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“I’ll never be able to forgive them, you know?”
“Who?” I ask, confused.
“Your parents...” She smiles sadly and shakes her head to one side and to the other. “I wondered if maybe when I was an adult with responsibilities, I would understand them at least a little bit.” Through the mirror, I see in her eyes so many feelings, feelings that are mine and that, throughout this entire life that has been the last five years, she has allowed me to share.Feelings for me that I wouldn’t even be able to have myself, but I know she is, because I have them for her. “But the more I grow and mature, the greater the number of responsibilities I have, Nel, the less I understand and the more certain I am that I will never, ever, ever be able to forgive them for doing this to you or Bella. They—"
“No, please don’t,” I whisper. It’s an old pact we have.
We don’t talk about how my parents are doing, what they’re doing.I know that since returning to Rio, Grazi has also returned to be around them.But to this day she had been keeping our covenant, and I don’t know if I could bear to break it.Not without breaking me a little bit together.
The first few days I was kicked out of the house, I felt so much fear, so much anger, that I knew it would destroy me.I locked these thoughts and feelings inside a dark box deep inside me, and they have remained there ever since.I didn’t look for my parents again, I didn’t search for news, and if they were dead, I probably wouldn’t know.I have activated a block on my electronic devices and no news about their surname has been shown to me for years, no matter what the news is.
Everyone develops mechanisms to deal with their own pain, that was mine.If I don’t see, I don’t think, if I don’t think, I don’t feel.It works, and I need it to stay that way.Because they were my parents, they not only had no right to do what they did, they had a duty to do everything differently.I’ve had Bella in my life for only three years, almost four, and the very idea of hurting her like I was hurt destroys me.
“I’m sorry, I just…” she asks and I lay my head on her shoulder.
“Okay. I think this dress is making us emotional…” I joke, and she kisses my cheek before looking at me in the mirror again with a mean look.Melancholy completely replaced by mockery.
“And it’s not even the wedding dress.”
“Oh, spare me, Grazi! It’s not like it’s real!”
“Every wedding dress is real, doesn’t matter the wedding isn’t! And yours will be a Vera Wang.”
“And may I ask how you’re going to achieve that in less than a month?” I abandon our exchange of glances in the mirror, turning my face to face her.She pulls back a few millimeters and winks at me, as if she knows something I don’t.
“Have I ever let you down?”
“Never!”
“So just trust me and let’s take care of one dress at a time!” She squeezes her arms around me one last time before pulling away and sitting back in the chaise she was in. “I’m serious! This dress is perfect!”
I exhale and roll my eyes before refocusing on my own reflection.
The dress all in satin is red, has a heart neckline and a cut all adjusted to the body.On the left shoulder, one small band simulates an off-the-shoulder sleeve, while the other is completely naked.At the waist, a ruffle hangs on the side up to half of the thighs, where a slit opens.The piece is beautiful, the ideal mix between sexy, sophisticated and beautiful.But I’m pretty sure Marcos is expecting something much pinker.
“I know it’s perfect, I just don’t think it’s as modest as it should be.”
“And what would be the fun of such a dress, Nel?”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s funny or not, Grazi.What matters is that this is what I need to look like.At least until the wedding.”
“Until the wedding...” she repeats the words, seeming to think about them, but quickly dismisses these thoughts, whatever they were. “It doesn’t matter!I’m not gonna let you leave here without that dress!”
“Grazi...”
“Don’t even try.I wanted to be a little fly to see Asshole Marcos’ face when he sees you in that dress! Fuck, he’s gonna have a heart attack!”
Through the mirror, I look at my friend frowning.
“We’re not trying to make him have a heart attack, Grazi!It’s enough that I’m deceiving him...” she narrows her eyes at me.
“Don’t tell me you’re feeling guilty, Antonella!” It’s much more of an accusation than a question.
“Maybe… I’m grateful for all these changes, Grazi... All this is only happening because of him” I admit it.
It’s only been six days since I moved, yet Marcos has been nothing but impeccable.He spends the whole day outside, when he arrives, he makes a point of looking for me to know if I need anything and treats Isabella very well, even if he always seems terrified at the prospect of her asking him some other inappropriate question.It’s hard not to feel guilty.I mean, the Marcos I knew deserved to be fooled...The one he’s been showing to be, maybe not.
“Oh, for God’s sake, Antonella! For starters, let’s not romanticize what’s going on here.Marcos is not a good Samaritan who cared to hear your story and decided to help you.He needed someone to play a part, and you just happened to be fit for the job.And it’s not like you’re a serial killer, or literally keep skeletons in the closet.You have a troubled past, a troubled family, and definitely a very different personality than the one you know he’s looking for, but let’s be honest, how good have you been at hiding the personality part?”
