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“You okay?” he asked, his hand on my arm. I didn’t answer right away, did my best to take deep breaths and will myself out of the strangle of anxiety. “You don’t gotta tell me nothin’ if you don’t want. I’m just…I’m happy for you, Uncle Brian. You deserve to have a life, to have fun, and I think…I think a part of you has been punishing yourself because of how you felt about my mama.”
I jerked out of his hold. I knew he had his suspicions, but it wasn’t something we ever talked about. Sutton had never put my feelings into words, and I sure hadn’t. Except to Charles.
“It’s just a thing we do sometimes—the playin’,” I managed to force myself to say. “I don’t feel so hot. I think I’m gonna go lie down.” How did I do this? How did I talk to Sutton about loving his mama? About telling her.
“Brian,” he said, when I started to walk away. “Uncle Brian…it’s okay, ya know? I spent my life lovin’ someone other people thought I shouldn’t—hell, that I thought I shouldn’t. Love ain’t somethin’ you can control. It ain’t somethin’ you can turn on and off. There was a time when I would’ve done that if I could, when I tried to make myself stop lovin’ Jasp, but it never would’ve worked. I ain’t mad at you for feelin’ that way about my mama. After all these years, I won’t even be mad at ya if the two of you did somethin’ you shouldn’t’ve. I just don’t want you to spend your whole life alone and hatin’ yourself for it.”
I didn’t know when I’d stopped walking, but at some point I had. My back was to Sutton, but I’d heard every word he said, felt every one of them in my chest. He would have forgiven me for that? I wasn’t sure I deserved it, and the sad part was, if Nadine had wanted me, I wouldn’t have been able to do the right thing, but she would have, and the last thing I wanted was for him to believe she stepped out on Phil.
“She wouldn’t’ve done that. She was too good, too honest, and she loved your daddy. It was him for her—not me—and I know because I told her how I felt. I’d…” Fuck. I rubbed a hand over my left pec that felt too tight.
“You still don’t gotta tell me nothin’, but I’ll listen if you want to. It won’t change how I feel about you. You’re my uncle…you raised me, loved me, didn’t bat an eye when you knew how I felt about Jasp. We’re family, and I take that seriously.”
More seriously than I did when I risked breaking his parents up. “Will you come sit down with me?” I asked because it was time I did this—past time. Sutton deserved the truth, and I was tired of carrying my guilt around with me, so tired of living half a life, and I didn’t know if I could ever give myself a full one until I dealt with my past and feelings about Nadine.
“Yeah, of course.” Sutton squeezed my shoulder. The two of us walked around to the back of the house and took two of the chairs there.
My right leg immediately started bouncing uncontrollably, all my pent-up energy seeming to go there. “I think I was sixteen when I realized I loved her. Never told her, not at that time. Even back then I didn’t feel worthy of her.”
“You’re worthy, Uncle Brian. You wouldn’t let me get away with that if I’d said it about Jasp, so I’m not letting you get away with it either.”
Christ, I was lucky to have him. “Your mama would be so proud of you; both your parents would’ve.”
“I believe that because of you.”
I nodded. “I tried to stop,” I told him. “I know it’s wrong—the way I felt about her. Nothin’ could make it go away, so I tried to ignore it. I was her best friend. I tried to be happy for Phil, but I can’t pretend it was always easy. I wanted what he had.”
“You don’t think I felt that any time Jasper was with someone?”
“Yeah, but that person he was with wasn’t your family.”
Sutton shifted, not having a response for that.
“You told her?” he prompted, and I was grateful for it.
“Yep. Not proud of myself for that. It was just before she passed. She was askin’ me about women and datin’, and I just…” Jesus. My face was wet, eyes blurry for a whole new reason now. I swiped at them, but the tears kept coming. When was the last time I’d let myself cry? Had I ever? I didn’t cry when she left. I didn’t cry when they told me she’d passed, even though it felt like I’d lost my own life. I’d held it together, knew it was my punishment for my feelings, and tried to take care of Sutton.
