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I inhale, looking up at the fucking ceiling in annoyance.
How the fuck did I get here? Worrying about anyone but myself wasn’t something I was ever supposed to burden myself with again.
I know I can’t stop it. Fuck if I hadn’t been fighting against it for going on a fucking year.
I drop my ass to the couch, letting the idea of her being mine settle deep inside of me. It doesn’t come with the sense of betrayal I always thought it would. The guilt over it being someone other than Maya doesn’t hit me like a semi-truck.
I swallow, wondering how much time I’ve wasted, but the idea that she might be in trouble gets me back off the couch.
Ayla wasn’t far from Nash’s side this last job, so that means Alani was left alone. Cortez is done, the head of that organization meeting his brutal end at Fox’s hand. The images sent to everyone were especially gruesome, but I know it was exactly what everyone needed to start healing from the pain the man and his business inflicted. Fox didn’t send any information about the daughter who was still inside with him when I left the house that night, but he did let Angel know he was no longer available for jobs. Maybe the man finally found his peace when he killed the man who killed his family.
I pop up from the couch, pulling my phone out. I shoot off a text to Nash.
Me: Where is she?
When the three dots don’t pop up, telling me he’s texting me back, I press the button to call him.
“If you gave me a fucking minute to text back,” he says in lieu of a hello.
“Where is she?”
“Ayla is right—”
“I’m not talking about your woman,” I growl.
“You’re talking about yours?”
My cheek twitches at the challenge in his voice. It says more than words, and I know what he’s after.
“Yes,” I answer, the three letters answering every question he could have.
“Donavan,” he groans, and I imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose.
“There’s not a fucking thing you can say to stop it,” I warn before he opens his mouth and pisses me off.
“She went back to school.”
Except maybe that.
I drop back down on the couch. She’d already calmed down after having to drop out last semester. She spent her time working, saving money rather than partying and looking for trouble.
Maybe what happened outside of her work and inside this very house changed her. Maybe she was waiting for the right moment to get away from my brand of darkness. Maybe she had time to think about what she’d done, and that life isn’t something she wants.
“She needs a normal life,” Nash says. “She doesn’t need to be tangled up in the middle of our shit.”
Silence fills the line because I don’t know how to respond to that. He’s right. I know he is, but maybe he didn’t see the darkness that lurks inside of her the way I did. Maybe he read that knife in her hand as she cut into that man differently than I did.
“Ayla didn’t want this world to touch her,” he continues when I don’t speak. “Is it possible for you to walk away?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.
“She’s safer if you did.”
“I know,” I say and end the fucking phone call.
I’ve gotten the air knocked out of me twice and I haven’t even been in the house fifteen minutes.
Can I walk away from her?
Can I convince myself that what’s best for her isn’t what’s best for me, and that’s just something I need to deal with?
Can I walk away from her without seeing her one last time?
I may not be able to answer those first two questions, but I know without a doubt the answer to the last one.
It’s nearly impossible to quit anything when you didn’t know that last time was the last time.
It’s what leaves such a mark behind when someone dies so quickly or without warning. Not knowing always leaves you filled with regrets and a million unanswered questions.
I take a long moment to breathe. I’m not a man prone to making hasty decisions, and this is one I need to think through. My choices would no longer affect just me, and I feel too much for Alani to make swift decisions that could ruin her life, even if walking away would ruin mine.
Chapter 37
Alani
I tried so damn hard to do better. After that first party a couple of days ago, I went home instead of getting drunk and looking for trouble.
After three more days of classes, that need to seek adventure was inside my veins like poison, eating away at my resolve.
It’s what led me back to another frat party. But as the need to feel something more than boredom swarms inside of me, I still haven’t grabbed a drink from the kitchen.
