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Kaia nods. “You are perfectly correct.”
I sigh. “Living like this is nice. Beyond nice. Not worrying about how I’m going to pay bills or what might happen if I get sick and can’t work for a few days—it feels really good to have that kind of stress lifted off my shoulders. But I’m not trying to get my hands on Keir’s money. I wasn’t ever looking for a sugar daddy before and I’m not looking for one now.”
She nods, pulling up the chair next to her so she can prop up her feet. “Girl, my ankles are so swollen. They just sort of blend in with my calves now.” She heaves a contented sigh once her feet are up, then rests a hand on her belly. “They conveniently leave out all these details when they talk about the joys of pregnancy. Anyway, you were saying you don’t want a sugar daddy, right? So what do you want?”
That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? The same question I’ve been asking myself for days. Weeks. Ever since I first met Keir, if I’m being honest.
And honestly? I’m still not sure if I have an answer. Not one that would make sense to anyone else. Kaia is my best friend, though. She knows me better than most other people—sometimes better than I know myself. She might be the only person in the world who can actually make sense of my mixed emotions.
“I want the fairy tale.” It’s the simplest answer I can give. “I want someone who will sweep me off my feet and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want someone who will love me unconditionally. Someone I can count on to be by my side and have my back no matter what.”
“So… a golden retriever?”
I’m not sure whether I should laugh or cry. “I think pregnancy is making you a little too unfiltered.”
Kaia reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze. “You know I’m joking. Mostly.”
I do know that. Still, maybe I’ve been too hard on Keir? I really don’t have any perspective anymore. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees when you’re lost in the middle of it all.
“Seriously, though, am I asking for too much? Would I be better off to keep things totally professional with Keir and just… I don’t know. Literally get a dog for the loyalty and companionship I also want?”
She shrugs. “I can’t answer that for you. I can barely make those kinds of decisions for myself and my baby. I don’t think you’re asking for too much, though. I just think you need to be realistic about your expectations. I don’t know Keir like you do, so I can’t tell you where he’s at in his life and whether his relationship goals match up with yours. He might not ever be the guy you want him to be—but then again he might be perfect for you if you give him a chance and meet him halfway on some things.”
Her answer isn’t really that different from what I’ve been telling myself, but it’s helpful to hear the words out loud from someone else’s point of view.
I’m still not really sure what to do moving forward, though. “I can’t keep going on like this with him,” I say. “I know that much. We fight, then we make up and have amazing sex. I adore his daughter more than I would have thought possible. And underneath his tough, asshole exterior, he’s actually really kind and considerate. He has a heart of gold even though he does a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time.”
“Plus he has more money than God,” Kaia adds. “So what’s the catch? Sometimes he’s an asshole? I hate to break it to you, but that sort of describes most of humanity. I felt exactly that way when I was sneaking around, dating Calum in secret.”
“I know. It’s not just that, though.” I suck in a breath.
This is the most open and honest I’ve been about my feelings for Keir with anyone, ever. I’m saying most of this stuff out loud for the first time and I’m trying to navigate my own emotions as I go. It’s hard but it’s also helpful that Kaia is here to prod me and make me deal with the facts, even when they’re uncomfortable.
“What else? He snores? Drinks too much? Watches golf on TV all day?”
“Stop making me laugh,” I say, cracking up in spite of myself. “He doesn’t do any of those things. But his parents hate me. His ex—oh yeah, he’s still technically married—came by with them last week and caused a huge scene. Called me names and made Isla cry. It was a whole ordeal.”
“Good lord.” Her eyes are wide as she leans in. “Keep going. Tell me what happened. You can’t just stop at the good part.”
I roll my eyes. “I promise it was a lot less entertaining in the moment. But he kicked them out, of course. I mean, what was he going to do? It’s not like he can punch his mom or his ex for saying crazy things.”
“Right,” she nods. “But it sounds like you’re still upset about it. Not that I blame you. Those people sound horrible. It’s no wonder Keir puts up this front of being an asshole. He’s probably had to spend his whole life guarding his heart.”
I sit back in my chair, floored by that revelation. “Damn. I’ve never thought about it like that before. Of course he’s had to guard his heart. That’s probably the only reason he hasn’t turned out to be a monster like the rest of them.”
Suddenly, it’s like so many pieces of the puzzle have snapped into place. I’m not sure if it changes the way I feel about Keir or the situation in general, but it all makes more sense to me now—his pent-up anger and frustration, the walls he’s built to keep the rest of the world out, his issues with his parents, all of it.
“Here’s the deal,” she says. “It’s not like you ever had a shortage of guys asking you out when you lived here. Keir must offer something those other guys didn’t, and I know it’s not just the money because you’re not that materialistic.”
“Right,” I nod. “I can’t argue with any of that.”
“Good. So the question is whether you can find a way to deal with all the other shit and all the baggage he brings to the table. If his parents hate you forever, is that a deal breaker? Can you spend the rest of your life in this cycle of bickering, making up, and having crazy-amazing sex? Because if not, you should do yourself a favor and get out while it’s still relatively easy.”
I don’t even want to go into all the reasons why it wouldn’t be that easy to call it quits now, but I can still see her point. I have to decide where my line in the sand is going to be.
How much can I put up with?
Can I put up with all the craziness, the negativity, the fame itself?
