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But now her blue eyes are locked on mine, and I’m forced to answer her.
‘Yeah, of course.’
I don’t like the idea of her going off on her own, but I can’t expect her to stay here and not make the most of us being away.
Whatever I do, I hurt her. There’s no way to avoid it in this impossible situation. I’m doing my best, but I’m failing miserably.
I keep telling myself, I’ll figure it out so we can be together somehow, but even in my most elaborate fantasies, Grandfather will never approve of me marrying the nanny, no matter how amazing she is.
And if I tell him I’m going to be with whoever I want and not meet his terms, I’ll lose everything. The hotel business is in my blood, and I can’t imagine not leading that division after all these years of working so diligently to reach my dream role of CEO.
Daisy keeps pestering for Nathalie to come with us, and eventually I tell her that Nathalie needs a few days off. I daren’t meet Nat’s eyes after that.
Ever since the smouldering night in the park when all my defences crumbled, it’s been even more difficult to stop myself from going to her room when Daisy’s asleep and the house is silent. Every night when I walk to my bedroom is a fresh test, and I stare at the winding flight of stairs that leads to her door.
It would be so easy to slip into a routine with her. She didn’t say she loved me in response to my declaration, but there was no mistaking the feeling between us. We were so close on the drive home it was painful to separate.
That was the most tempting night of all. But Daisy sometimes wanders into my room and gets into my bed when she has a bad dream, and I can’t risk complicating things for her. If she couldn’t find me in the night, she would panic and run up to Nathalie’s room, so either way, she’d see us in bed together, no matter which room we chose.
The other reason I’m holding back is selfish. I’m in so deep, I’m losing myself and if making love and sleeping with her become a regular occurrence, giving her up forever, is going to be even more agonising. And give her up, I must, or lose everything.
Whilst we’re not as traditional as some high-net-worth families who insist on arranged marriages and won’t even contemplate a mere love match, I’m out of wild cards.
Grandfather has told me multiple times; he’s not letting me repeat the same mistake. ‘You’re too romantic for your own good, my boy,’ is one of his regular observations when discussing what he sees as my shambolic love life.
And maybe he’s right. In a weak moment, I let it slip that I love her, and that was unfair to Nathalie. I realize I’m unsuited to marry for a strategic business alliance, which leaves me only one route if I’m to meet the terms of the inheritance clause in the will.
I must marry for love.
But when I think of it, all I see is Nathalie.
How am I going to fall in love with someone else when the love of my life sleeps one floor above me?
I can’t. I won’t.
The only answer—and it turns me cold—is to find her a new position, end her contract and hire a new nanny. A frumpy, Mrs Doubtfire type, like the one I expected. If my assistant hadn’t hired Nathalie, none of this would have happened, and for a nano-second I blame her for the mess we’re in. Sighing, I know it’s pointless. She is the most efficient executive-assistant I’ve ever had, and she was only doing what I asked.
However it happened, I can’t ignore that I’m digging a hole for both of us and we’re both getting precipitously close to the edge. I saw the betrayal in Nathalie’s eyes when I said we were going to Greystone without her. Treating her like a member of staff doesn’t come naturally to me, and I had to force myself. It feels cruel, and my instinct was to sweep her up in my arms and give Daisy what she wants, which is for all of us to go together and have a wonderful weekend with my family. The irony is that’s what I want, too.
It’s a bright morning, and the sky is blue with only a whisper of cloud when Daisy and I set off. Hampshire isn’t far, and we should be there in a few hours unless the traffic is heavy. Daisy was upset that Nathalie wasn’t coming and asked at least five times before we left if she could come and stay over with us.
Nat avoided looking at me. Since the conversation about us going for the weekend, she’s been withdrawn. For a day or so after we were together in the park, she was happy and glowing.
But I’ve fucked it all up again, and I can’t see a way out. I tried to catch her eye several times at breakfast today, but she kept herself occupied and didn’t look at me once.
There’s a physical pain in my chest when she cuts me out like this. I don’t know what she expects from me and feel bad enough as it is without her giving me the cold shoulder.
I don’t blame her. I promised her nothing, and she’s acting differently. She’s losing patience and thinks I’m a dick, and to make matters worse, I think so too.
What if she leaves before I figure this out?
I’m on edge about her going to the centre when we’re away, and I don’t trust Tricky Dicky. He’ll be itching for revenge and my instinct is he will keep hitting on her to get at me and I won’t be around to protect her. I know I insulted her when I said he only offered her the job because he discovered she works for me.
Nathalie helped Daisy pack her bag and Daisy kissed and hugged her a thousand times before we left.
All I got was a stiff goodbye before she turned to go back into the house. As we drive away, I’m already missing her and a weekend seems like a lifetime without her, but I promised Daisy we’d stay over. Hopefully, I won’t get too much of an inquisition from the family. I console myself that it will be great to catch up with everyone as I haven’t seen much of them lately.
Marian told me Caspian is bringing his girlfriend so that should be interesting and take the heat off me. He never brings anyone home, so this is a sign that something important is going on. My siblings and I share an unwritten agreement where we don’t take dates to Greystone unless it’s serious. There’s too much pressure and so we keep our dalliances to ourselves. It’s easier that way, as there are no awkward questions and no pressure to make it formal.
