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I missed him. Missedthis. Missed being taken care of and looked out for.
He makes a low noise into our kiss, his mouth moving against mine, and I clutch at his shoulders, needing something to hold on to as my head starts to spin. The kiss heats up, his hands roaming over me, slipping over my curves and the scars on my torso, slick with water and the remnants of body wash.
I wait for the familiar heat to pool in my belly, for the fire that usually comes with kissing any of these three brothers… but it’s not there. Instead, there’s a rising tide of bile, and rushing feeling of panic.
Something in me rebels against this, and that hazy veil that I couldn’t shake before is back, making it hard to think or feel. I start shaking, and I pull back a little, feeling like I might throw up.
Ransom notices immediately. His shoulders stiffen, and he pulls away completely, looking down at me with a worried expression.
“Are you okay?” he asks, a droplet of water clinging to the piercing in his eyebrow as his brows furrow.
I swallow hard, trying to breathe through the roiling in my stomach. “Yeah. I—I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry.”
I frown, glaring down at the shower floor, because whatiswrong with me? This is what I wanted. Ransom, Malice, and Vic. I wanted them even when I shouldn’t have, when they pissed me off or scared me more than anything, so why is it that now I suddenly can’t do this? Now, when all I wanted was to be back with them? Now, when I’m finally safe?
“Hey.” Ransom’s voice is soft. He reaches out like he’s going to touch me, but then seems to think better of it. “It’s okay. Let’s get you dried off and dressed, alright?”
I nod, but I still feel… wrong. Off balance and out of sorts, like I’m living in a body that isn’t mine. And angry that the feelings Iwantto be experiencing have been replaced by awful ones instead. Instead of feeling hungry for his touch, I feel almost claustrophobic, making me want to crawl out of my own skin.
Since I’m as clean as I’m going to get for now, I let him help me out of the shower. He grabs a towel and hands it to me, and I grit my teeth as I take it and dry myself off. I know he’d rather do it for me, another way to take care of me and be close to me—but he clearly doesn’t want to upset me again, and I hate that.
“You’ve been through a lot, angel,” he murmurs, as if he can read my thoughts. “More than we even know, probably. You don’t have to be alright on your first night back. Or even the second. It’s gonna be okay.”
He says it like he means it, and I know he must. None of the brothers would ever hold my pain or trauma against me, not when they’re so familiar with trauma themselves. But I still feel crushed.
“What if… what if I never get better?” I mutter, the words spilling out of me before I can stop them. “What if I’m just…brokennow?”
“You’re not,” he says firmly. “Listen to me, pretty girl. You’ve been through something horrible. Something no person should ever have to experience. And you made it through that, which is a testament to how fucking strong you are. How powerful and unbreakable. But no one could blame you for needing time to heal from that. And just because you’re strong, that doesn’t mean you have to be completely alright. Not right now, and not ever. It’s okay to not be okay.”
I nod mutely, putting on the dry clothes he offers me.
He grabbed me a pair of boxers, some oversized sweats, and a t-shirt, and they all smell like him. Just like with Malice’s jacket, it’s a comforting reminder that I’ve got my men back. That they’re all here with me.
When we step back into the main room, Malice, true to his word, is back from his food run. He and Vic both turn to look at me, and I can see the concern in their eyes.
“I grabbed some sandwiches,” Malice says. “Can you eat?”
“I’m just really tired,” I tell him, wrapping my arms around myself even though I’m no longer chilled. “I’ll have something in the morning.”
He looks like he wants to argue, but instead, he just nods.
I go to the bed farthest from the door and curl up on it, putting my back to the guys. I can hear Ransom murmuring to them in a low voice, probably telling them what happened in the bathroom.
Tears leak from my eyes, spilling down my cheeks and soaking into the scratchy material of the pillowcase. No matter what Ransom says, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Like even though I survived my time with Troy, he took something from me that I might never get back.
My gut churns with worry and disquiet.
I wish I could fall asleep sandwiched between all of my men like I did the night before I was taken. I hate that even though they saved me and we’re back together again, they somehow still feel too far away.
Maybe Ransom is wrong. Maybe I really am broken.
My thoughts keep tumbling over and over, but after a while, I finally fall asleep, my body and mind too exhausted to cling to consciousness any longer.
10
WILLOW
I’min the middle of a nightmare when someone wakes me up. I don’t even know what I was dreaming about, but I feel my heart racing and there’s that spike of adrenaline pumping through me. Distantly, I can tell someone is saying my name, and I realize there are hands on me. I’m half awake, half still in the dream, and the hands feel threatening. They’re holding me down, trying to keep me pinned, and my heart rate jacks up even more with the fear of it.
