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He stares down at me, waiting for me to break character and burst into tears. He needs me to lose my resolve so that he can break me down, and I can’t let him do that.
I need to shut down all of my emotions until I know that everything is going to be safe. I can’t worry about soothing myself or giving Ruslan a way to manipulate me. It’ll only get easier with time as the pregnancy carries on and my brain is bathed in hormones.
His face softens a bit. “You don’t need to do this. I could pay that money back in five seconds if you wanted to go back at some point. Please, I need someone right now. I need you,” he confesses, allowing his eyes to glaze over with tears.
Do I believe him?
Or do I think that he’s performing to keep me around?
“It isn’t about that, Ruslan. I’ve been given a chance to make a good life for myself before it even begins. I’m choosing to take my future into my own hands. I don’t want to rely on you for permission to go back if I change my mind.”
He falls silent, gazing defeatedly out the window. “So, there’s really nothing I can do to convince you to stay? Nothing at all?”
I shake my head solemnly, feeling the impulse to bolt out the door now that I’ve made myself clear to him.
As the moment drags on, it’s almost like I can feel the baby growing too fast for me to keep up.
It’s hardly even there, just a few cells swimming around in my belly while it establishes itself in my uterus. But I’m more self-conscious about the appearance of my body than I have been in years, feeling my breasts ache against my bra as my nipples harden against the fabric.
“Then go,” he grumbles. “Leave and never come back. You had your chance, and you knew exactly what you were getting into.”
His words come as both a relief and a warning, forcing me to reassess my intentions one last time. I’m losing access to an amount of money that I could never have dreamed of before, and I’m dooming my child to a life of struggle and instability without Ruslan.
But this is no place to raise a baby.
27
Ruslan
Without my work to distract me, Vera’s sudden absence has taken a tremendous toll on my spirit.
The house felt so quiet and barren as soon as she was gone, just like it did before she left. It feels just the way it always did, except now I’ve been forced to endure it on my own without her warmth.
At least before Vera, I had Misha.
Now I have neither, and I’ve called my life’s meaning into question multiple times in the past few days.
Attending Misha’s funeral today is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I wish I hadn’t even met Vera, because now I know how good it feels to have her by my side. I’ve experienced her compassion and sweetness, but she’s chosen her own path instead of sharing one with me.
I’ve tried to picture what my brother would think about this whole situation, but I can’t find his voice in my head like I usually can. His advice was always perfectly timed, though often met with resistance from me.
This time, I would do anything to hear him call me an asshole, to go get my girl back and live out the rest of my days happier than I ever thought possible. I know for a fact that that’s what he’d tell me to do, but all I have now is the resonance of his impact on my life.
Maybe he’d have something more profound to add, or maybe he’d smack me across the back of the head for driving Vera away.
But today, I’ll only hear from people who knew Misha, not Misha himself.
I’ve traveled to Virginia for the funeral, as per Yan’s planning. I wasn’t thrilled about being forced to leave the state to say goodbye to my brother, but I know it’s for everyone’s safety.
People in the community are catching on to the corruption beneath their pristine, lily-white perception of their city.
Before the shooting, everybody here thought that their corner of the world was impossible to access by those with bad intentions. They saw stories on the news about massacres in malls and schools, sending their prayers to the affected families while they joined their own for a barbecue an hour later. Things weren’t perfect, but they were better.
Now, it’s impossible for them to explain to their children why the police are swarming the streets every day.
More and more, I feel like I’m on the side of law enforcement.
