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“You what?” I shoved away from the counter, taking a step toward him, my face hot. “You’re going to walk out on your daughter when she’s just found you?”
“Hey.” He frowned, holding his hands up in front of him like a shield. “That’s not fair.”
“Fuck fair.” My rage-filled words rang off the kitchen walls, and I winced. Shit. Pissed as I was, I didn’t want to wake Savannah.
Gabe tried again to reason with me. “You knew what my life was like, Charlotte. You knew eventually I’d need to go back to my team.” He inhaled deeply. “But it’s not forever, okay? I’ll keep in touch with both of you, I promise. And I get thirty days of leave a year, so I can come back here to visit. Or I can fly Savannah out for visits, if she wants to come and if it’s safe for her to be there. We’ll work it out.”
* * *
I had to admit that the comparison to Charlotte’s father had thrown me at first. But the longer I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. I was leaving because I was doing something important: I was defending my country, not running away to avoid my responsibilities.
Jaw tight, I tried to keep my temper in check when it became clear that she wasn’t going to back down from what she’d said, despite my offers and pleas. “Look, I can see that you’re upset and that this is bringing up a lot of baggage for you, Charlotte, but I’m not your dad. I’m not walking away because I’m an addict or a loser or a piece-of-shit liar. I’m going overseas because I have a duty to my country and my team. I gave an oath to serve and protect when I enlisted, and I intend to fulfill it.”
“I see.” Her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes flashed with fury. What she lacked in size, she more than made up for in attitude, and it was one of the things I loved most about her.
Wait. What?
No. No, no, no.
I didn’t love Charlotte. I didn’t love anyone except Savannah. I’d learned that lesson a long time ago. People you loved left you. People you loved died. I refused to open my heart up to that kind of agony ever again.
“And do you think any of that matters to your daughter?” Charlotte asked, and it took a second for the question to cut through the sudden flurry of panic in my brain and for me to connect the dots back to our argument. She moved closer to me, her scent and heat swirling the chaos inside me to new heights. I wanted her so badly I hurt. I yearned for her, but I wouldn’t have her. Not again. Not until things were crystal clear between us. This was a short-term, fling-type situation. We’d come together during a time of crisis for both of us. This wasn’t love. It wasn’t permanent, wasn’t forever. It couldn’t be. Still, my traitorous body tingled and burned for her. She poked me in the chest with her index finger, jarring me back to reality. “I can tell you from firsthand experience that it doesn’t. It doesn’t matter why you’re leaving, just that you’re gone. Savannah will still miss out on that time with you.”
Then she threw her hands up and turned away, stalking out of the kitchen and into the living room. “I can’t do this. Not anymore.” Her hair, which she’d piled atop her head in a messy bun, had started to come loose, and a strand hung down near her cheek, bobbing and swaying with every shake of her head. I felt a wild urge to walk over and tuck it behind her ear. My fingertips burned with the desire to touch her, but I forced it down deep, clenching my fists and grinding my teeth until they ached. Charlotte stopped, the couch a barrier between us, and gave me a flat stare. “I can’t give my heart to someone who’s going to spend months on end, or maybe even years, overseas. I can’t.” She took a deep breath. “So… we can be friends, Gabe. We can even coparent Savannah, if that’s what you want. But the rest of our relationship is over.”
My brain was still stuck on the fact that she’d been thinking about giving her heart to me. My own chest squeezed tight at the thought. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to drop to my knees and beg her to forgive me. For what, I wasn’t sure, but if it got us back to where we’d been before, I’d do it. But then the rest of her words registered, and that moment passed, something precious and perfect dying along with it.
I hated this. Hated being forced to feel like the bad guy when I’d been up front and honest about my intentions the entire time I’d been here. And yes, things had changed. Some things, anyway. But others hadn’t. I couldn’t turn my back on the commitments I’d made, even if the US government wouldn’t have had something to say about it. I wasn’t built that way. My honor meant something to me, and I wouldn’t throw it away over emotions that could be taken away without warning, leaving you alone and bereft and without any purpose or direction in life.
I had direction now. I had purpose, thanks to my team. They were as much my family now as the one I’d lost. And I owed them my life. Because without them, I was damned sure I wouldn’t be here now.
Which meant it was time to leave. I couldn’t stay here any longer. Not after everything that had happened. I’d done what I’d come to do and more. I’d made peace with my family’s deaths. I’d visited their graves. I’d spent time in my hometown. I’d helped put the police on the track of Alexis Barnes’s murderer, and I’d found and claimed my daughter. I loved Savannah, more than I’d ever have thought possible.
In these few short weeks, she’d become part of my heart, my soul. But she was young, too young to even remember what happened right now. I’d go back to my team and finish out this enlistment. Then I’d figure out what to do from there. I’d come back for visits, like I’d told Charlotte. I’d made progress here, and I didn’t want to lose that. But Harpers Ferry wasn’t my home anymore. Hadn’t been for a long time.
Honestly, I didn’t need a home.
And yeah, maybe I wasn’t as keen to go out on another mission right now as I usually was, but I’d get over it. The timing sucked, sure. Each time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Charlotte and Savannah and how happy we’d been together these past few weeks… but that wasn’t reality.
Reality was, I’d signed on to be a SEAL and I had obligations to keep. How I felt or what I thought about it didn’t matter. Forget the stabbing pain in my heart. Forget the crushing weight of knowing the minute I walked out that door, I’d ruin any chance that Charlotte and I might somehow find a happy future together. She expected me to walk away, because that’s what she knew. I expected her to let me go, because that’s what people do. They disappear.
And where did that leave us?
Nowhere.
I sucked in some much-needed oxygen, then gave a curt nod. She probably expected to me to continue fighting about this, but I was done. There was nothing left to fight for anyway, right?
“Fine,” I said, heading down the hall to the guest room, hoping she’d stop me but knowing she wouldn’t. It was too late to stop any of this now, and I was too tired to try. “I’ll pack up my stuff and move out tonight.”
TWENTY-FOUR
Imoved into a hotel room in Harpers Ferry, close enough to walk to Charlotte’s to be with Savannah, but far enough away that it gave me some much-needed space to work out the tangle of tension I now found myself in. After a few days, though, the short distance wasn’t enough. I felt trapped in my head, and this weird suffocating feeling lingered in my chest. I needed out for a while.
So, the next morning, I called Charlotte to make sure she didn’t have anything important on her schedule that day, then asked if she minded if I got away for a bit. She said no. It was the most we’d spoken since our fight.
An hour later, I was on a train heading into DC. I’d phoned my friend Matt and asked if I could visit. I wanted to thank him in person for his help in capturing Elijah Harris. And, truthfully, I’d been thinking a lot about the security business he’d started. I was curious about it, how it worked for a retired SEAL back in the real world.
The constant sway and bump of the train was soothing, and between checking my emails on my phone and dozing a bit, it seemed like I was there in no time. I grabbed a taxi and rode to the address Matt had given me, paying the driver and stepping out on the curb in front of a modest, glass-covered building. It seemed like kind of an odd location for a security company, seeing as how all that glass wasn’t exactly private or secure. I walked inside to a reception desk where a woman was working.
