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“I was in the car with him. He was driving me home from ballet practice. I never went again. Things changed a lot after he died. My ma . . . she worked several jobs just to keep us fed, so Aidan kind of took over a parenting role for Cash and me. But mainly . . . all the joy went out of our house. You know? He had this big, booming laugh, my dad. I can remember that so vividly. I can’t see his face . . . I can’t remember what he smells like . . . but I can hear his laugh.”
“I’m so sorry, baby. How old were you?”
“Just four. I don’t know if the memories are real or things I made up. Aidan thinks my brain created memories for me. But I just . . . I know that there was snow. We skidded off the road, and I remember waking up and being so cold. The snow was falling all around me while I kept calling out for him and for Ma, for my brothers. And no one came. I tried to move, but I couldn’t get up. Someone driving past saw our car and rushed down to save me. I was fine . . . but my dad didn’t make it.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry.”
She buried her face in his chest. “It was a long time ago, but it still hurts. I just . . . I miss him so much. Even if I can’t really remember what he looks like. I just want him back.”
“I know you do. I know that.” He hugged her tight, rocking her. “I lost my parents when I was in medical school.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. They were older. My mom, she’d always been fragile healthwise. She died of cancer. And you know how they say someone can die of a broken heart?”
She nodded.
“Well, that seemed to be what happened to him. He grew depressed, wasn’t taking care of himself. He got pneumonia and by the time I discovered he was sick, there was little that could be done with him.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you. My aunt, who I was visiting in Minneapolis, she was there for me, helping me through it all.”
“And now she’s ill. Oh, Hack.”
“I’m going to think positive and believe that she’ll get better. So I understand your pain, baby girl. But it wasn’t your fault, what happened to your dad.”
“I know,” she whispered. “But I’m left with these nightmares . . . with these fears. I lost my dad in a snowstorm, and now, I can’t stand the feeling of snow on my skin. I can’t go out in a snowstorm.”
“That’s understandable. You associate snow on your skin with your dad dying.”
“Right. Then what happened to me later, with Matthew . . .”
He tried not to tense up at her words.
“He . . . he raped me, and I haven’t . . . I haven’t been able to have sex since. Because now when I think about having sex with someone . . . all I see is him. All I remember is him touching me.”
Fuck. Fuck.
He held her tight as she shook in his arms.
“Have you tried to have sex since?”
“No,” she whispered.
“Do you want sex? Do you get aroused?”
She tried to pull away from him, but he wasn’t about to let her go too far or get out of answering his questions.
“I can’t answer that!”
“Why not?”
“B-because . . . it’s embarrassing.”
“Baby girl. If we’re going to enter into the sort of relationship that I think we both want and need, then you’ll need to get used to telling me all sorts of embarrassing stuff.”
“Oh, and you’ll do the same? You’re going to tell me your embarrassing stuff?”
