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“I know.” I worried that if I said anything else, my voice would crack, betraying my emotions.
She was silent for a few moments before she sat down next to me and pulled my hand into hers. “Do you remember the day your dad forced you to take me fishing? It was right after my dad’s funeral. I was so happy to get to do something.”
“I’ll never forget it. You were so small then. Couldn’t have been much older than seven or eight.”
“I was six. You were fourteen. And you got so mad at me for messing up your fishing pole that I ran away and got lost in the woods. It was dark before anyone found me at that old cabin.”
“I don’t think I have ever been that scared in my entire life. A little blond angel crying and running into the woods all because she was terrified of me, and there was nothing I could do about it.”
“You called me Margot, while you were calling for me. It was the only time you’d ever done it. But I couldn’t see you, and it was dark so I couldn’t find my way back to the truck. Do you remember what you said to me when you found me?”
“No.” It was a lie though. I remembered. For the rest of my life, I’d never forget those words.
I could see the bedraggled little girl with mud on her cheeks looking up into my eyes like I was her savior all those years ago. I remembered the promise I made to myself, even then, to protect her. She stared at me with gray eyes that were too large for her face, and she trusted me. She was lost in the middle of a dark forest. She was shivering, clutching her arms around her middle, trying to stay warm. I loved her then. In an innocent, need to protect her way. But that moment in time will forever be branded on my brain as the instant that she cut a space for herself onto my soul.
“You picked me up, shook me like a rag doll, and then gave me a hug. You said, ‘Little Lilly-girl, you better never leave me like that again.’ At that very moment I promised just that. A part of me has known since I was six that you were the man who could keep me here and keep me safe. Still, I can’t stay anymore. I don’t need to be safe. I need to grow up, Jake.”
“I know you do.” I put my head in my hands and sighed.
“I need you to let me go, Jake.” When I didn’t answer her, she left. Later I learned she went to Arizona. I knew that she was lost to me for good. A part of me died that night when she walked away from me. I knew that she wasn’t going to come back because I hadn’t asked her to stay, and it completely destroyed me.
I don’t talk about it, not with the other deputies or even with my family. As I push the memories back where they had stayed for the past year, I know that something drastic has shifted. The anger is back, overshadowing everything that I have done to move on in the time since she left.
I knew it was her, even without her signature blue-black hair. Those gray eyes are the only thing I needed to see. My heart started racing when I walked back to my cruiser.
I have nothing to protect me from the pain. I’ve tried to work it out, and even called Brian. Somehow Brian’s phone is off and there is no way that I’m going to call Maya’s phone this late at night on her day off. She’d chop me up into little pieces. So I compose myself before going back out to just write her a ticket and then leave. All of the pent-up emotions that I have been hiding from the world just explode, and the next thing I know, she’s driving away with her hand waving at me out the window.
“Shit,” I say to the silence. “Shit. Shit. Shit. What am I going to do?” I put my head in my hands and want to scream. Instead, I go back to my cruiser, a department-issued Ford Edge, and start the drive home. Once there, I sign off duty and go inside to the woman I started seeing a little over two months ago, in an attempt to get over my only real love. A woman that I know I’m going to break up with first thing tomorrow.
Hoping for sleep that refuses to come, I only see Margot’s face when I close my eyes and lay down on the couch. Those gray eyes I have seen looking up at me in ecstasy a hundred times, the very same eyes that have challenged me not only in bed but with their humor and intelligence as well. I see all of our history from the time we were children, up until the moment she left. If I’m being honest with myself, I’ll include the fact that I haven’t given up on her, and even flew out to watch her graduate from college with her master’s degree a few months ago. It was one of the proudest moments of my life.
Wishing for sleep to come is the most I can do tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll go see Maya and Brian to see if they know why Margot has come home. It’s harder than it should be, with the memories of our life together flashing before my eyes. So many hours and days spent together, and yet at the time, I had thought that it would never be enough. Then she was gone, leaving me alone to pick up the pieces and struggle to figure out where my life is going.
“Damn you, Margot,” I say to the silence. “Damn you.” And then I let sleep claim me, knowing that my life is going to hell all over again.
2
MARGOT
“Here’s your key, ma’am.”The teenager behind the counter hands over an envelope, giving me directions to where I can find my room.
When I’m safely behind the door, I crumple against it.
Of course it had to be Jake who pulled me over.
Just like that, I want to get back in my car and drive away. I need to go back to Arizona as soon as possible and start looking for a new job. I look at the clock, noticing that it’s after one a.m., and I know that I’ll have to get some sleep if I’m going to be at Maya and Brian’s first thing in the morning.
After I take a shower and put on an old t-shirt, I crawl into bed and immediately fall asleep. It isn’t until my alarm is blaring in my ears that I get up in the morning. Grumbling, I roll over and turn it off. Instead of going back to sleep like I want to, I roll out of bed and onto the floor to stretch. Thankful that no one can see my antics before getting dressed, I throw on a pair of jeans and a tank top and quickly pull my hair into a bun before leaving the room.
No matter how much time has passed, Birch is my home. The drive to Maya’s house is a short one, and even after being used to spending twenty minutes in traffic on my way to Arizona State University or work, I miss how close everything is in Birch. As I drive down Main Street, the familiar stores I sped past last night are all beginning to open. It takes all my strength not to stop at The Bean to grab a fresh cup of coffee. I know Maya will skin me alive if she finds out that I went anywhere but her house first.
But she better have coffee waiting for me.
Windows down, the familiar fresh air assaults my senses. Even though there are plenty of trees in Arizona, it isn’t the same. I know there is something about being so close to the ocean that calls to my soul and tells me I’m home. As I pull into Maya and Brian’s driveway, a feminine screech sounds from inside the house and I know she’s been waiting by the window like a kid at Christmas.
“She’s here! Brian, she’s here. Move your big butt.” The front screen door swings open, and a short brown-haired bombshell still wearing a pair of pajamas comes barreling toward me. “Margot! You get over here and give me a hug.” Maya doesn’t give me a chance to move, let alone speak, before I’m being enveloped in a hug.
“It’s nice to see you too, Maya. But I can’t breathe.” As my best friend releases me from a death grip, I can’t help noticing the tattoo that she got on her forearm.
