AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I hate the idea that I’ve allowed my lust and selfishness to blur the lines on my commitment to myself about Daisy.
But then Nathalie’s face floats into my mind, and all logic disappears when I think of her. Nathalie, the poor little girl who had only her younger sister for company. The girl who lost both her parents when she was so young and had no one to turn to when she was thrown into the foster system. No wonder she cares so deeply about the kids at the centre.
My eyes grow misty and the idea of her fending for herself and her sister breaks me.
Perhaps things aren’t so bad after all. Daisy is incredibly well adjusted—Nathalie said so—and she’s so used to not having her mother around that honestly, I don’t think she misses her. From what I hear from Daisy, her mother treats her like a toy to show off to her friends on the rare occasion she takes her anywhere. And Maddy has been away so much lately, Daisy has barely seen her since Nathalie arrived. I’m not even sure, Maddy realises we have a new nanny with whom Daisy has bonded so closely. I know I told her, as I make a point of updating her on anything significant in Daisy’s life, but I’m uncertain she registered it. Either way, she didn’t comment in any meaningful way beyond her usual one-word replies.
If I let it get to me, her careless attitude toward Daisy’s happiness makes me angry. So, I don’t let it get to me. The divorce taught me to manage my emotions carefully, and until Nathalie shook my world, I was a tightly controlled machine where my heart was concerned.
More recently, I’ve discovered that trying to control and manage my emotions is an exhausting endeavour, and I’m failing miserably. I only need to see Nathalie’s face or hear her voice and all the feelings roar to the surface, and I want to save her from experiencing pain. I realise this is a highly inconvenient way to feel about Daisy’s nanny. And the irony is that I am the one who is causing her pain. She was fine until she came into my life, and I fell for her.
What the hell am I going to do?
I shouldn’t have bought her such an expensive gift.
Why didn’t I buy her chocolates or something useful she might want from her country of birth?
Because you dick, you wanted to wow her. You let your own emotions and your ego take over, instead of thinking about what was best for her.
Sighing, I confront the rotten truth that I’ve made the situation even worse. She saw the article about me and Lizzy, and goodness knows how many more she’s seen since.
I almost grabbed her some French celebrity magazines as I thought she’d enjoy reading the gossip from home, but then I saw my name on the front cover of one of them. That would be vicious and make her think I had no regard for her feelings at all.
Damian messaged me again to say we’re now all over the media and the press is great. There is lots of supposition about when we’re to tie the knot and what a powerful alliance we’ll make by joining the Rochesters and Archers.
Grandfather called to congratulate me and said that for once he’s happy with the press, and Lizzy and I did a fantastic job. He asked me to bring Lizzy to visit as soon as it’s convenient.
I’m dreading it. It’s one thing letting the media think you’re an item, but it’s quite another to pull off a fake dating charade in front of your family. In fact, I doubt my ability to do it. My mind is so full of Nathalie, I didn’t even pay enough attention to Lizzy when we were in Cannes to get to know her. I don’t feel bad about that because she was equally distracted. It’s not like she wants me any more than I want her. We’re more like brother and sister, and the minute we could both disappear back to our own suites, we did. We make a good team, but I don’t know how long we can do this. She said her boyfriend is handling it badly, no matter how much she assures him there’s nothing between us.
And Nathalie? Well, I think it’s clear she’s not handling it well, and neither am I.
I woke up with a painful hard-on this morning and nothing I did would banish it. I’m insatiable with wanting her. The night together only made it worse and now we’ve not been alone since before the Cannes trip. I’m aching for her.
When I clasped the necklace on her slender neck and touched her arm, I had to physically pull myself back from swooping her into my arms and kissing her pink lips. Her scent tortures me and every bit of me yearns to be with her again. The sex was so hot, and as the memory of it grows more distant, it gets hotter and hotter. The more I know I can’t have her—I shouldn’t have her—the more I want her.
What makes it worse is I think I could have her. Unless I imagined the love reflected in her eyes when I put the necklace on her and looked at her in the mirror, she wants me just as much as I want her.
Part of me, the selfish, desperately horny part, wants to pick up where we left off with the friends with benefits arrangement. I want to fuck her till next Tuesday. My gut tells me she would go for it because she desires me too. But my conscience tells me that would be wrong, even if it feels so right when we’re together.
If I take advantage of her feelings for me, and let our sexual relationship continue, even though I know I can’t give her the legitimate and honest commitment she deserves, I will destroy her.
And I will destroy myself. The more I have her, the more I pine for her. This yearning for her at every hour of the day and night is too painful. If she wasn’t so brilliant with Daisy, it might be for the best to find a different nanny and recommend her to one of my associates. But the thought of Nathalie gliding around someone else’s house with someone else’s children fills me with dread. The jealousy I feel isn’t something I’m proud of, but I acknowledge it. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this jealous, and it’s not a trait I’ve encountered much before. I had the occasional jealous moment when I was younger, but even when Maddy left me for the footballer, I wasn’t jealous. I felt disillusioned, and my primary emotion was disappointment that my family had crumbled, and I wouldn’t be able to give Daisy the same epic kind of childhood I had. Even if I make it brilliant for her, she won’t have a sibling from the same parents and that still makes me sad. And based on how I felt when the marriage ended, I doubted she’d have a sibling at all.
But Nathalie has changed me. She’s pierced the hard shell that I encased myself in to protect me from feeling. Now I’m vulnerable and frightened of these feelings that I can’t contain or control, no matter what I do.
The ordered life I fought so hard to create has shattered into chaotic shards and I’m spinning in a helpless cycle of yearning.
Somehow, I go through the motions and get through the day. By the time I get into bed, I’m exhausted and fall mercifully into a deep, dreamless sleep.
The birds are tweeting like a dawn chorus as I emerge from my heavy slumber. The second I open my eyes, clarity follows. I know what I must do, even though I hate the thought of it.
It’s the only way to protect Nathalie from more heartache.
CHAPTER33
Nathalie
The atmosphere is charged whenever we’re near each other, and I’m wondering how or even if we can go on like this.
