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“He began having problems with alcohol, drugs. Tried to kill himself more than once but didn’t succeed. Suffered from depression so he was sent to a therapist. It took him years to process everything he’d been through. He started to see how the treatment had affected all these different areas of his life and decisions he’d made along the way. He also discovered that there were times when he was mixing up memories with reality. He began to wonder if maybe there was a chance that his mind had made up the memory of the other boy’s death. The therapist had explained that when he’d been going through the treatments, his mind had probably disassociated from the pain he was experiencing. It was during those times that he couldn’t always separate fact from fiction.”
“How old was he at that point?” I asked.
“I think he was in his late thirties or early forties. He began to research the papers from his old hometown and the surrounding area for any news articles about a boy being killed in a bike accident on a certain date.”
My heart twisted painfully in my chest. “It never happened, did it? The boy didn’t die.”
Theo’s eyes once again returned to mine even as he continued to stroke my fingers. “No, he didn’t. The man’s mind had convinced him that he’d seen something he hadn’t.”
“Did he try to find the boy?” I asked.
He nodded. “He searched through all the public records to see if the boy was still alive. There were no records of his death anywhere, so the man began reaching out to friends from his childhood. He still loved the boy who would have been a man by then. His entire life changed when he was given the hope that he and the man he loved might be reunited.”
“Did he find him?”
“Yes,” Theo said, his voice cracking with emotion for the first time.
“The other man was dead, wasn’t he?” I asked.
He nodded again. “He’d died ten years earlier in a hunting accident. His last name hadn’t been spelled correctly in the list of death records that the man had searched through.”
“Fuck,” I whispered softly.
“Two lives destroyed because a bunch of ignorant assholes made a whole bunch more ignorant assholes believe that the God they loved and feared at the same time would send their sons and daughters to hell for all of eternity because they ‘chose’ the wrong person to love. Why do they choose to believe in a God like that?” Theo asked. “What kind of God would give life to two souls only to tear them apart like that?” He let out an ugly laugh.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “What happened to the man when he learned the truth?”
“Nothing,” Theo said. “He’s still alive… alone except for his dog. He knew he would only ever love one person, so he never tried to fill that void. He never received an apology from any of the people who hurt him, who kept him from the boy he loved. He never received compensation for the long-term damage he suffered as a result of histreatment. Even to this day he still feels the shocks. He’s noticed that he’s subconsciously avoided certain things because they remind him of the room he was treated in or the clothes he was wearing or the bands that sent electricity throughout his entire body over and over again.”
Theo pulled in a breath and let it out slowly. I suspected he was trying to calm himself down.
“All that pain, that degradation, his tormentors’absolute beliefthat he was broken in some way…” he said with a curt shake of the head. A tear slipped down his cheek. “You know what the only thing was the guy wanted after all that?” he asked me.
“What?” I responded as I reached out to wipe the tear away.
“To have his story told.” Theo let out a sad little laugh. “He just wants to have his story told.”
We both fell silent for a long time before he said, “That could have been me.” He lifted his eyes to hold mine.
“If I hadn’t come here, if you hadn’t fought for me… us, if you hadn’t shown me what love really means… if I hadn’t seen for myself that we can have the same thing as everyone else—family, friends, freedom to just fucking live our lives…” Theo began to drop his eyes as he shook his head.
I put my fingers under his chin. He automatically lifted his eyes back up as I spoke. “We can tell that man’s story every day of our lives bylivingevery day of our lives. No one gets to tell us that what we feel, who weare,goes against God or nature or any of that shit. Every day I have with you will be our happily ever after. No one will take that from us, do you hear me?”
His response was to pull me down for a long, sweet kiss that made my toes curl.
“I hear you,” Theo said with a smile when he released my lips. His hand was at the back of my neck so I could feel his finger tapping against my skin. He dropped his eyes but managed to lift them again on his own. “I have things I still need to tell you and I know you’re going to tell me that nothing will change how you feel about me, but I need you not to say that. Not yet. I have to make peace with myself about a lot of things, but I can’t do it alone. I need help. I need to be okay with not being okay for a while. What happened between us was more than I ever thought possible, but I’m still scared. I’m still waiting for that next slide to appear. I’m waiting for it knowing that no matter what I say or how loud I scream or how many lies I tell, they’re still going to break me. They’re going to do what they did in that place… they’re going to break me and actually make me wish for the briefest second that I was anyone but myself. I never want that second to happen again. Does… does that make sense?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “It does. But you’re going to need to let me know when you’re ready to believe it… that part about nothing changing how I feel. And you have to promise me when that time comes, you’ll stop running long enough to listen.”
Theo studied me intently. I felt his finger stop tapping and begin sliding back and forth over the back of my neck instead. I completely understood what he was asking of me. Despite it being the truth that nothing would change how I felt about him, the words would sound empty and hollow to Theo until he made peace with whatever secrets continued to haunt him. But I also knew there was a good chance those secrets would have him running again and I needed to know that he’d stop long enough to hear me when that time came.
“Deal,” he said with a smile. He pulled me down so that my upper body was covering his. He held my eyes as he continued to caress my neck. “Promise me you’ll never stop chasing me, Lincoln,” he whispered desperately.
It was the easiest promise to make because it was the truth. I never would give up on Theo, no matter how fast or far he ran.
“Promise,” I breathed against his mouth and then I sealed the deal with a kiss that I hoped he’d remember if and when the next secret caught up with him.
CHAPTERTHIRTY
