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I had pushed that guilt out of my mind quickly enough. As far as I was concerned, Jimmy was mine and mine alone.
However, there were still the nights I thought back to my night with him and how he had made me feel. I still felt a pull toward the mysterious man who had shared my bed once and had made me feel like a real woman.
Albin. Where were you now?
That night left its scars, though, the most important of which was ever trusting myself sexually with a man again. And I could see it was bothering Horace just a little. He did make his approaches, although subtle. He did leave hints here and there. But I always kept those at arm’s length. I had no idea if I would ever be ready to open myself up to a man in that way again.
Three weeks into dating, and I finally introduced him to Anne and Jimmy. While Horace and I had been taking things slow, I knew I was keeping him at a distance for a reason. Each time I tried to let my guard down around him, something told me not to. Introducing him to Anne and Jimmy was the only thing I could think of to make things better. I had, after all, told him about my beautiful boy a few days earlier, and unlike popular belief, he didn’t immediately disappear and ghost me. On the contrary, he had been more than willing to meet Jimmy, and the first time I invited him to the apartment, I felt like they would really get along.
Horace loved my son.
I couldn’t say the same about Jimmy, though.
“He’s mean,” Jimmy said one night at dinner.
“We don’t call people mean for no reason, honey,” I replied. I looked over at Anne, but she kept her attention on her spaghetti and avoided eye contact. I frowned. She usually had my back with things like this.
“But I have reasons,” Jimmy said. “My reason is he’s mean.”
“Why is he mean?” I asked, my mind telling me that it was useless trying to reason with a five-year-old. “What did he do?”
Jimmy shrugged. “I just don’t like him. He smells funny. And he smiles like the cheshewire cat.”
“Cheshire Cat,” I corrected.
“That’s what I said,” Jimmy replied.
“OK, how about we give him another chance and then see how you feel.”
“No!” Jimmy slammed his fork on the table and pushed his plate away angrily.
“Jimmy!”
“Hey, buddy, come on,” Anne got up and took him by the hand. “That was not nice. How about five minutes in your mom where you can think about what you just did?”
I sighed and ran a hand across my face. Sometimes Jimmy’s tantrums drove me insane, but I had thought at five, those would be over and done with. His attitude towards Horace worried me. Sighing, I cleared the dining table and began washing dishes when Anne came back to help me.
“I could have used your help back there,” I said, my tone a little too bitter.
She let it slide. “You can’t tell a child how to feel, Mar. You know that more than I do.”
“I just don’t get his outburst.”
“Honestly, the kid’s instincts aren’t bad,” Anne replied.
I turned to her. “What? You too?”
Anne held both hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, I’m thrilled you’re getting back out there, I really am. But I have the same feeling Jimmy does. I do not like the guy. Like not even a little.”
I threw my hands up and let out a long exhale. “Go ahead, list his faults for me.”
“I’m not telling you to break up with him, Mar; stop that,” Anne said, squeezing my arm. “I’m just telling you to watch out, that’s all. I have a bad feeling about this guy.”
“Fine, warning noted,” I said angrily and went to my room.
In minutes I was dressed and messaging Horace to meet me downstairs. When I walked back out, I glanced over at Anne and blew out a breath. Then I hurried outside, taking the stairs two at a time.
I wanted Anne to like Horace.
