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I found her in the kitchen, peeling carrots for the cook. Her head was lowered, her hands steady on the task, that furrow between her brows more from concentration than the anger she’d spewed at me only a few minutes ago. Maybe I was overreacting?
“Kira,” I said, over the sound of the fragrant soup bubbling on the stove top.
Her head slowly turned to me, then to the cook, who knew well enough to stay out of marital squabbles. As far as my staff was concerned, we were a totally normal couple, or at least I liked to believe that.
“Come speak with me, please.”
She sighed but dragged herself off the barstool and followed me out to the garden, one of her favorite spots, and not just for chats. Based on the glum look on her face, I didn’t expect any impromptu sex out here tonight, but I’d settle for a smile.
She sat down on the wrought iron bench nestled between two overflowing jasmine bushes and I slid under the boughs beside her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, staring straight ahead.
“What?” I heard her all right, but her apology was unexpected.
“I was a brat and I’m sorry,” she sighed.
“Well, I’m sorry, too.” I still wasn’t sure what for, but was happy to go along with things. “I feel like an idiot because I thought we were getting along.”
She turned to me, her eyes infinitely sad. “I know. I’m trying to make the most of things, I really am. I know what happens to people who rock the boat and get out of line.”
And just like that I was pissed again, but at myself. Had I made her feel like she needed to walk a tightrope to keep me from exploding on her? “I’m not like your father,” I said. “I do what I have to do to keep you out of danger. I know you didn’t want this life, and I’m trying my best to shield you from it.”
“That’s just too bad for both of us then, isn’t it?” she said with a short laugh. “Because I’m in it and there’s no getting out of it. Is there?”
Her desperation cut me to the bone. I didn’t dare reach for her hand. “I hate this,” I told her, watching her wince. That was the wrong thing to say. “Not us,” I clarified. “The fact we’re always walking on eggshells. The fact we’re always an inch from a fight.”
She turned her whole body to face me, clasping her hands in her lap. “A couple weeks ago you asked if I wanted to live like strangers.”
I nodded. “And you said you didn’t.”
“That’s exactly what happened though. Sure, we get along fine at bedtime.” She paused, her cheeks gaining color. She was right about that. We had no troubles at all once the lights were out and we were under the covers together. It was wild, passionate… and a little lonely all the same. She saw the recognition in my eyes. “Other than that, we’re still strangers.”
I dropped my head into my hands and rubbed my eyes. I’d been staring at numbers all day, but this was truly an equation I couldn’t figure out. “What do you want from me?” I entreated her. “What more can I do?”
“Stop trying to protect me from whatever’s going on,” she huffed. “Talk to me about more than just the weather or what’s on TV.” She paused, searching my face for any sign I understood her. “You won’t even take me to Sunday dinners at Ivan’s. Theresa’s always raving about them, but it’s like I’m not even part of the family.”
“I didn’t know you wanted to go,” I said. I didn’t know she wanted to be a part of my family.
She threw up her hands. “Am I welcome there? Are you hiding me because you’re still trying to figure out a way out of this? Whatever this is? It’s not a marriage,” she said with disdain.
“God, no,” I told her. “That’s not it at all. I never planned on being a husband, Kira, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m clearly screwing it all up.”
Her head dropped to her chest and I pulled her into my arms. “I guess I’m not helping. I know you mean well.”
“Do you really?” I asked. She nodded against my chest, tilting her chin to peek up at me. I still had more work to do, but she was more important at the moment. “Would some time out of the house help? I promised we could go to the beach, or maybe a gallery?”
“I’d love that,” she breathed. “Anywhere would be great.”
She practically vibrated with excitement and I felt awful for keeping her cooped up here like the prisoner she said she was. I wasn’t ready to tell her everything that was going on with her father and my brothers, or the mess up in Boston. I didn’t want her to be fearful that she might be a target. Protecting her really was my main goal, but her deep unhappiness didn’t give me confidence that she wouldn’t disappear if I gave her the absolute freedom she craved.
I hated that she was a pawn, and without her, we’d lose what little control we had over her hotheaded father. He was already turning out to be more trouble than he was worth and giving Ivan major headaches with his demands. I was a pawn too, and should have been as angry as she was, but right then, I only wanted to show her a nice evening out. See a smile on her face that wasn’t forced. Stop this feeling like I was some kind of monster who only lived to torture her, as if I was anything like her father.
“Go get ready,” I said, pulling her up off the bench and gently nudging her back toward the house. “I’ll just finish up a few things and we can go wherever you want.”
And there was the simple reward I was after, her glowing look of happiness as she skipped into the house. That was all I wanted, wasn’t it? And only out of a sense of responsibility, right? It was a little worrisome that it made me happy, too, as if we really might have a future together.
Chapter 12 - Kira
