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Heleans down to whisper inBeau’sear, and when my friend turns to look for me, my heart quails, wondering if he’ll do the unthinkable and pretend he doesn’t know me.
Buthe nods, andIwait, wringing my hands and bouncing on my toes, for the bouncer to come back and wave me through.
Ihurry over toBeauand stand in front of him, waiting for him to let the woman cuddling up to him go so we can talk.Buthe doesn’t.Hejust stands there looking at me with that horrible unreadable expression on his face.Idon’t understand what’s going on here.Whymy friends, the two people who have meant so much to me for so long, have turned their backs on me.WhatdidIdo that was so bad?
“Beau, please, we need to talk.”
“Okay, then.Let’stalk.”
Ilook at the woman standing next to him, and she stares back at me blankly.Ishake my head and turn back toBeau. “Youhave to know, at the start, it was so unexpected.Wenever dreamed anything like this would happen.Howcould we?Itstarted off as a drunken mistake and now… now…”Andnow what?NowIloveDevon, butI’mnot sure how he feels?Nowit’s finally out in the open and he doesn’t even want to see me?
“Nowyou’re in love?”Beauasks with a curl of his lip.
Yes.Butwith how things are,Ican’t make myself say the words, soItake a shaky breath. “Idon’t know.Maybe.Wehaven’t really…”I’muncomfortably aware thatDevonandIboth avoided saying the words.ButIfelt it.God,Ifeltit.Butif he didn’t, if this was only a bout of temporary insanity on his part…Ican’t take back the words onceIset them free.IfIsay it, andDevondoesn’t feel the same way, there’ll be no coming back from it.
Beausnorts. “Allthis lying and sneaking around, and it wasn’t even love.”
He’sput my fears into words, and the painI’mtrying to hide wells up in my chest like a dark tide again.
Noone else is going to want you.Thewords echo round and round my head.
Ilook for a way to distract myself. “WhydidDevonask if you loved me?”
Beaueyes me, then angles in close to the woman under his arm and whispers something.
Shesmiles seductively up at him, then walks away with an exaggerated sway of her hips.Beauturns back to me. “Didn’tDevontell you about the pact?”
Mychest squeezes. “Whatpact?”
Beaushook his head. “Shouldhave guessed he wouldn’t.”
Ihold on to the last thread of my patience and will my tears back. “Whydon’t you tell me now?”
Hegives a curt nod. “WhenIwas sixteen,Iwas in love with you.”Ahint of vulnerability shades his eyes. “IthoughtIwas anyway.”
Isuck in a sharp breath. “What?”
“ButIwasn’t sure whatIshould do about it.SoIasked someoneIthoughtIcould trust.ItoldDevon.Anddo you know what he told me?”
Achill shivers down my spine. “What?”Iwhisper, my mouth going dry.
“Hesaid you were a cool chick, but he didn’t think being with you would be worth risking our friendship.Toldme there would be plenty of girls, particularly when we became rock stars.Andyou’d only get jealous or hurt, and it would never last anyway.Sowhat was the point in making something more of it?Icould maintain our friendship, and still bang any girlIwanted, wheneverIwanted.”
Coldwave after cold wave slaps me in the face at his admission, and my heart thrashes painfully against my rib cage.
“Oncehe convinced me that ruining our friendship was too big a risk, he said we should make a pact that neither one of us would touch you.Thatway, we’d never give in to momentary temptation.Itwould be a constant reminder that how we felt about you could never be anything more than friendship.”
Iswallow past the hard, tight knot in my throat. “Andthat was it?”Iwhisper. “Youagreed, and everything was fine?Youthought you were in love with me and never even put up a fight?”
Herubs the back of his neck. “Hemade it sound so fucking reasonable.AndIdidn’t want to lose you as a friend.Itmade sense that if we did make it inLA, it would be hard to have a serious girlfriend.SoIgave up on the idea.Aftera while,Ipushed those feelings aside.”
Tearstremble on the edges of my lashes.NotbecauseI’veever wantedBeaulike that, but becauseDevonhadn’t wanted me.Notthen, anyway.Andmaybe not even now.WhileBeauapparently did, but not enough to put up any kind of fight.Notwhen presented with a far easier option.AndIwas oblivious to all of it, harboring my pathetic high school crush onDevon.Neitherof them has ever wanted me enough to fight for me.
Youmight be good for a quick fuck, but that’s all you’ll ever be to them.
Thewords swirl sickeningly around my head.Ifeel like such a fool.Aworthless, disposable fool.
Andthis time, the peopleItrusted the most have made me feel that way.
