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By the next day, however, I was starting to second-guess my decision to let Charlotte and Savannah go with me. What if I couldn’t get my shit together by the time I walked back to the car? Or, worse, what if I stood at my family’s grave sites and felt nothing at all? No closure, nothing. Bringing Charlotte and the baby seemed like a bad idea all around. As I got ready that morning, I tried to put it out of my mind completely.
God, I’d never planned to come back to Harpers Ferry again anyway, let alone for something like this. Ten years. A decade my family had been gone and I’d been an orphan. Hell of an anniversary.
I’d never been an anxious person, but it was hitting me hard today. I was moody and couldn’t seem to stand still. Once I was dressed, I went out to the kitchen, where Charlotte was feeding Savannah.
Normally, the baby relaxed me, so I picked her up from her jumper to kiss her and she started crying, apparently picking up on my swirling emotions. Guess that old wives’ tale was correct, huh? Babies were psychic that way. Or else she was pissed about the jumper, because my girl really did love bouncing around in that thing.
Regardless, I was on edge.
We headed into town a little while later, and stopped at the local florist because Charlotte had insisted that we get a bouquet.
“It’s tradition,” she said as we walked inside. “What about this one?”
I wrinkled my nose at the pink and white carnations. “No. It looks wilted.”
“It’s not wilted,” Charlotte said, giving me a look. “And keep your voice down. The owners might hear.”
“Anything I can help with?” a woman behind the counter asked.
Before I could say anything Charlotte stepped in and explained that we needed cemetery flowers. The owner led us over to a different section, and I ended up choosing a large arrangement of calla lilies. The owner wrapped them up for me, and we headed back to the car while I tried not to grip the flowers so hard I crushed them. It was a beautiful arrangement, and I wished I was going anywhere but the cemetery.
Except it was time. Time to stop running. Time to lay things to rest, literally.
What felt like a small eternity later, we got to the cemetery and wove through the maze of small lanes inside until we reached the section where my family was buried. It was near the back, in a quiet spot near some large oak trees. Picturesque. Calming. There was a bench and everything. I’d forgotten about that part.
I parked, then sat there, like an idiot, trying to get my legs to move and my brain to calm.
“Are you sure you want us to stay in the car?” Charlotte asked while Savannah gurgled in her car seat in the back.
“Yes,” I said, staring out the windshield, but I still made no move to leave. The sense of grief sat heavy on my chest, squeezing the air from my lungs. My body felt heavy, and my eyes stung.
I hung my head, whispering, “I don’t know if I can do this.”
Charlotte reached over and rubbed my back. “I’m here for you. Whatever you need from me. If you want me to go with you to their graves, I will.”
I shook my head, but several more minutes passed before I opened the door. My movements felt odd, jerky, like I wasn’t really in my body. Charlotte didn’t say a word as she got out of the car and took Savannah out of the car seat. Suddenly, all I wanted was my daughter in my arms. That connection. That bond. As if she understood, Charlotte walked over and handed the baby to me. Savannah’s small weight grounded me like nothing else.
I moved towards the plot slowly, the baby in one arm, the flowers tucked under the other, Charlotte waiting behind us. I kissed Savannah’s cheek, inhaling her sweet baby smell, holding it inside me like a treasure.
“We’re going to see your nan and pops and your Uncle Isaac,” I said, my voice catching slightly and my vision blurring. I wanted her to know. Know them. Know where she came from. “You never got to meet them, baby girl, but they would’ve loved you so, so much. Same as I do.” I told her about my parents and my brother, my tears flowing freely, but I didn’t care.
At the grave site, I knelt and placed the flowers atop my parents’ joint grave and dusted the leaves from the headstones. Then we took a seat on the bench nearby. There was a slight breeze, and the sky was overcast, but it wasn’t raining or cold. Just quiet and peaceful. The pressure in my chest eased a bit. Savannah became fascinated with a squirrel nearby, and for the first time in a while, I smiled.
My family was gone, but I still felt them here. Still felt them all over this town. They were in me and always would be, no matter what. I sat there a while, just taking it all in, and I realized Smith had been right. Coming here did help me, though there was still more I needed to do to be where I wanted emotionally.
Finally, after enough time had passed for me to work through my complicated emotions, I stood and walked back to the car. After another hug and kiss for my daughter, I handed her back to Charlotte, feeling about a hundred pounds lighter. “We can go now. What I need isn’t here.”
Charlotte watched me, tears in her own eyes despite her sunny smile.
* * *
Back at the house, I tried to keep the mood light, sensing how much that visit to his families’ graves had taken out of Gabe. Something major had shifted in him, and even though I could still see glimpses of the grief in his eyes, he seemed more grounded.
Savannah was the perfect balm for his wrung-out heart. We sat on the ground watching the baby try to crawl, coaxing her to move and then laughing when she slid onto her belly.
His phone dinged with an incoming text and Gabe sat up abruptly.
“It’s Matt,” he said, once he unlocked his screen. “Looks like the background results are back sooner than expected.”
