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I’ve never felt so awkward with a man as I do now. But it’s not over yet—his punishing words continue as he slays me with kindness.
‘You are by far the best nanny we’ve had, and I want to do all I can to make sure you are happy here and will stay as long as we can possibly have you.’ He smiles at me as if he’s just awarded me a prize. He has no awareness of the fact that his polite words are like sharp blades twisting in my gut, confirming that he has no feelings for me beyond fancying me momentarily.
He’s obviously trying to put the situation right to make sure I won’t leave, for Daisy’s sake. At least he’s not firing me, I console myself.
But I’m not consoled. My heart has shrivelled into a blackened raisin, and I feel dead. Briefly, I consider resigning. I could make up an excuse about having to return to Paris earlier than expected. I could say there’s been a family emergency, or my sister needs me. There’s not much point saying a family emergency as he knows I don’t have a family. My sister and I only have each other. A sister emergency, then.
The thoughts flash into my head but my heart refuses to follow through on the idea, and my lips won’t form the words. The idea of leaving him and Daisy fills me with dread. I can’t bear it, and the more I realise how deeply I’ve fallen in love with him, the worse I feel.
And then just as I think it can’t possibly hurt any more, and I’m experiencing a crescendo of pain, he says,‘I’ve been thinking about us a lot.’
What?
My heart is bashing so hard I fear I might actually faint. It would be a welcome relief from his relentless blue eyes boring into mine.
He continues. He appears confident and smooth and not at all awkward like me. ‘Despite coming from such different backgrounds—and countries—’ He smiles his charming smile again, the one that makes me lose myself in his eyes, and then with a final flourish of his sword, he thrusts his blade into my heart and lands the lethal blow. ‘I’d appreciate it if we can forget that little faux-pax—which was wholly my fault—and just be good friends.’ He studies my face, waiting for my answer. There’s a pause and then he adds, ‘Daisy needs you, and you and I get on so well, it’s a perfect arrangement.’
I can’t bring myself to speak. I don’t know what I want but I know it’s not this. I don’t want to be good friends with him. It will be like bittersweet torture, and I will only fall harder for him if that’s even possible.
But what am I supposed to do? I can’t tell him the truth—that I want him more than life itself and I’ve been in love with him since the second we met. And I don’t want to resign because I can’t bear the thought of never seeing him again which is undoubtedly what will happen if I return to Paris.
My throat is dry, but I force down the lump stopping me from swallowing.
His eyes are still on me, and they are hopeful. One of the things I love about him is he sees the good in every situation. But how can this be good? It is like a death sentence to our budding romance. Doesn’t he feel the bond between us and sense there is more to us than him being my boss and us being good friends?
The tears are building behind my eyes, and I have to get out of there. He’s waiting for a response, but I am frozen like an ice statue.
‘Nathalie,’ he says. ‘Are you okay?’
I force myself to speak and barely recognise my croaking voice. ‘Yes, I’m fine. Thank you for being straight with me. It’s good to know where I stand.’
Now the tears are spilling into my eyes, and I must get away, so I untangle my clasped hands and bounce out of the chair. ‘I’m late for an appointment. I have to go now.’
And just like that, I flee his office. And I flee him. I grab my keys and rush out the front door and throw myself into my car. The engine revs and I blast out of the driveway and don’t look back.
The tears roll down my face and I’m shaking as I grip the steering wheel.
I feel like I’m in hell and it has just iced over.
CHAPTER15
Sebastian
Well, that didn’t go as I envisioned. I thought Nathalie might be hesitant about my ‘just friends’ proposition, but I didn’t expect her to run out of my office in floods of tears.
I think back to my ex-wife telling me I’m a natural with women, but sometimes I don’t know when to be quiet. Looks like she was right. Instead of healing the rift between Nathalie and me, I seem to have turned it into a chasm.
That was not my intention, and I had no hidden agenda. All I tried to do was smooth things over between us so we can go back to an uncomplicated home life. I love having her around, so the friend suggestion seemed like the perfect solution.
I’m not a complete idiot. My feelings for her are way stronger than just friends, but my attraction to her is dangerous, so I must nip it in the bud. I lost control once and if it wasn’t for Daisy’s bad dream, we would have gone all the way. It would be even harder to come back from that. As it was, I had a sweet taste of her and she’s in my veins, but I know I can’t have her, and it has to stop.
So, right or wrong, I made the decision for both of us, and was hoping she would see the sense in it, and not react like that.
I fear she is going to get badly hurt if we carry on fooling around, because it can’t ever be any more than that. I daren’t examine too closely to what extent I may get hurt if we sleep together, but I know I’ve fallen hard.
The connection between us is profound, and it terrifies me. But the reality is I’m not free to marry whoever I want. The last thing I want is for her to get hurt and to end up hating me. She’s too precious for that, and I would rather sacrifice the possibilities of a love affair with her and cherish our friendship. But it doesn’t stop me craving her…
Daisy adores her, and it would be irresponsible of me to let things go any further. I kick myself for making a move on her in the kitchen and fucking everything up.
