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Journey sighs again. “Because you think making a baby is what you’re supposed to do?”
“No, because I wanted to make a baby with Ike. I just didn’t think it would happen so fast.”
As her annoyed expression softens, Journey studies me. “Have you told Ike?”
“Not yet. I’m afraid he’ll be mad. Also, Otto and Betty don’t want children, but our baby will be in their house.”
“Those don’t feel like real problems,” Journey says and gives me her “all-knowing mother” look. “What’s the real reason?”
Shrugging, I rub my belly and think about a little version of Ike. “I’m afraid I won’t seem happy about the news, and he’ll be disappointed.”
“Why aren’t you happy?”
“I’m afraid I’ll become my mother.”
“But that’s a choice.”
“Everything is a choice here. People keep telling me that I can do whatever I want. But what if I choose wrong? I’m still getting used to this new me.”
“But it’s not really new, is it? The other night, you said you were always getting in trouble. Last week, you mentioned how you used to sneak into the woods or listen to rock music. You’ve been you for a while. The new part is not getting in trouble for it.”
Thinking about her words, I nod. “I don’t want to be a bad mom.”
“Do you think your mother is bad or just strict?”
“She said she doesn’t like me. Is that bad?”
Journey’s expression turns ugly before softening again. “Yes, parents are supposed to lie to their kids about that.”
“She wasn’t affectionate like you are with Ike. She didn’t laugh with me like you do with Edith. I never sensed she wanted to spend time with me. Or really wanted me around at all.”
“I can’t put myself in your mother’s shoes. Her chilliness toward you could be nurture or nature. She might wish to run wild like you, or she might be the coldest bitch in town. What I do know is you have a choice to be whatever kind of mom you want.”
“I want to be a fun mom like you.”
Journey laughs. “I’m not the fun mom on the homestead.”
“Ike, Otto, and Edith are crazy about you. I want to be the kind of mom who enjoys her relationship with her kids.”
Journey’s expression shifts as if my words break something in her. “Iama good mom.”
“Will you teach me how to be one, too?”
Journey offers me a tender smile. “Of course. My ma helped me when I took in Otto. He was an angry seven-year-old boy that I barely knew. With Christine’s help, I think I did right by my new son.”
I bask at her warm words as my hands rub my belly. “Motherhood seemed like a punishment when I was growing up. But I do like the idea of having a little Ike. He’s the best person I’ve ever met.”
Glowing with pride, Journey scoots closer and lowers her voice.
“We’ll get you a pregnancy test to be sure. If you’re not pregnant, you can decide if you want to wait longer. I’ll get you on birth control until you’re certain. If you are pregnant, don’t waste time trying to hide it from anyone. Secrets never last long around here.”
“What if I have a miscarriage?”
“We’ll get you stoned and feed you bags of tortilla chips. You’d be surprised how helpful that is.”
Taking a chance, I lean closer and hug Journey. Her embraces always leave me feeling lighter, as if her mom powers lift a burden off my shoulders.
Today is no different. I’m ready to learn the truth about my missed period. If a baby is happening now rather than later, I have a homestead full of great moms to help me figure out how to be my best.
