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“What is it?” Puts her little hand on my cheek.I deny with my head, stunned by the flood of yeses and noes in my mind.
“Where is Isabella?” I ask, needing a distraction for her, for me.The wrinkle between Antonella’s eyebrows stands firm when she answers me.
“At the theater… It’ll take at least ten minutes for the play to finish. Marcos!” she calls and spreads both hands on my face, preventing me from escaping her gaze.I let myself be trapped not only by the palms of her hands, but by her eyes as well.They scream worry and I wonder if it would be that bad.Would it really be a reason for desperation to want her to be mine?
Antonella once told me that belonging wasn’t about possession.It was about choices.Now, for the first time ever, I can’t help but wonder if I’m capable of making that choice?Am I worthy of being chosen by her and Isabella?I’m not fit to take care of anyone...I’m not material for that!I think I have the answer to my question.I’m definitely going crazy.
“Marcos? What’s happened? Are you feeling ok?” Her tone mixes urgency and concern.
“I’m fine, Antonella...It’s nothing…” Her neck tilts slightly to the side and her eyes make it very clear that she doesn’t believe me.
“You’re ly...” She interrupts herself in the middle of the word, runs her tongue over his lips, swallows and turns her face to the side.
When she looks at me again, even if she doesn’t make the accurate accusation that I know she would, her eyes are hurt. I expel the air from my lungs.No, Ella, no... Please…Now it is my hands that spread on her face and my eyes that prevent hers from escaping.
“I’m fine... I promise... I just… It’s no big deal. Believe me” I ask, kiss her forehead, then her mouth.She nods almost imperceptibly.I move my thumbs over her cheek, relieved at the closure of the subject.But the tightness in my chest tells me that this won’t be the last time I ask myself those same questions.
?
“Why did you choose Law?” Lying in my arms, in my bed and completely naked, Antonella asks me.
“Can’t sleep, huh?” I can’t avoid the smile in my voice.
“Yeah. Too agitated to sleep...I can’t stop thinking about the party, Isabella’s happiness... I’m looking forward to see the photos!”
“She was happy, wasn’t she?” I smile too and turn to Antonella, leaving her facing me. “My mother is also dying to see the photos, she asked me to send them as soon as we receive them at least a dozen times.Probably, next time we visit her, there ‘ll be as many pictures of Isabella around that house as there are of me...”
“Does that bother you?” She seems worried about the answer, and my eyebrows join.
“Of course not!My mother is happy being a grandmother, and Isabella is happy being a granddaughter...Why would that bother me, Antonella?”
“It was just a... Never mind, doesn’t matter...” She moves, wanting to turn her body the other way, but I stop her.
“Hey… Hey... Hey... What’s going on?” In the dark I can see her face, but not perfectly.I decide that’s not enough.I stretch my free arm and light the bedside lamp.Antonella blinks her eyes until she gets used to it, but then she doesn’t look at me.
“Ella, what’s going on?”
“Nothing… It’s not important…” Gives me back the words I told her earlier and I want to roll my eyes.Instead, I stamp on my face all my frustration with her answer.
“Really? Is that really the answer you’re going give me?”
“What? You can have your secrets and I can’t?” Suddenly Antonella is defensive and I have no idea how we got here.
“It’s not a competition,Ella...It was just a silly matter...Whatever’s going through your head, it’s not silly and I know it because I can hear the confusion from here.” She exhales hard before turning to me.
“It’s silly… It’s just… It’s just a mother’s thing, Marcos...”
“And what would that be?” I ask, patiently.
“Isabella is happy being a granddaughter...But this status has an expiration date...Just over twenty months now.” The unexpected answer hits me with surprising force and I raise my eyebrows.
Mother’s thing, she said.So why does that perspective hurt me too?The very idea of ripping out of Isabella one of her sources of happiness makes it seem like there’s a hand crushing my heart and I need a few seconds to get rid of the feeling because I know it’s unwarranted.
But the bitterness in my mouth at the memory that there is a clock ticking, well, that’s not unwarranted and seconds are not enough to push it away.I suspect not even hours, days, weeks or months will be.
I pull Antonella closer to me, gluing her body to mine.She can’t resist, but she also doesn’t nest herself like she usually does.
“Two things... Mother’s worries are never silly, you can always talk about them with me,Ella.Always! If I haven’t made that clear yet, I’m making it clear now.” We spent some time staring at each other in silence before she nodded in agreement. “And second thing...You are completely crazy if you think that someday my mother will stop seeing Isabella as a granddaughter...Not today, not tomorrow, not in two, ten or twenty years, Antonella.The bond she created is eternal.She’ll be with Isabella at her first graduation, her second, her third, and how many times that little girl decides to graduate!She’s going to be on her birthdays and her wedding...My mother and father will always be there…” Her eyes are filled with unshed tears and in expectation for something more.
