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During the drive, when I’m answering another one of her questions, I tell her that Lizzy Archer is in love with someone else. I bite my tongue and just in time, I stop myself from adding ‘too’.She’s in love with someone else, too, would be the accurate version of events, and I almost let it slip, which would be an absolute disaster. I can’t have her knowing I’m madly in love and have lost my mind over her, for fuck’s sake.
What am I doing?
My heart beats much faster than it should all the way to the park, and I’m relieved when the gates are standing open. I can’t bear taking her home just yet. I can’t have her in the way I want her, but I need to be close to her just for a little while. I’m like a beggar, desperate for any morsels she might throw me, which is stupid because I see in her eyes that she wants me too.
I don’t plan on having sex with her again. Another encounter, like the ones we had, will only rip me apart, which is why I’ve been working so hard to avoid her. Today, is just a little slip. I’m allowing myself to indulge in a brief glimpse of heaven by spending a few minutes alone with her away from the house, where no one can interrupt us. And I breathe easier, just knowing she’s sitting next to me in the car. I don’t let myself think about what could happen if I make a move on her, but my senses race as I turn off into a narrow lane and stop the car beneath a huge, ancient oak tree. This is my favourite place in the park, and I’ve sat here alone many times. We’re hidden from prying eyes, not that anyone’s around at this hour and the park buzzes with nature bedding down for the night.
My intentions are honourable, and I didn’t bring her here for sex. But the pity in her eyes claws at me and tips me off the precarious balance I have. She says something about me not having free will if I can’t marry who I want, and I can see she feels sorry for me.
How the fuck did that happen? I’m an heir to the mighty Rochester dynasty. She’s a nanny with barely anything to her name. I don’t think she even owns her own place.
And she pities me…
The realisation that she’s right hits me. Despite all the money in the world, I don’t have true freedom, and her words wound me even though I know she doesn’t mean them in a hateful way. She genuinely feels sorry for me, which is even worse, and I can’t stand it. The trapped feeling is suffocating and makes me want to break out of my familial chains and do something wild. My grandfather’s face looms in my mind and it’s all a haze as my thoughts toss and spin and I try to think how to free myself from this prison. I promised Lizzy we would keep the fake dating farce going until we both figure out what to do, but the thought of it exhausts me.
All I want is Nathalie. An image of the magical life we could have together with Daisy springs into my head.
Nat’s right. Why can’t I be with who I want?
What would it be like to surrender to this all-consuming desire I feel for her and disregard my Rochester duties? What’s the worst that could happen?
I pull my thoughts back to the car when she abruptly ceases her questions and makes a statement that haunts my soul. She says I don’t want her, and the pain in her voice breaks me.
I can’t let her think that when every cell in my body burns to be close to her. So, when I see the longing in her eyes, before I can hold myself back, my lips merge with hers and we kiss feverishly for the first time in weeks. But it feels like a lifetime.
All my resolve melts away when I taste her, and my hands have a life of their own.
I surrender to the flame that is us.
CHAPTER36
Nathalie
I tell myself I should be angry about how he behaved with Richard—acting like my jealous boyfriend, when we’re not even together—but I’m not angry. Seeing him being all masterful and protecting me was thrilling and so unexpected. It was a primal call to my femininity, and I felt it deep in my bones.
He wants me just as much as I want him. He’s not allowing himself to have me in the respectable marrying kind of way, but he wants me even if he doesn’t want to want me. There was no mistaking the fury in his eyes when Richard touched me.
He’s been avoiding me since Cannes, not because he doesn’t want me, but because hedoes. And the revelation about him and Lizzy pretending to date was exactly what I needed to hear to forgive him for all the hurt I’ve felt since I saw that article. It all makes sense now and relief floods through me again.
He doesn’t like it when I ply him with questions, but he answers them patiently, one by one, and my heart twists as I watch him grapple with his emotions. The second he takes a different route and doesn’t drive straight home; I know tonight is going to be one of our nights. He takes me to his favourite place.
When his lips touch mine, I don’t hold back. I’ve been having intense erotic dreams about being with him again and I’m wet and ready for him and just want him to take me. The passion crashes over me like violent waves as our tongues meet and he groans loudly. He tries to pull me onto his lap, but the car is too compact, so he opens the door and helps me out with his outstretched hand. I’m wearing stiletto sandals and the evening breeze catches the gauzy material of my dress and it billows behind me as I find my footing and look at him.
I glance around nervously, but we’re sheltered by the sweeping branches of the giant tree, and the track is dusky and deserted.
‘Don’t worry,’ he soothes in his deep hypnotic voice that calls to me in my dreams. ‘No one’s around—they’ll be closing soon—besides, no one can see us in this secluded spot.’
My heart’s dancing as he pulls me towards him and we kiss again, and this time I feel his hard desire pushing into me. ‘Umm,’ I say, and push back against him and he stiffens even more, and we move as one.
He reaches for my dress and lifts it up my thighs and in an instant his hand caresses my most sensitive place, and his fingers slot into my wetness and I moan.
‘I’ve missed you,’ I purr.
‘You mean, you’ve missed this,’ he says, in his gravelly voice. The one he uses when he’s red hot and I know he’s about to fuck me.
His fingers slide in and out of me, as I stand semi-naked in a royal park with the breeze rolling over my skin and Sebastian playing me with the skilled precision of a virtuoso.
I don’t recall moving, but he’s repositioned me so I’m leaning against the back of his car, and I arch over the boot as he rubs his thumb relentlessly over my clitand moves his fingers in and out of me simultaneously. Then he lowers his head and sucks my buduntil my whole body is on fire. I’m completely at his mercy and I cry out as my orgasm races through my veins, and I come over and over whilst he continues to play me like a beloved instrument.
