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I stayed in place, glaring at him, my body damn near vibrating with anger. I didn’t have a great hold over my emotions these days, but I was pretty sure, pregnant or not, I’d be the same level of pissed off as I was right now.
“Fiona—”
“Nope,” I said, holding up my hand. “I appreciate that my car accident made you reevaluate things. Your past gave you a reason to bail out,” I told him. “An excuse for you to use to live with yourself. Something you could use to explain yourself to me, so Ihaveto forgive you. Feel empathy for you. And I do.”
I felt it coming. Like a bubble in the back of my throat. All the things I’d been holding in. More anger I’d been nursing but hadn’t let out because I felt like an asshole for still being mad at Kip despite what he’d told me about his wife and daughter.
“But I am also haunted by my fucking past, Kip,” I snapped at him. “Not just the wino mother, the asshole father, the abusive husband, the babies that died inside me, the feeling of being utterly alone.”
I kept pacing. “I’ve worked through… most of that. Or repressed it enough that I’ve managed to be a somewhat adult person. But it’s this.” I pointed at my stomach. “The catalyst that brought it all crashing down.”
I placed my hand there, gentler now, worrying that my little girl was getting my fury fed to her through the placenta or whatever. That couldn’t be healthy.
I stopped pacing and took a deep breath. Then another. Then I looked at Kip, who was sitting on the sofa, watching me, his elbows resting on his knees. “I get that you’re tortured,” I said quietly. “But you don’t get to walk around like you’re the only one who is. Do you know I wear these earrings every day?” I pointed at my earrings. “Not because I like them overly much. Or that they’re expensive. In fact, the gold plating leaves black marks and makes my earlobes itch. But Ihaveto wear these. Because these were what I was wearing when I first peed on the stick. When I first went to the doctor and didn’t get bad news. So, I thought they were some kind of moderately priced, gold-plated good luck charm. So now I have to wear them every day. Because if I don’t and something bad happens, it’s because I didn’t wear the earrings. It’s because ofme.” I jabbed myself in the chest, already forgetting that I was supposed to be regulating my fury to protect the baby.
“I’ve got about a hundred tiny little fucked-up things I have to deal with to get through the day with just enough of a cheerful veneer so my best friend doesn’t worry about me when I really spend most of my day alternating between joy, panic, and terror.” I squeezed my eyes shut because I suddenly felt like I was about to cry, and that just would not do. I was angry. And if I started crying, I couldn’t be certain that I’d be able to stop.
Once I felt like I had it under control, I opened my eyes again. Kip was still sitting there watching me, waiting for more. “And you know what?” I whispered. “I’m dealing, because I’ve got no other choice. It’s hard. It sucks. But I’ve got no other fucking choice. So woman the fuck up, Kip, and deal. You have no other goddamn choice.” I paused. “Well, actually you do. You can walk away. So either do that or deal. Those are your fucking choices.”
I was breathing heavily at this point, having dumped it all on him rather unexpectedly.
Kip might’ve said something. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to hear what he had to say, but I wasn’t storming off as planned either.
A knock at the door punctuated the silence.
It jerked me out of my stupor.
“I’m going to get that,” I said. “You…” I pursed my lips. Stared at Kip standing there, having taken everything I’d thrown at him and looking properly tortured and guilty by it all.
My anger fizzled out.
“I don’t care what you do,” I huffed, turning on my heel and storming out to get the door before I did something ridiculous like kiss him or forgive him or declare my undying love for him.
I figured the person at the door would likely be the UPS guy. We were great friends at this point. I even left a little table of snacks out for him because of how often he came to the house. My clothes no longer fit me, and I’d heaved a whole bunch of jeans, dresses, and tight things into a suitcase to make way for clothes that would accommodate my stomach, hips, and ass.
It couldn’t have been Tina, Tiffany, Calliope, or Nora. They all walked right in. Their visits had calmed somewhat since the sting of the accident had lessened a bit and I was given the all clear by the doctors.
But it was not the UPS guy.
“Oh mygod!” Deidre exclaimed, pulling me into her arms.
I relaxed into the embrace because you didn’t fight it when Deidre hugged you and also because it felt… nice. I needed a hug from a motherly type figure right now.
“I’m so mad at you,” she snapped, holding me at arm’s length to inspect me. “But how can I be mad at you when you have such a beautiful bump and you’re positively glowing. Glowing!”
She cupped my cheeks and shook my head a little but… fondly.
“So mad,” she muttered, not sounding mad. Actually, her eyes were glassy, and she sounded like she was close to crying.
Emotion welled up inside me as I wondered what she might be feeling. Her only son didn’t tell her he got married—granted, the marriage was fake, but she didn’t know that—and now she’s going to be a grandmother, and he didn’t tell her that either.
I saw it then. The pain in her eyes that she hid so very well. Kip had lost a wife and a daughter. She’d lost a daughter and a granddaughter. Because I had no doubt that she welcomed his late wife into the family with the same warmth and love she had for me.
Her eyes widened in shock when she looked down. “Oh my god, what happened?” she asked in horror.
I glanced down at my cast, the wretched fucking thing. I still had three more weeks of it, and it already itched like a bitch and was a prick of a thing to take a shower with. Luckily the rest of my injuries had healed up nicely, so Deidre didn’t see the extent, and I could downplay the accident.
“My car had a… disagreement with another car,” I told her. “It’s nothing,” I tried to wave off her horrified look. “A little fender bender that left me with a new accessory. And she’s completely fine.” I gestured to my stomach.
