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I’d expected her to at least embrace the possibility. She didn’t. In fact, she pulled farther away from me, like I’d insulted her. I was well and truly baffled, because all I’d wanted to do was help.
“Uh, everything.” Charlotte’s expression was hardly joyful or even appreciative. In fact, she looked kind of pissed off. Shit. An ache grew around my heart, and I resisted the urge to rub the sore area with the side of my fist. She stood and began to pace the small living room. “I can’t just leave Harpers Ferry. This place is my home, Gabe. I have roots here. Why would I leave just to chase you halfway around the world?”
“You wouldn’t be chasing me, Charlotte.” I sat forward, scrubbing a hand over my face. “You’d be getting a chance to see things, travel, experience life outside this small-town box you’re in.”
Okay. Maybe that didn’t come out the way I’d intended. Fuck. I was messing this up.
I didn’t want to fight about this. “I just mean that there’s more out there to see and do and learn andbethan just what’s here in Harpers Ferry.” I pushed to my feet as well, too frustrated to sit on my ass anymore. “I don’t understand why the idea of leaving upsets you so much. Yes, your mom is here, but it’s not like we can’t come back and visit her. Other than that, what else is there for you in this town? You don’t have a load of friends, because you’re working all the time. Or you were. I don’t understand why you aren’t excited about the possibility of us traveling the world together, with Savannah. Think of the sights she’ll see. Some of my buddies on the team have families, and they make it work. I could be a SEAL and a dad to my daughter. You could make new friends on the base. Have a whole new life.”
“I don’twanta new life, Gabe.” She stopped and stared at me across the coffee table, and from the look in her eyes, I almost wished she’d kept walking. “My life is here. Even if the tavern is gone, I’m not interested in leaving. I guess you can’t understand that, and I can’t explain it, but I shouldn’t have to. It’s what I want, and that’s it.”
“But why? Can’t you at least give me a reason? I think I deserve that.” The plans I’d started to make in my head were all falling apart, and I wasn’t sure why or how to fix them. Fixing things was what I did, who I was. The idea that I couldn’t repair the most important relationship in my life right now was eating me up inside. Frustration squeezed my chest tight, and I dragged my hand through my hair. “Maybe I didn’t say it right. Maybe I need to describe it better, but seriously. You could live anywhere, Charlotte. Even if you didn’t want to be with me or live on a military base or be my wife, you could still get out of this nothing place. Why the hell would you want to stay here?”
Charlotte went stone still, never a good sign. “Because, Gabe, that’s just it. This place isn’t nothing to me. This place is everything. It’s my home. It was your home too, once. Don’t you miss Harpers Ferry at all?”
When I didn’t say anything, she shook her head. “I love this town. I love the mountains and the changing seasons. I love being close to DC and Baltimore. I love all the nature and the national parks and the history.” She sighed. “All that means something to me. I’ve built a life for myself here. Even if the tavern is gone. And I know being back here is painful for you, even if you’re still denying that.” I started to protest that I’d worked through it, but she held up a hand, stopping me. “I’m sure every time you turn a corner here, it reminds you of losing your family—but I thought part of the reason you returned was to make peace with that, to put it to rest at last. I know you went to the graveyard and all, but these things take time, Gabe.” Her voice trailed off, and she turned away. She walked over to the window to peer out, leaning a shoulder against the wall, her face in shadow now. “I thought it was getting better for you, Gabe. You’ve been getting out here, going places and talking to people you knew as a kid. I thought maybe you’d see that you could make a life here for yourself again, after you’re done with the SEALs. That this town holds more than grief and memories.”
Okay. This was not going the way I’d wanted at all. I knew Charlotte had deep roots in Harpers Ferry, but there was no way I was moving back here. She was right: there was too much baggage attached, and it was all still too painful. Even though I’d visited my family’s resting place and paid my respects to them, there were still moments when it felt raw. With everything else going on, I couldn’t deal with this too. So I did what I always did to cope these days. I grabbed my coat off the hook by the door and tugged it on. “I’m going out for a walk.”
“A walk? Really?” She straightened and moved toward me, her expression hurt. “You’re running again. You’re not even going to stand here and fight for what you want? Grow up, Gabe.”
“I am grown. And I’ve done more than enough fighting in my life to know when a battle is hopeless,” I hissed, doing my best to keep my voice down so as not to wake Savannah. “It’s clear to me that this conversation is going nowhere. I was trying not to make this a ‘my life choices versus your life choices’ kind of thing, but you took it there. And clearly that’s how you see it, so…” I turned away and opened the door, needing some time and space and fresh air. The black hole I’d been trying to avoid now yawned open inside me, sucking all my happiness down into it.
“You said you know how hard it is for me to be here, but I don’t really think you do,” I continued. “You’re right: every time I go out, someone in this town brings up my family, brings up a person I can’t be anymore. I stopped being that guy when I left here at eighteen, and he’s not coming back. I can’t be him anymore. I… I can’t, okay? I’m a different person now. I have different goals and dreams and ideas, and I can’t go back, Charlotte.” I sighed and hung my head. “Look. Forget I brought it up. I’m sorry. It was just an idea. I was just thinking out loud, really. I don’t want to fight anymore.” I walked out onto the porch. “I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up.”
TWENTY-THREE
The next twenty-four hours were about the most awkward ones of my life. Gabe and I pretended nothing had happened. We talked about the weather, about meals, about who was going to feed or change Savannah or take her for a walk, but not a word about anything important.
Not a word about our fight.
So, yeah. Not good.
For my part, I wasn’t sure what else I had to say on the subject. I’d put it all out there. I loved my town, and I loved living here. And while I might have fallen for Gabe too, harder than I’d ever thought possible in such a short time, I wasn’t ready to leave Harpers Ferry behind. Sure, things were kind of a mess right now where the tavern was concerned, but I’d work through it, just like I always did. I wasn’t a runner. And Gabe… was.
Okay, maybe that wasn’t fair. He’d been through things I couldn’t even imagine. And maybe in his place I’d have wanted to get the hell out too. But nothing was really solved by leaving. Not when the truth and answers you needed were left behind.
I was still mulling all this over as I kissed a sleeping Savannah’s forehead, then headed back out into the hall, closing the door silently behind me so I didn’t wake her. I could hear the low murmur of Gabe’s voice as he spoke on the phone in the living room. From his tone, I suspected he was on a work call. I didn’t want to eavesdrop, but I needed something from the kitchen and it was my house, so…
When I reached the kitchen, with its open doorway to the living room, my heart sank. It was a work call, all right. Gabe was on the phone with his commanding officer. I fiddled around at the counter, fixing myself a cup of coffee, then rearranging the plates in the dishwasher before starting it, pretending I couldn’t hear what was plainly echoing all around me.
“Yes, sir,” Gabe said at last. “I’ll call you by the end of the day tomorrow about my return. Goodbye, sir.”
My shoulders tensed at the sound of his deep sigh, my stomach threatening to return the dinner we ate earlier. Then the sofa creaked as he got up, and his footsteps moved closer to where I stood near the sink, stopping behind me. He wasn’t close enough for me to feel his body heat, but my skin tingled just the same. As it always did in his company. Old habits died hard. I kept my head down, though I could see our reflections in the dark glass of the window in front of me. I should have expected this. With Elijah Harris behind bars and Savannah settled here with me, there was nothing holding Gabe here, nothing to keep him from going back to his SEAL team.
“That was my CO,” he said, confirming what I already knew. Dread bubbled like sludge in my veins.Don’t say it. Don’t say it.“They want me back on mission as soon as possible.”
“Oh,” I managed to force out.Keep it together. Be supportive.I really wanted to do both of those things, but dammit, I hated this so much. It was bringing up a bunch of shit that I hadn’t thought about in a long, long time. I squeezed my eyes shut, took a deep breath, and then turned to face him, rubbing my arms against the sudden chill in my blood. “Did I ever tell you about when my dad left?”
Gabe blinked at me, then shook his head, uncertainty shining in his eyes.
“I guess I should clarify by saying when he left for the last time, since he did it so often.” I managed a joyless laugh, trying to be funny even though there was nothing funny about it. Not at all. The memories flowed through me again after so many years of tamping them down and pretending everything was fine. Like tiny razors, they cut me deep. “One night when I was seven, I went to bed. He was there then, but when I woke up, he was gone. I never saw him again. Not one word in twenty years.” Throat tight, I swallowed hard and battled the anger and hurt and betrayal threatening to overwhelm me. This situation was different. I knew that. And yet it seemed all too similar. Gabe was leaving Savannah, just like my father left me. Just like every other man in my life had always left me. Like I wasn’t important. Like I wasn’t worth staying for.
I was sick of it.
“I think it’s great that you’re getting on with your life, Gabe,” I said, my tone sharp. “Really. And I’m sure your team is eager to have you back.”
He gave me a wary look. The kind animal keepers got around dangerous, spooked predators. “Look, Charlotte, I—”
