is just a gentle form of torture.
I nod. “Yeah.” A soft breeze ruffles the leaves in the new trees around us, bringing the scent of the summer night. It’s not quite chilly outside, but not quite warm. Rudy’s legs spread wide as he slouches down slightly on the bench, his arm stretching out across the back toward me. I can feel the heat of his leg next to mine, and it chases the night away.
“How did they take it?” His fingers stretch out, resting half an inch from my shoulder. I could lean into his touch with barely a movement right now.
But I don’t need a knight in shining armor.
And Rudy doesn’t want kids.
And no matter what he says, he won’t want to carry me on his shoulders for the remainder of my treatment.
“They were great. I should have done it weeks ago.” I give him a tight smile. “I’m not very good at asking for help, though.”
“I noticed,” he deadpans.
I snort, body softening toward him, then freeze. I can’t do this—I can’t fall into the comfortable, intimate conversation that’s so easy when Rudy’s around. So, I force myself to ask, “How was your date?”
Even though I’m not looking at him, I can feel Rudy’s eyes on me. “Lily,” he says quietly. “That was business.”
I nod. “Business. Right. I also have sunset champagne with my business associates. Just out of curiosity, is that the same woman you had a business lunch with before?” My eyes are trained on the tree directly across from me. It’s the one Dorothy and I planted together, and I’m pretty sure it’s a little crooked.
Rudy lets out a bitter snort. “So, what, now I can’t talk to anyone? I can’t do my job? You broke up with me, Lily. Actually, it wasn’t even a breakup, because you insisted on never having anything with me in the first place. Why are you mad at me right now?”
My heart pounds, but no words come. He’s right, of course. I pushed him away. I’ve done nothing but push him away when he made promise after promise to me. He said he’d take on my illness, that he wanted to be with me so badly he’d brave the cancer alongside me.
How the hell could I possibly believe that? The last time I trusted a man, it turned out he had a whole other family complete with wife and kids waiting for him at home. But a few weeks after that happens, I’m supposed to believe the perfect man truly exists? Please. I may have made my share of bad decisions in my life, but I’m not a complete idiot.
I turn my head to meet his gaze, and I see nothing but hard steel in his eyes. Ice pours down my spine, and I know this is the end of whatever existed between us. This is my chance. When he’s mad—buoyed by his anger—I can tell him about the baby and show him that he doesn’t really want me at all. I’ll put the final nail in the coffin of our romance. I’m having a baby, and that’s exactly the thing that will push him away. He’ll walk away from me, and we’ll both be better off.
“Rudy, I’m—”
“I’m not doing this.” He stands up. His fingers just avoid brushing my shoulder as he moves. “I saw you here and I thought we could talk, understand each other, but you’re convinced you’d rather be alone. This isn’t worth it.”
His back is a broad shadow as he stalks away from me, pausing at the entrance to the garden. Glancing over his shoulder, Rudy’s features look carved from marble in the moonlight. His hair is so pale it looks like spun silver, but his eyes are black as night.
“For the record,” he growls, “nothing happened with Georgia. I handed her the keys to her new home, had half a glass of champagne, and I left.” His eyes are hard when he lifts them to meet mine, and I see nothing of the Rudy I know in his gaze. “I left because I was thinking of you. I see now that was a mistake.”
Mute, I sit there until he’s out of sight. I sit until the air raises goosebumps over my skin, and the chill of the night settles into my bones. I sit until I have the strength to drag myself up to my feet again, knowing something changed forever tonight.
It was inevitable, really, but it still sends pain spearing through my chest. I did this. I pushed him away, I withheld the truth and dragged our relationship on much longer than I should have. Any pain I feel is my own fault.
My legs feel like lead as I heave myself from the garden to my apartment building. Body numb, I fumble with my purse and manage to get the key fob pressed up against the sensor to unlock the building door. By the time I make it up to my apartment, I’m barely able to stand on my own. My body feels like it’s breaking down.
One look at the pillow-covered bed is enough to turn my stomach. That’s where Rudy and I made love. It’s where I had one last night where I felt like a woman. For those few hours, I was more than my pregnancy, more than my illness.
That’s over now too. The next few months—years, even—will most likely strip away all the things I thought I knew about myself
I sleep on the couch that night. The bed reminds me too much of Rudy.
CHAPTER 29
Candice
My new yoga studio is big enough for about ten people. The back wall is lined with mirrors and a small dais where my own yoga mat is laid out. I light a few candles and put on my favorite yoga playlist, then let out a long breath.
Someone clears their throat behind me. I turn to see Blake leaning against the wall next to the door, a small smile playing over his lips. “Happy with how the studio turned out?”
“Blake,” I answer, crossing the hardwood floors toward him. He wraps his strong arms around my body and pulls me tight to him. “Thank you.”
