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Neils
Igotdressedquicklyand silently.
There was no reason to worry that Libby would come out of her room. She never came out of her room when she was dealing with one of these kinds of nightmares. But then again, I was always the one who hurried to comfort her whenever she was crying.
I figured Erin going in to help her would keep her in the room, but on the off chance she did insist on coming to find me, I didn’t want to be anywhere near Erin’s bedroom. I yanked my shirt over my head and silently opened the door, looking out into the hall to ensure Libby couldn’t see me leaving Erin’s room.
Satisfied it was too dark, I slipped out of Erin’s room and stepped up to the doorway of Libby’s room. The door was most of the way closed but still open enough I was able to hear what was being said.
At least, I could hear Erin saying something, though the specifics of what she was telling Libby was kind of hard to make out with the sobbing of my daughter mixed in. It broke my heart to hear her crying like that, but I also felt trapped. There wasn’t anything I could do here to make this any better.
It was just a matter of letting my daughter feel all the things she was feeling and be there for her through everything, even if these episodes broke my heart every time they happened.
I took another small step closer to the door, my curiosity taking over. I had to figure out what Erin was saying to her. So far, Erin had done a remarkable job of getting through to Libby, and I couldn’t help but wonder how she would come through for her on this one. I hadn’t really talked to her about addressing these issues, as I figured I would be the one to handle them since she was just being the nanny.
But, if she was going to take a bigger role in our lives here, I did want her to have a hand in everything.
“It’s okay,” Erin was saying as she cuddled Libby close. “I know it’s hard, but it’s okay to cry about it. It’s okay to let all those feelings out. You don’t have to keep them in or be ashamed that you have them; it’s okay.”
“I just, I miss my mom,” Libby sobbed. “I miss her so much, and I hate that she’s never coming home. It’s not fair; it’s just not fair. I need her, I need her to come back to me!”
“I know you miss her, and I know you love her,” Erin replied. “Just like she loves you. You might not be able to see her, but I know she’s still here with you. She’s never going to leave you.”
“If she’s here right now, then why can’t I see her?” Lib sobbed. “She should be allowed to make it so I can see her like they do on TV. I just want to give her a hug and tell her that I love her and I’ll never forget about her. I want her to know I love her.”
“She knows,” Erin said. “Of course, she knows. And you might not be able to see her, but that doesn’t mean she’s not there. There are a lot of things in life you can’t see but are still there.”
“No there isn’t,” Libby said.
“You can’t see air,” Erin announced. “And there’s air all around you.”
“Yeah, but that’s like the only thing,” Libby said.
“You can’t see sounds, either, but you know those are there,” Erin said. “You might not be able to see your mom, but she is right here with you, and she always will be. And you know what else?”
“What?” Libby sniffed.
“Your dad and I will make sure you’re never going to be alone,” Erin said. “You’re always going to have at least one of us here with you. Always.”
“But that’s something that scares me,” Libby said. “Mom didn’t want to leave me, either. But it wasn’t her choice. Like, what if the same thing happens to you or to Dad?”
“That’s not going to happen,” Erin said. “I know it’s hard when you lose someone like you lost your mom, but you can’t live your life afraid that something is going to happen when it probably won’t.”
“It’s just so hard for me to let go of things like that when I don’t know. It feels like I can’t really let myself believe that nothing bad is going to happen. Like, as soon as I do, then something bad will happen,” she said. “I didn’t used to feel this way, but after the accident, I can’t shake the feeling it’s just a matter of time until something bad happens again.”
“I know it’s easy for you to fall into that kind of thinking, but you know, that’s part of what makes life so beautiful,” Erin said.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean if you knew everything that would happen and when, I don’t think you would enjoy life the way you can now, just not knowing,” Erin explained.
“I don’t understand,” Libby said. “I feel like if I knew when there were bad things that were about to happen, then I would be able to have fun and do things without worry because I’d know for sure nothing bad would happen.”
“Sure, I see what you’re saying, but think about it. If you knew when things were going to happen, what about those days when you just feel bored? What about all the times when you just want time to go by faster? You would wind up spending your entire life never enjoying the moments. Never knowing when you’re going to be surprised, never knowing when you should really be enjoying something. And how would you ever look forward to anything happening if you knew when all the things were going to happen? There are so many good things that come with not knowing the future, even if there are some things that are scary.”
“I just hate being so sad all the time,” Libby said. “I want to be happy, but it’s like I’m too scared to let myself just be happy because of how sad I am that my mom’s gone. And I’m scared I’m going to fall in love with something, and it’s going to get taken away from me. Or, like I feel like I can’t go on and be happy when Mommy died. She died, and I didn’t. I was there with her; I don’t know why she died!”
“Sh, sh, sh, there there, I know it’s hard. I know it’s okay to cry. Let all your emotions out and don’t hold anything in,” Erin told her. “Crying is good for you. It lets your emotions even back out, even if you keep crying.”
