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I know my sister, and I know she wouldn’t get involved in the mafia business knowingly. I worry now for her safety too.
I can only hope Rayne doesn’t have to kill anyone to get me back– she's no murderer. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Tears spring to my eyes once more, as my head swirls in a sea of uncertainty, and the floodgates open again. I sob in the darkness, even though I know it doesn’t matter and won’t change anything. No one can hear me.
3
MIA
The days goon and on, and it seems like I’m in a pit of endless despair. I no longer have any sense of what day or time it is. I only know the sun comes up and goes down again.
Every day is the same. I wait and wonder: Is today the day I’ll be let go? Has Rayne managed to do what the insane lady wants? Will those guys come in here and touch me and rape me?
I have more time to think than I ever had before. I have more time to be grateful for everything I once took for granted.
I think about my parents a lot. I try not to return to that time as a young girl, witnessing their deaths and surviving to tell the tale. I have no idea what they would think now, if they could see what a mess we're in.
There are some very blurry parts from the day we lost them in the accident. I see them mostly in my dreams.
When I wake, the pain is too hard to bear.
My lovely, gentle mother, her soothing voice. The way she held us. The way she took us to every single after-school activity. Her warmth. Her smile.
My father: hardworking, loyal, and loving. He never missed a day's work in his life. He worked hard so we could attend the best schools and so our mother could stay home and look after us. I miss his laughter and jokes, and the way he could make everything better.
I miss everything about them. My heart and my soul aches for them and for what we lost the day they died.
Then I think about Rayne and what she must be going through. It’s not her fault. I know she’s an innocent pawn in a truly sick game.
Rayne did an exemplary job raising me and ensuring I went to college and didn’t miss out on anything. We were all each other had for so long.
I can’t lose her. Not like this– it isn’t fair!
I always knew the mafia existed. It’s the same in New York and has been for generations. But I don't know anything about them, really, just that they’re criminals.
They also kill people.
I’ve seen the Sopranos- I know how shit works.
Thinking about Rayne having to do this makes me cringe.
I just want it all to go away.
I want to go back to my life before this; all the things I used to complain about don’t seem so bad now. Even the mundaneness of Mondays…I’d give anything to have that back.
My life didn’t have much meaning or purpose only a few days ago, but I was happy enough.
I think about all the things I still want to do, and I want to scream.
All the places I may never go…no! I can’t think like that.
I was upset about my sister moving to Boston at first. It was selfish of me, even though I knew Rayne needed time away from New York and from that bastard of an ex-husband.
Thinking back, I don’t think I was a very good sister for being mad at her and wanting her to stay. I couldn’t help it. She’s the only family I have left and my best friend.
She took forever trying to find a place to live that wasn’t too far a commute from New York so we could see each other, and was I grateful for that? No, I was a brat about it. She settled in Boston a few months ago and found an apartment in Beacon Hill, which I hear is stunning, even though I haven’t even visited yet.
Maybe I never will?
