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Me:And you’re saying I’m that person you trust for this. Just to clarify.
She didn’t answer for the longest time, and I thought maybe I’d freaked her out. Finally, she replied.
Emma:Yes, Jake, you are that person. Just to clarify.
Me:Okay. I’ll make it happen for you, if you want.
Emma:I think I do, but I’m not sure. I’ve never done anything like this. I might freak out.
Me:Then we’ll stop, of course. We’ll pick a word and you just have to say it.
Emma:Okay, great.
I left it at that, since I didn’t want to push Emma any further. There was nothing else I could get for our little weekend from the local supermarket. I’d either have to go to Vanceboro, or maybe just get it all online. For now, I just needed to pick up a few groceries for myself and I could get out of there.
At the checkouts, there was only one lane open, and the cashier was Bertha Symes. Fuck. What I wouldn’t give for self-checkout right now. I seriously considered dropping the basket and walking out, but it was raining out and I’d just have to come back later for the food at least. Dumping the contents of the basket onto the counter, I refused to make eye contact with her.
Every small town had a Bertha Symes. The town gossip. The one person who somehow knew what everyone else was doing all the time. And a memory like an elephant. I swear, this woman knew everything I’d done since I’d started walking. She was really short, like, less than five feet. Sharp gray eyes, a blue rinse in her hair, and one front tooth missing.
She rang up the food easily enough, but her hand paused on the massage oil and she picked it up, reading the contents, arching one eloquent eyebrow at me before dropping it in the bag. Then she very slowly scanned the chocolate sauce and made a huge show of placing it very carefully in the bag. Of course the condoms were next. All forty-eight of them.
“Big night then?” she asked, grinning.
I frowned. “No.”
She waved the box of condoms around meditatively, eyeballing them. “You sure about that?”
“Yes, Bertha, it’s just me and Nellie,” I said patiently. “No big deal.”
Her pencil thin eyebrows flew up in surprise and she almost licked her lips. “Nellie? I don’t know any Nellies. She new in town?”
“Yeah, just arrived yesterday.”
“Oh really? Yesterday? By bus? Or did she fly in?”
“Came by Fedex, actually. In a nice big box.”
She frowned at that because it didn’t make sense. “In a box?”
I almost heard the unasked, horrified question.Like a coffin?“Yeah, I’ve been trying to get her inflated all day but can’t seem to get the pump going well enough to do the job properly.”
Narrowing her beady eyes at me, she made an unimpressed “Humph,” and rang up my items. I’d say that round went to me.
Back in my truck…
Me:You know that raging hardon I told you about?
Emma:Yes?
Me:It’s gone. Died a tragic death and may never return without your expert help.
Emma:lol, why, what happened?
Me:Bertha Symes happened.
Emma:This is not enough information.
Me:She was speculating. I set her straight, but it kinda killed the mood.
