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“I have nothing to prove by staying there. My dreams have changed now. I want to be with you and raise the baby.”
“I understand that, but you've worked so hard to get where you are. Are you sure you want to give it all up?” he asks, concern evident in his voice.
“I'm sure. I don't want to spend my time studying and trying to fit in with people who don't understand me. I want to be with you, to start our family and have a real purpose.” I say. “You were right when you said I was going to turn out like my sisters, and that scared the shit out of me.”
“But education is important. You don't want to regret dropping out later in life, you said it yourself,” he says.
“I won't regret it. I'm ready for this change, and I know it's the right decision for me,” I reply, trying to reassure him to the best of my ability.
I meant what I said back when I left his house to return to college.
But just as his perspective has shifted to include our family, so has mine.
Ruslan looks at me for a few moments before finally nodding. “Okay. If that's what you want, I support you.”
I smile, eternally grateful for his understanding.
“But promise me one thing,” he says.
“What?”
“That you'll continue learning. You don't need a college degree to educate yourself and become knowledgeable about the world. Promise me that you'll never stop learning. It’s imperative that you don’t,” he says.
“I promise,” I reply, feeling the nerves in my chest unravel at his reassurance.
“There’s a lot I can teach you, and I’m confident that you’ll be able to absorb it easily with your tenacious curiosity,” he continues. “Sometimes I wonder what I could have been if I had gone to college, but I’d probably be far less wealthy and even more stressed.”
We lay there in silence for a few minutes, continuing to take in the beauty of the night sky.
Ruslan's hand finds its way to my stomach, and he smiles warmly.
“This is the future I never thought I would want or have, but now that it’s here, I can’t imagine wanting anything else,” he says, his voice filled with happiness.
I turn to him, unable to conceal the excitement beaming from my face. “Me too.”
Despite my happiness, my mind races with conflicting thoughts and emotions.
I'm pregnant with Ruslan's child, and while I'm overjoyed to be starting a family with the man I love, I can't help but feel a sense of fear and uncertainty. I'm only twenty-two years old, not even out of college, and I worry that I don’t know how to be a good mother.
My mother always encouraged me to be ambitious, to strive for greatness in my career and not to be chained to a man for the rest of my life. She never explicitly said that she didn't want me to have children, but I always felt like that was the implication.
Now that I'm pregnant, I can't help but feel like I'm letting her down.
But at the same time, I know that I want this. I want to have a family with Ruslan, and I want to be a good mother. I just don't know if I'm capable of it.
What if I make mistakes?
What if I can't provide for my child the way I want to?
These thoughts are overwhelming, and I can feel tears starting to form in my eyes. The last thing I want to do is fail after Ruslan dedicates his life to supporting me and our baby.
I turn to Ruslan, who is still gazing up at the sky, lost in thought. He loves me, and he loves our baby. All he wants is to give us a good life, and he’s more than capable of doing so.
But even with his support, I can't shake the fear that I'm not ready for this.
I think about my college plans, how I was supposed to graduate, get a good job, and make my mark on the world. But now, with a baby on the way, I don't know if that's possible. I don’t even know how I would do that as a bratva boss’s girlfriend.
My dreams will have to be put on hold, or maybe they'll have to change entirely. It's a hard pill to swallow, but I know that I have to accept it.
