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I saw her again one evening at Zara’s. It was easy to ignore her there, in a big crowd of people. Same thing happened on a Saturday afternoon at Lucy’s. The whole gang was there, so no one noticed that Emma and I weren’t talking. Or if they did, they didn’t say anything.
No, it was the supermarket that almost did me in. Turning into the cereal aisle, and there she was. I felt that familiar flare of emotions, love and lust swirled together, hit me. Hard. So hard that I actually took a step back. I really wanted to run, but she was standing right in front of me, next to the corn flakes.
Our eyes met, then she made a move, as if she was going to walk by me. It was the most contact I’d had with her in what felt like forever. I should have let her go, but instead, I said, “Um, hi.” A perfectly witty, imaginative opening line. Excellent.
Surprise flickered in her eyes before she carefully arranged her face in a neutral expression. “Hello.” She jutted out her chin and it was such an Emma gesture that I wanted to smile. Then I couldn’t think of a single goddamn thing to say.
“What are you doing here?”
Narrowing her eyes like she was wondering if I was toying with her, she said, “Shopping. You know, how you do at a grocery store. You?”
“Also shopping.”
Things could not possibly be more awkward, and it made me feel utterly ridiculous. She shifted her basket on her arm, fidgeting a little. She obviously wanted to get out of there and fast.
“How’s things?”
“Fine. How about you?”
“Great. Doc says I’m good to join the team again.” This was not pushing her away.
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” Why did I have to be such a fuckup? Let. Her.Go. “Anyway, you’re busy. I’ll let you get back to your shopping.”
“Thanks.”
Another shopper came around the corner with a cart, blocking Emma’s exit. A combination of fear and frustration flashed in her eyes. I felt her fear like a stake through my heart. She was scared of me, of what I might say, of the hurt I could cause her. Based on our history, I couldn’t blame her. “Emma.”
“I have to go.” She turned and walked away, dropping her half-full basket at the end of the aisle and hurrying out of the supermarket.
There was a good chance I’d spend the rest of my days haunted by the stricken look in her eyes.
CHAPTER14
Emma
Irushed out of the supermarket, my head down, my hands shaking as I pulled open my car door. “Fuck.” I hadn’t finished shopping for dinner, but there was no way I could hang around one moment longer, receiving Jake’s crazy-making mixed signals. I barely paid attention to the road on the short trip home, I was so caught up in my head.
One half of me just wanted to curl up into a ball and have a really good cry. The other half wanted to rage and scream and smash things. I eased out of the car, walked quietly into the house, so as not to disturb my dad, and slipped into my bedroom.
Now.NowI could rage as much as I wanted. I fantasized about having a proper meltdown, throwing things around, clearing the top of my dressing table with a single sweep of the arm, hurling my lamp at the wall. Just letting all the feelings out. My fists were clenched tightly, the nails digging into my palms. My heart pounded in my ears. “Fuck you, Jake.”
Suddenly an invisible hand pushed into my back, right between my shoulder blades, and a whisper screamed in my ear.Run.Without thinking, I went to my wardrobe and pulled my suitcase from the top shelf. The need to get out of here, out of Esperance, was suddenly as overwhelming as it had been after Jake’s first accident and the breakup. I hardly paid attention to what I was throwing in the case, could hardly see through the tears that blurred my eyes. All I could see was Jake’s face with all the myriad expressions on it I’d seen over the past few weeks. Scowling in pain, alight with amusement, hot with desire…then blank again with…nothing. No feeling at all. Just cutting me out of his mind again like I didn’t exist. It brought up old memories. Jake’s face with that ugly, ugly sneer.
I closed the lid on the suitcase, zipping it up with shaking hands. I had no idea where I was going to go, but wherever it was, it would be far enough from Jake that I’d never have to see him again. Then the sound of my dad shuffling down the hallway, past my bedroom door, hit me like a freight train. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to fight the sobs that lodged in my throat. His breathing was labored, and he was running his hand along the wall for support.
There was no running for me, not anymore. Esperance had me caught well and truly by the ankle. My knees gave way and I sank to the floor, pressing a tight fist to my lips to force the sobs down so as not to upset Dad. I tried to breathe but the air came shallow and shaky, doing nothing to calm me down.Get a grip.Resting my forehead against the side of the bed, I forced my hands to uncurl, holding them lightly in my lap, letting my body know that there was no fight or flight response necessary here. I was staying. End of story.Breathe in, breathe out, in, out, in, out.
My heart rate slowed, my body stopped shaking, and eventually I felt like I could get up off the floor.Don’t be such a loser, pining over a guy that’s made it clear he doesn’t want you.I forced myself to stand, wipe the tears from my face and square my shoulders. I was staying in Esperance, that’s all there was to it. And I could deal. I could! Right now, though, I had to deal with the fact that I’d run out of the supermarket without getting what we needed for dinner.
Dad was in the kitchen, happily gazing out at the garden at Jake’s work.Sigh.
“Hey, did you have a good rest?”
His eyes lit up when he turned to look at me and it made my heart squeeze. What the fuck was I thinking, packing a bag like that?
“Sure did, honey.”
